One year later

Well. Here I am, one year later, about to turn 14 on February.

If you’re wondering when, how and why the hoot I got her, my last post is here. http://suicideproject.org/2012/05/i-need-help-13/

Anyways, that aside, I thought I’d come here again, except this time, I have a few different reasons. (WARNING: Long post)

Last year, I was very antisocial, and I had almost no friends without counting the people I knew online, and I was very depressed. It hasn’t changed.

I’d been in the furry subculture since before I posted here last time. As you can imagine, I found the perverted side of the fandom very easily and almost as soon as I found the fandom itself. It’d been a big interest, and eventually I made a million fursonas, one of which I’m trying to stick to.

I joined a facebook group not long ago which was based around posting yiff pictures and the like, and my friend made the group. I, of course, was asked to lend a hand.

It was a big mistake.

My friend didn’t set the group to private, for which reason the pictures didn’t stay in the group. My friends saw everything, and eventually, so did a family member. Mom got a call while we were waiting in the car for a friend to come back down from the hospital, and it was just the two of us. She went on and on about me being a sick piece of shit. I didn’t care too much what she said, or at least I wouldn’t have, if I didn’t agree.

I contemplated suicide again on the way home. I attempted for the first time in the shower, but of course, I pussied out, and only left a few little cuts that luckily left no scars. I told my sister, though the support didn’t help much.

After a while, I told my therapist who, as a result, had to tell my mom, so they decided to take me to some therapy for 5 days. On the way back home, I lied and said I didn’t know that the group would post those things, kind of proving my point of being a piece of shit.

The 5 day therapy was during the last few days of vacation, but worked almost perfectly. I was happy for some time, and even met a guy I liked, to which I confessed after he did. Unfortunately, the distance made it impossible, and talking through the phone wasn’t very good. In the end, we stopped talking after the first few days of school, though I still think of him occasionally.

I made a friend -who was a girl- near the beginning of the first semester, with which I started hanging out with more often during and after class, even going to her house. Eventually, I started hanging out at a tree known as the “rocker’s tree” in school. There are a lot of cool people there, including gamers, nerds, rockers (duh), and pretty much any person that wasn’t a chav, gangster or gangster wannabe. I made more friends, most of which are guys, but only talked frequently with a few.

At one of the visits to her house, we walked to her friend’s house as usual. A guy friend of hers told me to go with him to a park to get some sticks for being stupid. After a few of the kids at the park, I, god-knows-how, got on my knees and, well… things happened.

Earlier that day, I’d confessed how I felt to him, to which he reacted badly. He said if I looked better, then MAYBE he’d like me, which made me feel like shit on the inside even more, and still does. I just assume he took the chance at my naivety.

Anyways, my (girl) friend and I stopped talking for a while. Not because we had a fight, but because I was apparently “neglecting” her (and she did the same almost every day to hang out with other people (Tsk. -_-). I started talking more to an old friend; the one from my last post who didn’t talk to me. We started hanging out a lot, and my friend seemed to have a problem with that, so she decided to make up stories about her, saying how she wanted to steal me away from her. I didn’t listen, so she got mad at me and stopped talking to me. During the whole time, I started realizing how much she loved to lie, and made up lies about any girl she didn’t like, and made sure I wasn’t friends with ’em, which included her sister.

During that time, I also started hanging out with another guy who hangs out where we do. Me, being the half-dude/half-girl bi chick that I am, just went along with whatever he did. We get along pretty well, and of course, that turned into a crush, but I’m afraid to tell him for fear of what happened last time I did. It’s weird, he isn’t your typical good-looking guy; he’s actually fat, but I don’t give it importance. I suppose I’m less focused on how people look than you’d think- if you saw all the people I liked, you’d think the same.

Aside from that, people’s drama and bullshit didn’t help with my depression, and I’m actually 10x worse now. In my head, I’m never positive about myself, and I hate myself incredibly for everything I was, am, and probably always will be. My appearance improved a lot since my last post, but how I feel never changed too much. I still tend to cry a lot when I should be sleeping, and looking at myself in a mirror serves as fuel for feeling like that. I’m my own worst enemy, and I never feel good about myself at all. I think that if it weren’t for the people I know online, and drawing, I would’ve blown/sliced my head off already.

My image seems to tell people I’m worth even less; I dress in a sort of tomboy-ish style, with scruffy, short hair and baggies the way I like it, and don’t like looking too feminine, nor do I act like it. I only wished more people would care less about image like myself, or at least care less about rubbing it in my face. I always wind up treating others the way I would like to be treated myself, but I should’ve known that was never true. I have a strong hate for humans and people my age in general, which seems to be second to myself. (See also: misanthropy)

I just hope you could encourage me to feel better, and maybe something to keep me from being suicidal. I want to start the new semester feeling better. Perhabs, even, you could answer a few doubts; Should I tell him how I feel? Should I forgive her? Or not give a fuck? (Hehe, probably going for the second one, ’cause my family won’t approve now after this.) And of course… How can I kill those suicidal thoughts and depression and feel better at last?

http://www.facebook.com/lydia.abel.90 (Second) Facebook account. I know, stupid decision to post it here, but I dunno… (Don’t do anything stupid with this, please. ;-;)