The future doesnt seem bright

For around 4 years now, I have been dealing with depression, lacking trust and I dont know what more. I have been dealing for a while, it sometimes got better, after a while just worse, but it seemed to just hit a point where I felt a little depressed, and that just stopped, and after a while things got a little better again. But since recently, things just got worse and worse, and I dont see a reason why I should live anymore. I am not really thinking about suicide, like how I should do it and stuff, but I cant help myself from the feeling that how hard I would try, whatever I would do, my life wouldnt get any better, and when I’m 40 I would still feel unhappy.

I really dont know what I’m actually searching, I am seeking compassion, but on the other hand I’d wish everyone just left me alone and let me go on. I want to get hugged, get loved, but from another end I just wish everyone would die.

I have been in this mess for around 4 years now, 4 years ago I was in middle school, in Holland. I was in the 3rd grade of 5, and I had to redo the year, since I didnt fully commit to it the previous year. The class was all new for me, I did not know anyone but I felt it was a new experience, a new start for me after all the bullying from previous years. It all started well, no problem at all, the class seemed fun and things were going pretty well. But I was soon getting bullyed already, and I had no idea why. The year went very well further and by the end of the year it felt like I made a few new friends, people who I could trust. I also had my first crush, she was a little bit younger than me and a bit chubby, but she seemed really nice. By the end of the school year I was already depressed, I dont know why it was the case then, but I remember crying myself to sleep, and crying in the bath tub, behind the sound of music so nobody would hear me.

The year itself went very well and I got to go to the 4th year. The girl I liked started ignoring me all out of a sudden, it left me in anger, but I could manage and further move on. Quickly in the 4th year I met someone. At first she wasnt nice about me, talking bad about me when my friends decided to talk to her via MSN. I could manage that and later went on saying that she shouldnt talk bad about me(a bit jokingly) from then on we started having conversations, we started having much larger conversations(mostly on MSN), sometimes until 2AM in the night. I liked her already on first sight and with the conversations we had I really felt trust in her, and had the feeling she felt the same. We started having more and more conversations, also in school, but it never got to really making contact out of school. But quickly things started getting worse because I was bullied for talking with her(she was a 10/10, anyone who would see her would say the same, seriously). I never felt hurt because of it, but rather thought how she would feel, and how it hurt her. Things started getting worse pretty quick, when we started having fights out of nothing, about nothing at all. I still felt trust in her and had the idea that out of the fights, we liked each other, maybe not as boyfriend or girlfriend but rather as friends. But things were still getting worse and worse, and I didnt make the year, so had to switch schools. There in the new class I quickly made some friends, and wasnt bullied, mostly because everyone shared similair interests. I kept contact with the girl I met the year before, but it just got worse, she competed in a sport which I really liked, so she asked me to come watch her and her friend. I went there later the day, and neither her and her friend did even bother talking to me. I felt rather offended by that, but things went okay further. Until not much later, when we had another fight, and at that point I was done, out of pure anger I said ‘I wish you would die’. I think anyone can guess what happened after that, she blocked me from MSN and removed me from every social media. I knew she would go sporting the next day at a center really close to where I live, so I took the chance, and when there, and I simply wanted to apologize. When there I was threatened  by her father, saying I would end up in a wheelchair if I went on with this. I really felt angered by it and felt attacked by not only her, but by her family. After that things went on, we sometimes saw each other there, and sometimes said hi but that was it. After that things continued, I sometimes felt well about it and at that point just added her again to social media, and sometimes having little chats, but things would quickly turn, undoing any progress that was made. Since that she takes no effort at all in even commenting on anything I do, on things I try to do to reach out to her. When there is even a comment, it is always from someone else, she enver takes any effort to comment to me by herself.

Now that happened almost 2 years ago now, on 31 Januari of 2011 we had the last fight, and since then, nothing from her anymore.  I feel angered by that, and suffered feelings wanting to kill her, but on the other hand I hate her, never want to see her again. But then I just want to talk to her again, hug her and just be close to her again, wanting to hear her voice again, and just wish it never happened. And although I have those feelings, I know for sure that even if we ever had a conversation again, or even see each other again we wouldnt be able to be nice to each other or even have a regular conversation. I know we can in no way ever be friends again, but I wish it was different.

Now for 2 years I am trying to get her out of my memory, and every bad thing that happens turns into thoughts of her, thoughts of regret, thoughts of missing her. I constantly dream about her, sometimes good, but most of the times bad. I also feel her appearance, showing up in a shadowy kind of thing.

Since half a year now I am seeing a psychologist once a week. And until now it hasnt helped a little thing, it only made things worse. Not only do I feel really bad, this is by far the worst I have ever felt. I barely dare to walk outside, and currently are able to barely be a day a week on school. The rest of the time I am in my bad, or behind the computer. I feel like every thing I tell to anyone is turned in such a way that it is mostly correct, but it is not the way I feel, so I dont feel I am even getting a little bit of fitting help.

Since 4 months I was described medicine which would help get rid of the feeling of her presence, and it would also help me sleep. These things help, but by exactly doing that. This maybe makes that a little better, but apart from that things are getting worse and worse.

For around 4 months I also am told I have a form of autism. It was also something my mother knew since I was around 7 years old(I am 20 now). She didnt told me, or didnt get help for it since she felt it wasnt something big. Well now I am 20, and it actually is. I am now getting help by a public authority, since I have a lesser ability to work, or find work. Apart from that in the coming 6 weeks I will also start receiving help from another authority, which would help me with a dayly routine, and taking care of myself.

That all sounds great, well it is not. I always thought I was able to become something, something I could be proud of, but by screwing up school I am already missing my dream of the job I wanted to do. I have fought for the past 4 year, I have fought so hard, but every time I try, it just kicks me down harder, and takes some happiness away.

I am just not seeing the worth in life anymore, the chance of me making full 36-40 hour work weeks are getting smaller and smaller, I have never found any love, so I doubt I would find any in the future, especially with the way 90% of the people I meet treat me.

Like said I asm not actively looking into suicide, but life just isnt worth it, I want to be able to have a girlfriend, live in a nice house, and live hapily, having joy in my life, but every time I try so hard it feels like the chance I will find happiness reduces. I dont want to live alone, needing someone to take care for me, to make sure I have something to do every day, some one helping me with maintaining a job of around 20 hours a week. I just want to live, like everyone else does, but the extremely small chance of achieving happiness just doesnt seem to be worth it and it feels like suicide is just my best option, because I think I have suffered enough.