Could be a day

In my past life, I’ve met many men in my life, there were betrayal, dishonest, attitude and financial struggle with my partners due to many reasons, good or bad. I used to be a optimistic, easy going person when i was younger staying with my family. After I came to overseas, meeting more ugly side of human in this world, even those who have religious. With every single relationship, I always loved the most and gave everything I could to make my partner happy, including having bad debts of buying too much for my love one. There was one who used my love to trade love and materalistic items which he likes the most, he never gave his whole heart to me as he’s father of a daughter. Later I found my naive and stupid thinking of being his whatever sex partner, I walked away. At this stage, I tried to reach some men to get rid off the sad life and have a proper relationship, and I actually have bad depression symptoms after being away from home and had bad love life. I became different person who is anti-social and depressed to stay home all the time. Have no friends, no family around me, make me even worse. I tried to cut my wrist and body with leaving scars, but I’m scared of blood, I could scratch really hard to feel the pain, taking over the pain in my heart. After few months, I tried to meet men online, some were terrible dates until I met this recent bf. We hooked up really quick and things went fast by staying together and meeting his family all the time, buying a house together and thinking to get married. But he has his own life interest, which seems to be fair for him to spend more time and money over his CAR. A year till now, I can’t stop thinking that he’s over-obsessed with his car building and always sit in front of computer. We fought many times over this as I felt lonely and deep down inside, I always wanted to end life with the arguments. Recently, he tried to ‘enjoy’ his life by getting drunk with his old mates as he used to be away from them to quit drinking bad habits. He put the blame on me by making me feeling guilty as he needed to stay company with him since I have no friends. I really feel upset as I didn’t stop him from hanging out with mates in past year. Now he claimed that I have no right to make him telling me where he is or what he’s doing. I wonder if love still exists as he doesnt seem like to care me as much anymore after he found me mood swings and depressed. I feel like to end life because no one really cares about me. Men only love me at the beginning as I supressed my deep sorrow feeling in the very corner of my heart and tried so hard to hide it..