I understand that killing myself would leave a lot of people pretty messed up for the rest of their life, not to mention my two little dogs would never have the dream life I want for them (to one day be frolicking free in beautiful gardens etc.)Â
My little brother died a year ago just days before his 21st birthday. It was technically an accident but I think it was more. I understand that when YOU die, YOUR pain might end, but then it just spreads to everyone else who survives you to last with them for the rest of their life… Not that I am angry that my brother isn’t here, not angry anymore… A suicide is never the right answer for those that love you – and believe me – PEOPLE LOVE YOU. It is hard to believe that sometimes when you are really suffering and not a damn single person seems to understand or care … and who knows why that is… maybe because we are all only human after all, and we all suffer from problems.
But I just want to disappear, and I just can’t. I mean, for the obvious reasons, and also because I would be leaving too much pain behind me… Even if it’s just for a little while. But I welcome the prospect of death…Â
It’s not even my childhood or my current family situation that makes me want to off myself, though believe me it would seem like the most likely source of my troubles. But it’s not, my biggest source of troubles is LACK OF MONEY. I am young and twenty something… I am the manager of a small retail shop in my neighborhood, and I can’t afford to buy any furniture for my apartment, and will be short on rent this month… I always see photos of celebrities and famous rich people and that wouldn’t be so bad, except that lots of people around me try to emulate them and are far more successful than I am, I can’t even afford eyeliner or make up brushes. I don’t have any sexy underwear or trendy clothes, I have crappy cheap shoes and my hair is always tied back because I’m always having a bad hair day… I couldn’t afford any christmas decorations, and I only eat about one crappy meal a day. Oh and by the way my lips are super chapped from the cold but I can’t even afford lip gloss.
SO yeah, I want to die because I am POOR…Â
It ruins my self confidence and my sex drive, though to be exact I guess that’s the subsequent depression.
I just don’t feel like this world is right for me, or vice versa… Or I’m just a failure and a runt and to be a successful human being and live a fulfilled life where you are rewarded with purpose and the ability to discover yourself, I would have to be born Petra Ecclestone…
I am not going to kill myself, but I am just going to continue to feel my heart breaking each and every day, but I guess that’s what will make all the people around me feel better about ignoring my depression, though it’s not entirely fair that I say they are ignoring it when aside from my boyfriend , they don’t know about it because I don’t talk to very many other people. I hide my depression. My boyfriend knows though, and has known for some time. He’s younger than me though, whatever the reason he doesn’t seem to really understand or care since I’m not actually killing myself. As long as I don’t go to kill myself it’s like nothing is wrong with me.
However, if I go to kill myself and don’t succeed then people think I’m a crazy ***** or some kind of crazy weirdo that is beyond reasonable help.Â
So I’m just going to suffer quietly, except for this post on the internet obviously, but here it is everyone, I WANT TO DIE, but I can’t. This is Hell.
8 comments
daisy88,
sorry but hahaha you and i are so………. much a like! your rant sounds like something i would write! you also sound like a very good and normal person,i bet your a kick to be around. and don’t get mad at me but you don’t need sexy underware just a sexy attitude that radiates far more than anything with a good attitude you’d be sexy in a potatoe sack.lol
Perhaps rent a room instead of renting an apartment. Also probably having two dogs is pretty costly. Apply for food stamps.
“A suicide is never the right answer for those that love you – and believe me – PEOPLE LOVE YOU.”
Suicide is “the answer” for the person that does it, not for other people. As for love, yeah, sometimes they do, but sometimes they don’t. That’s the fucking problem with suicide – who’s pain is “worth” more ? The suicide-er, or the people that may morn after him ?
“…my biggest source of troubles is LACK OF MONEY.”
A lot of people will have this problem in the years to come…
“I couldn’t afford any christmas decorations…”
That is a good thing. All this X-mass bullshit isn’t healthy.
“SO yeah, I want to die because I am POOR…”
That’s a very good reason.
“…fulfilled life where you are rewarded with purpose and the ability to discover yourself, I would have to be born Petra Ecclestone…”
Maybe celebrities, people with money, etc., don’t have the “everyday problems”, but their life is sometimes fuck up too (I don’t mean only booze and drugs). And often they can’t “discover themselves” because they’re expected do do what their parents did, or what their “celebrity type” is supposed to do.
“I am not going to kill myself, but I am just going to continue to feel my heart breaking each and every day…”
And you think that state is gonna be better for you, and people around you, than being dead ?
“…he doesn’t seem to really understand or care…”
Most men aren’t very empathic (emotions and stuff, aren’t an important thing in the standard male upbringing) so don’t require him to really know how bad it is. Especially since the whole depression\suicide thing is overused, so people ignore it.
Try to talk to him, but be prepared that he could play the “tough macho male” role, or will want to “fix” it, even if you just want to talk about it.
“However, if I go to kill myself and don’t succeed then people think I’m a crazy ***** or some kind of crazy weirdo that is beyond reasonable help.”
That, or they put you in the padded room, or try to “help” in some other way.
“…I WANT TO DIE, but I can’t. This is Hell.”
Yes it is…
Hi Daisy; I was poor when I was in my 20’s too. It was horrible. Like you, I couldn’t afford sexy underwear either.
For many people life gets better financially in their 30’s. It takes time to work your way up the food chain. Being poor definitely sucks, but there’s no guarantee that you’ll have to suffer with cheap shoes and no lip gloss for the rest of your life. Good luck.
Thanks rocketman! I never really thought about it like that, I guess a sexy girl can look sexy in a potato sack… Your reply made me smile. I had a rough night last night and it won’t be the last but I am waking up today feeling differently. Thanks 🙂
Thanks lucy4 that’s actually very reassuring. I hate being poor so much that I definitely am always working hard to change it. I didn’t think of time like that, I was just so pressed for it to happen right now while I’m still in the “best years of my life”. But I don’t know any truly self made 20somethings with a lot of money. Most of the people who I see around this city that are doing financially well or very well either get money from their parents (lucky) or are older. Thanks for your opinion
To this person who advocates suicide: you actually made me see how whining and weak my arguments for wanting to kill myself are. As I read your excerpted quotes from my post I thought “hah that sounds so shallow and weak minded” and then to read your opinion was surprising, and I don’t know if you were going for the whole reverse psychology thing but it worked… I know for a fact that everyone is loved by someone and I know that because I have loved a lot of people even terrible violent psychopathic ones. Also suicide is selfish, but I understand the correlation between thinking u will suffer all your life in pain or saving yourself from misery.
But if there is one thing my brothers death taught me it’s that MAYBE this life is NOT about YOU finding happiness the way you think, maybe it’s about finding happiness by doing good things and making other people happy, maybe it’s meant to be a challenge. Or maybe not, maybe it’s all just a ridiculous coincidence… Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe next month will be better… Etc…
My brother died the day before we were all going to hang out together, me my sister my mom and him just like old times, maybe if he held on and talked to me that day he would still be alive.
I struggle with his death every day. My family situation is ruined I blame my mom, she has gone truly off the deep end even more so than before, I never see any of my family anymore not even during holidays I’m like an orphan or something not like I care I would give anything to have my brother back and I don’t blame him but that is what happens. Its terrible to kill yourself which is why I would rather spend an eternity suffering than to kill myself and hurt my little sister… Who knows she might be next, then my mom… There’s no point in that. Not when little things still make me happy, like a hot cup of tea.
Jjgirl, I have fallen on rough times, I used to be ale to afford them but I lost my job 7 months ago. In that short period of time I have started a new job at a pet store and earned a promotion where I pay wholesale cost for all my pet supplies and food, but ordinarily you would be right, two dogs Even small ones can be an expense. I can’t rent a room with two dogs. Not in this city.
But thanks for your pragmatism. I simply will not give my dogs up, so that’s something I have to work around :/ thx