Maybe this post is irrelevant, but when has it ever mattered in the past. I’ve been on this site for a year and while I’m less depressed than I was, I’m still in the same damn boat I got on 3 and half years ago. I can’t believe it’s been so long. Time just flew by. I hardly noticed it’s passing. Days meld together and become a blur. I’ve aged in that time and yet I still feel like I belong in high school or something. Not because that’s my mentality, but, I don’t know what I mean. It’s just… that’s the last thing I can remember. That’s not what I mean either. I’m sorry for not making much sense. The last time I really did anything with my life was go to high school. I didn’t care for school but it was comfortable there, after a time. Now I realize it was one of the easiest times of my life. I kind of wish I could go back to when things were easy. Maybe if I were allowed a do-over I wouldn’t have taken everything so seriously. I still take things very seriously. But they’re things that are supposed to be taken seriously in adult world. I don’t want to be an adult. It sucks. There, I said it. It fucking sucks.
One of my New Year’s resolutions was to apply for more jobs this year. So I spent some time this evening searching the net for jobs in my area. Lo and behold I’m not qualified for any of them – little that there were. That depressed me. Not just the fact that I’m not qualified; the fact that this is what life is. That we’re herded off and broken down into categories by skill level and labelled all to serve the greater good or some shit like that. It’s all so cold and impersonal. I’m having the hardest time trying to accept that this is what life is, as I said before. From a young age we’re brainwashed into following a certain order and to be obsessed with maintaining good grades to get that high GPA, and if you ace all the right tests you can get into a good school to choose what career field you’ll go into. As if careers and school were the only things that mattered; the only things that made you important. Well, the brainwashing never worked on me, though I was brainwashed into thinking I wasn’t important because I didn’t know what I wanted “to be” or what I wanted “to do”.
Now that I know careers and school aren’t everything, I don’t feel much better for it. Not while pretty much everyone else in the entire world thinks the opposite. Because that knowledge leaves me with what? What choice do I have? I either surrender myself to them, or I don’t. Not surrendering myself is suicide or it means becoming some sort of survivalist. I don’t really want to kill myself, not to mention all of the unreliable methods. I couldn’t possibly become a survivalist – I don’t have the skill level for that. haha. Again, what choice do I have?
Sometimes, I still feel the shame of only amounting to a good person. That’s all I can say of myself at the end of the day. Well, at least I’m a good person. Funny the way that is. That there’s shame involved for having a heart.
28 comments
Hey GoodGirl,
What the heck were you doing up in the wee hours? Are you kookoo? haha
This post took me back a year as well. Not gonna pull the whole Adastra thing on you…or even repeat my earlier suggestions about creating a job. The job isn’t the issue…now is it? It’s the pointlessness of it all…with a serving of anxiety on the side eh? 🙁
You know my youngest is dealing with much the same issues…am currently trying to help her…but she can’t even fulfill the requirements to graduate…the volunteer hours that are required here. So I am little or no help 🙁 Unless you wanna have a Spiritual experience and find new meaning to your life? 😛 jk
This is the quest for the Grail so to speak…you must search for and find meaning in your own existence…toughest job ever!!! But you are doing better than most…because you are still a good person…even if you end up working at the Quicky Mart…that is the truth.
Although I have no answers…you know that I got your back…you’ve made a world of difference to me and my life…I just wish I could figure out how to pay you back!! 🙁 Are you sure that college is out of the question? Sometimes that is the place to discover yourself and your interests. And there is always loans and such. You don’t have to pay them back until you get a job…if ever…hahaha
No matter what
I love my GoodGirl
Auntie Ama
Hey Ama.
I dunno what I was doing up in the wee hours this morning, thinking and stuff. Not sleeping, that’s for sure, hah. I probably am kookoo. But you’ll still be my friend, right? lol
You’re absolutely right… the job isn’t the issue, and I’m not sure if it ever was the real issue. I think I failed to explain it last year, or everyone failed to understand what I was trying to say. Thank you for being understanding. Sometimes that’s all that’s really needed; someone to understand. I think that’s how you can pay me back. Or, well, consider it paid. 🙂
The anxiety I have is obvious, but it’s more than that. It’s definitely the pointlessness that gets to me. I think I could deal with the fear if I thought there was a point in the first place. But combined it really seems hopeless sometimes. So I spend most of the time trying not to think about any of it, because when I do I get really depressed over it all. I’m sorry that Jana is going through the same kind of thing. I had the same problem in high school with the volunteer hours. You know what I did about that? I had one of my aunts lie for me and sign the papers saying I babysat my cousin, when I really didn’t. haha. I didn’t do any volunteering and I didn’t babysit, though I think my cousin did come over to our house in Cowhallop, but I wasn’t the only person here. I’m not comfortable with lying, but I’m comfortable with half of a lie that’s not hurting anybody. 😛
I guess I do have to find meaning in my own existence. That does sound tough. I feel like being a decent human being should be enough, but I don’t think it is. What meaning did you find for your existence?
I don’t think college is out of the question. I know I gave off that way in my post and probably other posts and things I’ve said in the past. But I think I’m open to it. I just feel like it may be out of the question right now ? Sometimes I think it’s in the question right now. Basically I’ve been flip flopping with the idea because I’ve no idea what to do. haha.
Thanks for having my back. I love my ‘Auntie’ Ama. 😀
OMG GoodGirl,
I just walked in the freezing cold to the drugstore and bought myself some sour cream and bacon chips…with a side of Ferrero Roche…hahaha Want some? 😛
Jana has decided to go with horticulture…and work in a greenhouse…alone…hahaha Now if we can just get her there. I am being a mean mom and making her do the volunteer hours…most of it is fear…and the only way past it sometimes is through it eh?
Finding meaning in your own existence…hmmm…it takes a lifetime really…haha But you have to keep moving…or you get stuck. I think you know exactly what I mean…haha :O Yeah…I didn’t understand last year…haha…but I’m glad I took the time to understand. You were well worth it!! Now we just have to convince you eh? rah rah
I think you should def think about applying to college for the fall…no sense waiting till your old…but then I went to university in my 40’s eh? haha Ever heard of Holistic medicine? Maybe you can be a juju doctor? It doesn’t really matter what you do…as long as it feeds and shelters you. The purpose of life is not to be rich or famous…not that you can tell so much anymore. But purpose comes with experience…oh yeah…and a spiritual experience or so…hahaha Quantum physics says you are a co creator of the universe…hahaha…so no pressure eh?
Ahhhh…you know I love ya…even if you go on to be the best turnip farmer in Cowhallop…just be the best you…that is all. No pressure eh? hahahaha
Random question. Ever see that sitcom called The Neighbors? I watched it online a few times…still makes me laugh…hahaha…but it is about “normal” people who move into a neighborhood full of aliens with famous athletes names. Okay…so…the episode that killed me was called “Juan of the Dead”. It is on CTV dot com…if you get a chance.
BTW…being a decent human being is more than enough. 😀
Love ya…just can’t believe your here!!!!
Ama
So much for my resolution eh? hahahaha
YES, I would love some sour cream and bacon chips with a side of Ferrero Rocher. 😀 I hope it was worth the walk in the freezing cold. Then again, it is chocolate. So of course it was! lol I have some chocolate of my own, thankfully, so I’m not too jealous or anything. But no bacon and sour cream chips. I really need to find me some of those. Hm, they should make sour cream and bacon and cheddar chips. Sounds like a heart attack in a bag, right? Or is it perfection? Hmmm. hahaha
Aw, you’re being a mean mom and making her do the volunteer hours? Poor Jana. 🙁 hehe. But working alone in a greenhouse doesn’t sound so bad.
Yeah, I know what you mean about getting stuck. That’s what I’m doing (or not doing) right now. I know I should keep moving, it’s just so hard once you’ve been stuck for so long. Maybe that’s an excuse, but it feels hard. That sounded dirty. lol. Sad to know that finding meaning takes a lifetime. Waaaah. Hey, I’m glad you took the time to understand too. After all, not many people have.
A turnip farmer? A juju doctor? lmao. Yes, I’ve heard of Holistic medicine. Hm. You know I’ll do some more thinking about college, don’t you? Always thinking. I think you have a point there; purpose comes with experience. I was onto that thought about a week ago, but then I had a setback with, well, all of this. So I’ve got to experience to find my special purpose. Haha, have you ever seen the movie The Jerk? I’ve got a special purpose!! 😛
Quantum physics. I saw that one time you asked someone on here if they ever saw What the Bleep Do We Know? – I saw that! It’s confusing, but it was interesting. No, I haven’t seen The Neighbors, but I’d heard of it. I might check that out, thanks.
Yeah, so much for that resolution, but I just sort of figured you weren’t serious anyway. 😉 Love ya lady A.
Hey GoodGirl,
I was so serious. 😉 But it is a resolution to attempt to change…not an edict. haha
That was hysterical…I’m reading along…hmm hmm hmm…”so I’ve got to experience to find my special purpose” hahaha…and immediately I think of Steve Martin…only to read the next line. YES…I love that friggin’ movie…just remember what his first job was eh? hahaha And no technically you don’t have the same sort of special purpose…haha…or do you? eeek I loved the homestead at the end…hahaha
Actually hate to be the bearer of bad tidings…but Lays has put out a sour cream, bacon and cheddar chip here…hahaha And they are on sale right now…haha Glad you got some chocolate though…I ate all mine…hahaha 😀
I think you really should think about college for many reasons…not the least is getting out of Cowhallop…haha One of the lines from that sitcom I mentioned…haha…the alien says…”Let me see if I have this straight. You bury your loved ones under the ground…but a moose you just met…you stuff and hang on the wall?” haha Only in Cowhallop eh? Have you been keeping your eye out for a town mascot still?
Did you catch the part on What the Bleep where they talk about how our thoughts and emotions affect matter…the whole thing with the ice crystals? I dunno…am rereading the book currently.
Let me know if you watch the Neighbors…haha I might just have a “strange” sense of humour…hahaha
Love ya
Ama
Hey Ama, haha, maybe that’s where I’m going wrong… making resolutions into edicts instead of seeing them as an “attempt” to change. Not so much pressure that way.
Lol, it would have been even funnier if I would have left it at that sentence and leave it up to you to get the reference. But I thought I’d ask anyway. 😉 Nah, I don’t have the same special purpose. 😛 I haven’t seen that movie in a long time, so my memory of it is kinda fuzzy. I’ve just always remembered that scene and the beginning where he narrates ‘…I was born a poor black child’. hahaha. And some bits in between. I’ve got to watch that again.
Nooooo! Actually, that makes me happy that such a chip exists, but I’m jealous because I want some. You ate all of your chocolate already, hah? I just had some ice cream… it wasn’t chocolate, so I had to drizzle, no, pour chocolate all over it. 😀
Yeah, I could stand to get out of Cowhallop, but I’m spoiled now because I don’t like cities. Haha, I like that line… so true. Hm. My mom wanted to stuff one of our cats that died. But I thought that would be kinda creepy. I think hanging deer and moose heads up on the wall is creepy too. We don’t have any in our house. I’m sure other Cowhallopers do, though. No, I stopped looking for a mascot. Hm. Perhaps that’s my special purpose. hehe.
I don’t remember the ice crystals… but I seem to remember that they talked about how our thoughts and emotions affect matter. I will let you know if I watch Neighbors and if I also have a “strange” sense of humor. I think I do. I hate to poop out on this party, but I have a couple of shows I meant to catch up on and then I might actually catch an early night tonight. I’ll catch ya later gator.
Love ya
GoodWoman
Haha Love it!!! GoodWoman!!!
Yep…gonna hit the hay myself. If you have the same sense of humour as I do…well that is just scary…hahaha But I do say that laughter is the best medicine…and it also has no adverse side effects unlike some others…haha Also I think I’m gonna take up the spoons…see The Jerk…haha I almost quoted the same scene…the opening…haha But the darned kid has me nervous about the whole race thing…ahahaha She is kinda the Jerk in reverse…hahaha 😀
Hey I got a resolution for ya….try to laugh more…hehehe Watch the Neighbors and let me know. Also watch your neighbours…haha…you’ll never know what you’ll find hanging on the walls of Cowhallop next…haha…and you are sure the city can’t be preferrable? hahaha
Mmmmm…now I want ice cream 🙁 and chocolate…more chocolate 🙁
But I’ll just have to go to bed and dream about it 🙂
Love ya
Ama
So much for me hitting the hay early, eh? lol I will try out this laughing thing… tomorrow, for sure. I’ll also check out that show. 🙂
GoodWoman, over and out.
Hi! Got an oar to spare? I’m all floating along with the current in my boat. o.o
Just gazing at the stars and falling snow. It’s nice sometimes, but it gets to be a lot worse if it’s raining or it’s hot out.
Hey! Sure, I’ve got an oar to spare. One question, though, if you’re a lobster… why do you need a boat?
By the way, I’m not a lobster. I’m a citrus fruit.
Oh, sorry, you’re a citrus fruit. So, erm, how do you plan to use the oar without any arms, or claws?
I’m going to use my citrusy, lobster magic. It’s also the recipe for a really kickass mixed drink. 😀
Hey GoodGirl,
Was just reading a comment from you and POOF…disappeared. hahaha
What the hell was that all about?
Love ya
Ama
Hey Ama, sorry for the delay, I was getting something to eat.
Yeah, they deleted the post, that’s why my comment disappeared. Well, everyone’s comments there. Erm, I dunno if I should talk about it here, haha.
How are you doing? I miss ya.
Hey GoodGirl,
There’s always email. hahahahahahahahahaha
Been gone a wee while myself…about 2 minutes before you got back. We really gotta work on this timing thing. I’m about knackered myself…thinking it’s gonna be an early one…was playing with my grandson Aiden today…soooo 😀
I caught part of it though…hahaha…enough to intrigue me
Love ya
Ama ps. did you know that AMA was an acronym for ask me anything? haha
Hey Ama, haha, alright, email it is. I was just about to close the screen when I thought I’d check one last time for ya.
Nope, I didn’t know ‘ama’ was an acronym for ask me anything. haha. I don’t know very many acronyms, tbh. 😉
If you’re going to hit the hay, I’ll say good night. I have a couple of things to do and then I’ll send you an email. :]
Love ya
Ooooh GoodGirl,
Did you give someone hell!!! I can’t wait for the email…hahaha 😛 Jk
What do you mean you don’t know very many acronyms…haha tbh is one now isn’t it?
I dunno…I’m getting veeeerrry sleepy…but I’m not tired. Does that make any sense? Maybe I’ll just have me some more mint chocolate chip ice cream… 😀
Love ya
Ama which is also an acronym for against medical advise…haha …that one works too!!!
Yeah, you’re gonna love this one. Might give you deja vu. But I don’t wanna say anymore; might get myself into trouble. O:] I was gonna say I think I’m turning into you, but we’re both INFJs, eh? 😀
Haha, I was joking… but not really. Btw, I really don’t know very many acronyms. Against medical advice, haha.
Yes, that makes sense. I was sleepy but not tired the other night. Or maybe it was the other way around. Hmmm..
Mint chocolate chip ice cream?! I’m jealous. I want some. Heeeey, are you trying to get back at me for the other day when I told you I had ice cream? I’m onto you… hahaha.
Oh Goody hahaha it wasn’t the PDD series was it? try to figure out that acronym. Speaking of deja vu….caught a comment today by one Lon3 Spartan…ring any bells? hahaha him and his .45
Would I try to get back at you for something that silly? hahaha I’m finishing with a smores poptart chaser…hahaha 😛
Love ya
Ama
Nope, it wasn’t the PDD series, hahaha. I’ll get to your email now. You might already be sleeping, but at least you’ll find out tomorrow. Yeah, I remember Lon3… he was on today??
Love ya, Ama.
Nope…not sleeping…waiting….yawn…haha
Seriously…watching Big Bang and waiting on the email…even though I still owe you one…hahaha
Yep Lon was on or atleast his evil twin was. haha
Love ya
Haha, alright, I’ll type it as fast as I can. Oh, I keep forgetting to tell you that I tried to watch the Neighbors, but I kept getting an error message on the video and then it just continually played adverts, so I gave up on it. Sigh. I could check the onDemand feature on my TV. It might be on there. Or maybe youtube.
No rush Kitten,
Really am ready to call it a night…haha I hope you can watch the show…perhaps there was too much demand…it is Friday night after all. 🙂
I got the little guy tomorrow…so I really should hit the hay. Gotta get up and get my floors washed for the third time this week. One day he’ll start walking…hahaha I actually took him for our first overnight on New Years Eve…and my sleep has been screwed up ever since….hahaha
Nite Nite…Don’t Let The Bed Bugs Bite
Love ya
Ama
I sent you… two emails. haha. :]
But I guess I’ll say night night, Ama, dear.
Hey GoodWoman,
I just wanted to let you know that I think you did right. 😀
Just remember I’ve dealt with these PDD”s myself…a new name is easy…just ask the Duke…..hahahaha
Oooooh I hope Miss you know who isn’t lurking….hahaha that would be too much deja vu woo hoo hoo hoo who knows…one day I’ll make a new enemy…hehehe
See…tired…very very tired
Nite Love
Thanks, Ama. 🙂 I think I did right too. But you can’t win ’em all, eh?
Haha, PDD’s. Yes, yes you have dealt with quite a few. You have lady balls. Seriously. Keeping your name and everything after all of them. 😉 Ah, I hope you don’t make new enemies. Maybe I’ll fill in for you in that department for a wee while. heh
Nite. <3