Wow, talk about an emotional roller coaster. Yesterday I was on top of the world. Even this morning I woke up refreshed and feeling as if I had so much hope guiding my eyes that life didn’t seem all that bad. My therapist yesterday told me some of the most meaningful words I’ve ever heard. Most was what I really needed to hear. It was a bunch of positive encouragement, good job on getting this far and keep making beneficial gains for yourself, you’ve gotten so far and you should be proud. She also proceeded to tell me that all of this drama/tension between my mother and I is not my problem. This was something shocking for me to hear. All of my life, I’ve changed in order to make my mom happy, to get her to love me and accept me. All of my life, I’ve thought there was something wrong with me for my mom to emotionally and physically hate me so much, after all I’ve watched for years how she cherished my brother. So she wasn’t incapable of loving or being a kind caring mother. But my therapist shed light on whatever reason my mother refuses to accept me for who I am, there is most likely some unconscious problem with her. She told me, my mother maybe has had a problem with her own mother or has had bad experiences with females in her life; this may be causing her to release most of her hurt on me. But my therapist kept reiterating that there is nothing wrong with me and she’s proud I’ve held on through so much pain. She just kept telling me that I’m a good person and I may have to just let go of the idea that I will have an actual mother. She made me realize that no matter what I do, how much I change, or where I go, I will never win, I will never be what my mother wants me to be. After hearing her tell me that I should let go and continue to live for myself, I almost felt…free. I felt like an incredible pressure was lifted from my back. I suddenly realized that all of my depression hurts me because of my mother. Letting go of the idea that I can eventually win over my mother’s love will set my soul free. I didn’t feel at all disappointed and I think that may be because I subconsciously realized I had given up on my mother some time ago. But I also had given up on myself. After my session, I felt as if I had regained my strength to continue trying to rebuild my life. I was no longer going to care what my mother wanted me to do or be, I refuse to change for anyone else anymore.
However, this momentary tranquility was short to last. I woke up this morning invigorated, pulsing with energy and feeling utterly giddy. I headed straight to the gym to endure a nice training run. Even my day felt productive, I successfully crammed the last few chapters for my astronomy exam. I didn’t have to work today after I had worked my ass off last week, so I felt I deserved some relaxation, even if final exams are looming in the distance for this semester. Anyway, I had cleaned the house, washed dishes, cooked dinner. When my mom and brother got home we ate (in our separate rooms) and everything felt fine. I was playing some Halo to take a break from studying. After all, hours of reading over galaxy formation can get a little tiring. I headed straight to the kitchen for some water in between a match and I simply asked what my mom was doing as I saw boxes, papers, literally crap all over the floor in the living room. She looked at me and snapped “putting up the Christmas tree, what the hell does it look like?†I didn’t really know why she turned so sour within the past hour. I ignored her instigation for an argument and I headed back to my room with the intention of just staying in there. Of course my mom comes barging in a few minutes later, walking to stand in front of my tv and starts shouting. “You and your brother are so lazy, you don’t do anything!†I just kind of sighed and asked what is her problem, why is she trying to start a fight? Honestly I was trying to keep my good mood intact, but she had other plans. She started to scream, spit landing on my hands, “You! You are fucking lazy. I’m sick and tired of having to do everything around here!†I was pretty tired of hearing her argument from the start, I replied back that I had just washed the dishes and cooked dinner! On the other hand, I had no idea what she was doing and she didn’t ask for help! That’s when she yelled “I shouldn’t have to!â€
Uh? What am I missing? Am I crazy or did she just imply that my brother and I are supposed to read her mind about doing things, like setting up the Christmas tree?! Really? Again what else am I supposed to do to make her happy?! I don’t get it. I am supposedly never on the right path in her eyes. Ever! Forget the fact that at the beginning of this year I was doing absolutely nothing with my life. I wanted to just lay in bed all day, because the pain was so unbearable. Fast forward to now where I have a job, I’m taking college classes, I’m training for my next racing season, and I’m making an initiative to learn to drive. (That’s a long story, but I’ve always been afraid to drive due to a car crash I was in when I was very young. I still get nightmares about it.) Anyway, it still hurts me when she can stand there and yell that I am lazy, that I do nothing, when I’ve worked so hard to come so far in the past few months and she acknowledges me as if I’m still as worthless as the day my depression started 9 years ago. I don’t get it. She threatened to not take me to work, she says she won’t let me go to the gym…isn’t that essentially hurting me more than ever? Isn’t that the opposite of helping? She says she’s tired of driving me to work, but isn’t work what she wants me to be doing? If I don’t work, she threatens to kick me out. But if I work, she has no life because she has to drop me off and pick me up. So which way am I supposed to be going? Should I just give up? I have to work tomorrow and I’m terrified I won’t make it there. I’d walk if it wasn’t so far or so cold here. One no show at work could get me fired. Not to mention I have an exam tomorrow that I can’t seem to even focus on right now I’m so upset. I felt so good yesterday and now I feel as low as I’ve ever been. I’m looking at suicide as the only option to help free me. This is so hard. I wish I had somewhere else to go. I wish I didn’t have to be stuck here. I wish her words didn’t hurt me so much. When will I ever be enough? You know you’re in a lot of pain when cutting for an hour straight does nothing to stop my tears… My mom keeps saying she just wants me gone. Maybe tomorrow I will make her wish come true. I wish I was gone too. Kill two birds with one stone right? She’ll head to work and I’ll head to my closet to stare at the noose waiting to confine my breath. I just hope my brother is able to find his own way and doesn’t end up like me. Even after how much my family has hurt me, I’m still willing to suffer so they don’t have to.
7 comments
Silencer, this post just makes me feel like I can relate to you more. listen, you can’t please everyone.. and your therapist is right; this is summed up in your final sentence. love is caring about someone more than yourself, and I think it shows a lot of maturity and strength that you still love your family, despite the mental (and sometimes physical) harm they’ve caused you. in addition to not pleasing everyone, you can’t worry about them forever – no matter how much you love them. you’ll find your own way and they’ll be a thing of the past. people you see at awkward family gatherings. please don’t harm yourself because, from what I can see in your post, you seem like an intelligent person – and I truly believe that this depression is going to be a temporary thing for you.
Mothers…Can’t live with ’em, but we CAN live without them…once we’re on our own. God forbid any mothers feel offended on this forum. It only applies to those it applies to, okay? No implications to anyone else. Sigh. Sorry to hear another case of the umbilical cord becoming a steel chain to tether the child to a parent’s ways.
Sounds like you had a great session with your therapist. She’s probably right–you can never do enough to please your mother because she simply won’t be pleased! That’s not your fault. Some parents rely on their children to be their emotional support because they don’t have other reliable adult support. But this doesn’t justify reliance on their children. Children should be nurtured by their parents, not the other way around. My mom used to want me to drive 20 minutes to her house to help her carry groceries 15 feet from her car to her kitchen door but would REFUSE help from a next door neighbor who walked over to help her. She just wanted gratification in having me make a sacrifice on her behalf. Bullshit–I never did. One time she tried to offer me $1000 to spend time with her but I refused because she tended to verbally treat me like shit within 20 minutes of being in her presence! Talk about someone desperate for attention. I do pity her but cannot give in to her ways when she refuses the company of her own peers and best friend over mine. Am I really that prized or does she just have problems? All throughout high school she wanted me to be her sole shopping companion and bragged to people about “how close we are”. Bullshit.
Back to you and your situation, sorry…I’m SO sad that you’re contemplating suicide for something that is not your fault and is not even fundamentally your problem to begin with. It’s your mother’s problem and you’re the collateral damage. If you’re old enough and able to leave home and make a living on your own, preferably far away from her, that might be something to consider for your own well-being.
I don’t know how interested you are in psychology, but if you look up parental “introjection”, you will discover this phenomenon where parents’ issues are sometimes so heavily projected into their children in such a way that the child believes and lives the effects as if the problems were stemming from within himself. Basically, in my own words, it’s the traumatic effects of a mom’s hand shoved so far up your ass that it reaches your mouth so that she tries to control your emotions or actions as if you were a puppet and she were the puppetmaster. That’s a real problem. Comprende? You are not the problem! You are not the problem! Stay with your therapist and take in those words of wisdom she gives about your relationship with your mother. This is an AGE-OLD struggle, parent-child. Your mom probably needs compassion like any other human being, but you are not the one responsible for giving her everything she needs emotionally. All this bitching at you sounds to me like she’s trying to garner sympathy from you for the stress in her life. Sure, you and your brother have responsibilities/chores and whatever around the house, but don’t think that means you need to be her therapist, husband, mother, father, best friend, minister, clown, or whatever! Jesus! I’d be more in support of your *****-slapping her to help wake her up than your ever hanging yourself. Okay, now I’M a little frustrated here…
Please make another appointment sooner with your therapist if you really turn that sharp of a turn after a good session. Thanks for posting. It already sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you’re really under a lot of stress and need some help keeping your own sanity while breathing the atmosphere of your mom’s unfortunate condition. By the way, I don’t mean to demonize your mother–she’s a human being who probably has good intentions albeit misguided. We’re here to support YOU, though, as some of us do understand some things about your predicament. I wish you the best.
First off thanks for even bearing through that long post! I really did believe my therapist yesterday. You know, I keep hearing depression is temporary, it’s just for right now, I’ve felt worthless for the past 9 years…That’s a long temporary. But I do feel that once I’m able to get away from my family that most of my depression won’t hurt so much. I honestly feel better when I’m alone and I think that’s because I realize I will never fit in with my family. I’m hoping for something that’s impossible. I just am having a hard time when it feels like my mom is purposely trying to sabotage all of my hard work! I mean c’mon, I’ve waited through pain for 9 years for me to finally start feeling better. My mother is complaining about suffering for 2 months of having to drive me places. Last year I went nowhere, had nothing to do, and rode my bike everyday. I just feel like if this doesn’t turn out this time and I lose my job or financial aid because I can’t focus to pass my exams, I don’t think I’ll have the strength to try and start over, again. I feel as if she’s bringing me down on purpose to make herself feel better. Now that I’m calling her out on it and not taking her insults quietly like usual, she’s threatening to be done with me altogether. I just love how people can discard me so easily. I know I’m talented, intelligent, strong, but I just feel as if my breaking point keeps getting attacked. I can’t heal myself when everyone is trying to step on my hands. It’s just hard. Everything I’m trying to do for myself takes time. Earning enough money to move away, passing the driving test, and earning my degree. All of it takes time, but everyone looks at me as if I should have it now, I need to get it overnight or else. I still feel as if I shouldn’t have to please anyone other than myself, I just am seeing how hard it’s going to be for me to physically set myself free, even if my mind is already traveling to that place and I’m not sure I have to emotional strength to see my journey through. I’ve always said it’s the one thing I don’t understand, I’d die for my family, but they wouldn’t do the same for me. They can barely withstand a year of trying to understand my depression. It’s sad how cruel this world is.
Thank you. I definitely find that helps when people say that. I really feel like I’ve been brainwashed for the past 9 years that I’m this huge problem for everyone. It’s really screwed up my way of thinking. That’s one of the reasons why it’s taking so much time for me to realize the truth, that I really just need to let go. I’ve always hoped that somehow my mom would change and would learn to accept me if I changed into the right thing for her, whether that was the straight A student, loyal community service helper, dedicated athlete, girly doll, or talented musician. But there always ended up being something else I needed to do, someone else I needed to be for her to love me. I realize I will never get there and it’s a waste of my life to try. I am glad to say I have finally calmed down a little. Some good music can do wonders for the mind. Anyway, thank you for the support and for reading through my post. That is one of my main goals right now, is to try and get away from here. I’m actually studying to be a psychologist and even I realize this environment isn’t healthy for my healing at all. I feel like everyone is trying to push me down as I’m trying to stand up. I just hope I have enough strength to hold on long enough to run away, well move away. Actually I have thought about hitting her just to see if she’d get some sense, although I have a fractured collarbone/separated shoulder so she knows my weak spot and I’m certain that wouldn’t be a good idea right now. Oh my gosh, I’m sorry your mother was trying to use you like that. I mean I’ve always wanted attention from my mom but I always received negative attention no matter what I did. I can say when I move I don’t think I’d ever want to maintain contact with her. I think in the back of my mind I will always love my mom and feel sad that I couldn’t share a bond with her like my brother but I think I’m better off by myself. I’m going to try to stay strong and move through this as quickly as I can. As of right now I still have to rely on her for things and that’s what scares me. She has so much power over what I’m able to do. Ultimately I can say I’ll hang on, but my fate really lies within her hurtful words.
I commend you for your realizations and inner resolve to make a healthy separation when you’re able to, which may take some time. And it takes time to grieve the fact that she should have given you good attention but hasn’t and that you (as any normal human would) want attention but can’t get it from her in a healthy way. If you put energy into becoming something you’re not to please her, you’ll drain yourself even more and lock yourself into a cycle of disappointment. You’re not the problem. Your fate shouldn’t lie within her hurtful words but since mothers have the most powerful influence in our lives, every time she hurts you, it’ll be a struggle to maintain a clear sense of your well-being and self-worth. But we’re here to support you along with anyone else you choose in life and we want you to feel you can hold up emotionally while in the thick of things with some help.
Thank you again for the support. I completely understand it’ll take time. My mother doesn’t understand that. She’s pushing and yelling she just wants me gone. She doesn’t understand that’s what I’m trying to do, but it’s not going to happen overnight. I’m just afraid time will run out on me. I’ve thoroughly convinced myself this is my absolute last try in moving on with my life. I’m willing to sacrifice everything I have to be free, including my emotional stability. I just wish she could see how hard I’m trying and give me some peace so I can actually focus on more progress, Nothing in life is ever easy, is it? Thank you for everyone here, taking the time to hold me up. I hope I can pull this one out. Here’s to suffering through another phase with a smile. I pray this doesn’t last as long as last time.
>>”I’m willing to sacrifice everything I have to be free, including my emotional stability.”<<
It's quite noble to feel the way you do. It shows to what extent you value personal freedom (rather than a herd mindset) and your willingness to uphold what you think is most important in life (or through death or a breakdown) without backing down. That's why I say in my bio that I support people's wishes when they feel suicidal. It's not that I want anyone to die. I just think I can see what they're striving for at a deeper level and I want to support that. You're way ahead of the curve in terms of self-knowledge. Many others slave away to others cluelessly for a lifetime. Is THAT kind of life worth living, relatively speaking?
It's good you're acknowledging and working with feelings of wanting acceptance from your mother. It's a heavy piece to work with but absolutely worthwhile. Feel free to share updates on your journeys. You know where to find us! 🙂