I recently got married and moved out of the country. Â I’m now living in my husband’s place, I guess ours now, and don’t have a job yet. Â There are a lot of bad things about the neighborhood and the town, and the weather is making my fibromyalgia a lot worse (we’re in England).
I’ve had a lot of horrible things happen in the last three years, one right after the other, and truly felt that meeting my husband a year and a half ago was something good. Â I was so happy on our wedding day.
But the house is noisy, the neighbors are terrible, I don’t know anyone so am completely isolated, and I can’t drive anywhere as I don’t know how to drive here yet. Â So far, especially with me being so depressed and anxious and with all the side effects from my medications, I haven’t been able to pick up driving with all the new rules.
In my last relationship, I got burned really bad. Â My bf kicked me out during the first year of a very stressful job and legal battle. Â I don’t have relatives or friends to live with, and ended up having to borrow money to get an apartment.
I always knew it would be tough to trust again, after that, if I ever did. Â I have told my husband that I didn’t have much faith in life and struggle with depression. Â Despite being over 40 and having a college degree, I haven’t found a stable way to make a living. Â I was only able to hold my last job for a few years because I was on over four medications, but was still barely able to function. Â I have tried *everything* in an effort to “get better,” and now just accept that I am a damaged person with serious health problems who is not capable of having a full life.
My husband is a great person, and has a lot going for him. Â I hate being someone who drags him down. Â I often think about how much happier he would be if he was with someone who was healthy. Â The last four months have been incredibly rocky, and in the first two I only considered how I could leave this horrible, bleak, little town.
I thought I might have a future here with my husband, and I entertained the possibility of being happy, but now that I’m here I’m realizing that without a way to make a living, being so isolated and with all of my health problems, I will never be happy. Â On days like this, I regret getting married and I certainly regret coming here. Â I know that I did it partially out of desperation bc I knew I couldn’t sustain my last situation. Â I feel like it’s only a matter of time before my husband kicks me out as I’m depressed all the time, angry that he brought me to such a horrible place, and I have no faith in anything anymore. Â He’s wonderful, but I am not even healthy enough to be married except to someone as miserable as myself. Â At least then I wouldn’t be dragging someone else down.
I don’t feel like I can kill myself, but wish that I was dead. Â This is my fantasy thought.
8 comments
hey…. first you know there are side effect medications right? i take one called cogentin its a good little pill i use to take seroquel and it has side effects like muscle spasms and restlessness while it puts you in a tranquil mood and i was taking cogentin some of the time while on it and it worked while on it. also you cant put so much on your own head about marraige and living arrangements. it’ll only stress you further i dont know england but maybe a support group will help or asking your husband to move to a better location and maybe doing family therapy sometime with you to try to cheer you up…. thats a good test on whether you have a fine lover or not. im not a happy person. sometimes i get cheerful but i look for problems around every corner and all it does is drag you back down. i think your very intelligent for stating your problems so easily. try somthing that degree will go to waste in a depressed mind. with love from another…bye
yeah fuck that why say selfish you have no idea what kind of retarded bullshit that is who else is a person to think about but themself.yeah if married or with children there are others to think of but i swear the comment you left made me think about how people can believe that suicide is selfish at most its a self calming technique. learn or think about what the fuck your gonna say dont be idiotic smarts and good sense come from the ability to understand.
sorry wrong story
sorry NOINTEREST the first comment is to you but the second i meant to write on another story
That’s cool, blood doll–I knew what you meant and was glad someone agreed with me! At least getting mad is a break from being depressed as hell, right?
And thanks very much for responding to me–it’s great to know that someone is even out there–it’s so weird being so far from people who know my name!
I will certainly try to keep my head up, even if it’s just to correct all the misconceptions people have about depressed, self-destructive, and suicidal people. They just simply do not know, and have no idea what hell we go through every single day.
May you get a break too blood doll–so sorry you’ve had it bad!
xoxo to all who read,
A.
yeah (angry as hell) 🙂 thank you for your nice words. its hard for a normal person(normal:a person in which has no dibilarting disorders or lack of ability) to understand self denial self hatred self envy envy in others pitty despair feeling pittiful or anyother thing we and ours feel or go through i would say all of us are family even if we dont get along we could all love and hate another the way someone in need or in want of help feels. you are kind very kind for sayin what you did to me im glad i meant something to someone. (hell maybe i’ll make a career out of it….nah id be too much of a manic for em.) well i wanna know does it really stink in england? do all the english have shity teeth? if so i should move there(i dont take care of myself its to non destructive). but any way…. be insayne loose touch with reality then mission accomplished(i live in florida astrounauts and all)return home.
I just want to say blood doll, how wonderful you are reaching out the way u do despite your battles u describe. There are a lot of very insensitive people out there…but u know what…a lot of it is just pure ignorance. As there is so little known about mental health. And I for one sure hope that big changes are made to the system….because to see how much you people on this site are suffering just breaks my heart. I just hope that you fight as hard as u can with as much support as u can get to improve your quality of life.
Good luck X
Hey blood doll–yeah, self-hatred is a tough one. I feel like it makes perfect sense though. If we’re so miserable, of course we’re going to rally against the vehicle for all our suffering, which is ourself! Sometimes I think we’re people who are just too passionate, too intense….
Re. England realities–things don’t smell, per se, but they are very dirty and gloomy. Also very overcrowded. It’s common to just toss litter into the street, onto the floor on a train, or whatever. People wouldn’t do that as blatantly in the US most of the time. I actually haven’t noticed any difference in people’s teeth, so at least in this area, I think that’s a misconception! The drinking culture is intense though. That part is for real, and also that the men are very proud, and in this little port town I can see a lot of those Anglo-Saxon traits–warring, into being tough and into bragging, and sort of that “fight to the death” quality. Today’s a rare day when the sun is strong. It’s still cold, and wet, maritime cold, and I’d often kill for a bit of FL sunshine!