I am a fourteen year old girl, i can draw, paint, love friends, care for family, be happy with my boyfriend. Yet, i cant get thoughts of killing my self, it lurks in the back of my mind. My mother bashes me with words calling me “stupid dumb and a liar whos a disappointed and cant uphold family morals”. I lied to her, disappointed her. i got a FB and a boyfriend with out telling her, she hates me for that. I just wanted to fit in with my friends and be with the guy i like. A’s and B’s are never good enough, im not perfect enough for her. I dont plan to kill my self yet, i know life gets better but its hard for me with those thoughts of suicide lurking, slowly getting closer. And my mum rubbing it in my face that i cant be perfect and im a horrible person whos just a liar and disappointment to her. I just want to talk to someone is all. Thats all i need, a helping hand. You talk to me and i talk back. I want to be helpful, truthful, and not a disappointment to someone, anyone, everyone, thats why i want to talk. Thank you to anyone who has read this, writting this has already helped me keep the suicide thoughts away, but they will continue you lurk. Again, thank you, thank you Suicide Project for letting my feelings out.
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Thank you for venting…. I know it helps. I’m so sorry to hear how your mother treats you. That’s terrible. Do you any other relatives you can talk to? A school counselor?
Im honestly too scared asking a school counsler, im just so used to hiding how i feel and not causing a commotion i haven’t asked. And im terrified of making problems in our family, thats why i vented on here, and thank you so much for commenting, it means the whole world too me.
Hi Doll
May I please ask if you have ever been diagnosed with OCD? OCD carries intrusive repetitive thoughts that can be similar to those you describe. The obsession with suicide – well – let me offer this –
Sometimes with OCD we pick the worst effing thing imaginable in our minds – somewhere along the way we picked up on something as being inherently wrong or against what we are told to value. One of those things is to value life. If this was instilled in your head very strongly and you picked up on it that suicide is one of the scariest most terrible things that could happen or you were to carry out – if you have OCD this is why the cycle goes round and round.
I have good news for you. You do not have to ACT on any intrusive thought you have no matter how compelling. Sometimes knowing this can help alleviate your pain. YOu do not HAVE to act on intrusive thoughts.
You also have mentioned other things about your mom. I have a shitty FYI for ya. Moms are people too. I swear to God even though they appear to be out of a camels ass at times or from planet moronbegone, they were your age once and probably thought the same of their moms.
That is not discounting what you feel. PLease understand ok?
I mean – when I turned into a mom I thought I was okay. I owned a tattoo shop and every young person in there adored me. My kids thought I was a dick no matter how much I tried not to be a pain in their ass.
Other kids were and still are shocked that my kids hate me.
It hurts bad as a mom because all I ever wanted was well adjusted cool kids and be close to them. In my case divorce effed it up.
So – your mom will say dumb shit and hurtful crap. I wonder if she is having issues of her own causing her to be this way with you. But the problem is this. You need support.
So how about a school counselor?
Nobody is perfect. If your mom said this she needs to be schooled on the matter!
It may feel that way and I swear to crap you feel this for sure – but if your mom lost you to suicide and realized some of the things or thought processes she hit you with contributed to you quitting she would be mortified and promise god to bring you back if it meant changing the course of things.
SO before the course of things happen – I ask you to please get into counseling via school or tell your mom how you are feeling and suggest you BOTH go.
This way no one regrets because they are trying – and soon enough with work and time your heart will heal as well as these awful pesky OCD thought patterns.
This plan is a start.
How bout it ?
I have never been diognosed with OCD, my room is a constant mess and very disorganised. Thank you for your advise ill try, i mean honestly really try, to talk to my mum, and yes i agree she is a person andhas reasons. Butitjust stings so badly that i keep disappointing her. I like the plan, a lot,thank youit really means a lot.
Anya
Please do not be fearful to go for help.
PLEASE. What are you afraid of?
You want a safe place to talk without being locked up is my guess? It does not happen that way – they dont lock you up.
I would rather you reach out and feel safe to do so than not to try and quit this place.
What im scared of being a problem, causing issues for others, i have always tried not to annoy others wich in someways causes me to be slightly anti social. I always say “stand up andyltell how you fell to my mum” but then i see and i get scared of how she will react and if im going disppoint her and just be a fail. And the lock up thing, im not scared of it ijust dont want to be locked up then freed and get pitty looks or looksthat say “freak”. Andiguess i dont stand up to her is i get so…..angry…im so angry at her words they sting so much that every mean insulting word she tells me lowers my self esstem wich i guess makes me scared of being a problem.
Anya
Adults have the benefit of experience and resources to guide and suggest starting points to empower you to feel better. To communicate freely w out fear.
I know you are angry. Its ok to be. What do you think would help for you to be able to talk and feel safe in doing so? You are not a burden
Adults do but…i dunno i feel like i cant trust them enough. Talking on here helps a lot, i can finally tell someone how i feel,with out being fearful, its nice. I guess im not a burden but i cant help feel like one, just dumping my problems on others making life harder for them. But i guess i just have to keep breathing for now ;)thanks for listeni g to me vent, i honestly cant tell you how much im grateful for this.