Who hides behind all my smiles…

My name is Sabrina. At first impression, I am a normal happy individual. Everyone who knows me would characterize me by my tendency to smile quite often. I’m 19 and a sophomore in college, but I am honestly so screwed up in the head idk how I’m even going to put it into words. I’m a psych major so I know what I’m talking about. That’s what I’m talking about though hide behind myself. I smile to hide frowns and tears. I have plenty of friends but I’m lonely to the point of slitting my own damn wrists. I see it as in a room full of people but still alone. It’s my own fault though because no one knows and no one ever will, except you few. I’m slowly crumbling inside and no one has a clue. Idk how I’ve even lasted this long. I cry myself to sleep to try and release all the emotions I have pent up inside me but then tears have always been a characteristic of weakness to me so I only feel worse. I think of death every day. How easy it would be to just go away. I am Catholic so I’m constantly battling between my faith and my urge to end my life. I don’t fear death. I’m tired of life and seek anything else but another 70 years here living as I do… a hypocrite. Heaven would be nice but hell is not so horrible in my head because I suffer everyday anyhow. I had a screwed childhood but I’m not blaming how I am soley upon I see the world as it is and its not something I want to be apart of. I see everything and I am still here because of a Guy but I don’t know how much longer I can be here only for him. I need a reason to live and as of now… my clock is counting down.