I tried to hang myself yesterday, multiple times. I sort of half-assed it, knowing that I wasn’t 100% ready to go just yet. It was more of a test I guess. I decided to put it off for a couple days. I’m ready to die, but I’m scared of being unsuccessful and waking up in a hospital.
Later that day, out of the blue, my boyfriend calls and says he saw a man who hung himself from the freeway overpass. Firefighters were cutting him down as he drove by.
:-/
Here I am trying to hang myself and my bf now has a vivid image of a person hanging in his head. Sadly all I could feel was envy for that man. I’ve been depressed for the majority of my life (I’m 27) and even as a kid I knew that I would die at a young age. I love my family and my bf…they mean so much to me, but I’m only living for them, and have been for years and years.
The coincidence doesn’t stop there…
A week ago I changed phone numbers and for some reason my mom didn’t get the memo. Since she couldn’t reach me, she was calling family members late last night, terrified that something had happened to me. If I had gone through with my attempt yesterday, and been successful, she would’ve had reason to.
Anyways I got in contact with her and said she basically forced me to give her my bf’s phone number in case anything ever happened to me. To be honest I always wanted her to have his number (and vice-versa) so when I’m gone they can get in contact with each other.
So on one side I’m terrified that my bf saw a man hanging, on another side I find comfort in knowing that my mother has a way of contacting my bf when I pass on.
To me these situations were no coincidense. It almost seems like something is trying to warn them about my eventual suicide. Or warn me, idk.
Knowing this, it still doesn’t really change my viewpoint. I feel terrible for my loved ones, but I just can’t continue. Am I being selfish? Yes. But I have to do what I feel is right for me.
Anyways, I wish all of you the best of luck.
2 comments
Hi Rdy- You clearly love your bf and your family, and it sounds like you have been struggling with this for a long time. I’d like to hear more about your story. Email so that I can better understand what you’ve struggled with, and it will help me help others. Even if you don’t think I can help you.
mrslindseylambert@gmail.com
It’s selfish and I don’t blame you. Living for someone else, isn’t living at all. Unless you were living for a child of yours or something..Then you are obliged (in my opinion) to stick around. Maybe it is a coincidence. But then again, coincidence has always plagued my life as well. It’s crazy, really.
If this is your final decision, I hope the best of luck to you. If it is not, I still wish the best of luck to you. But before you go, maybe you can tell me WHY you are in such a state that you must resort to suicide?
E-mail: albert.j.robinson@live.com