One thing after another, after another..

I’m 17 years old, and I have issues with being close to people and showing them too much trust, dropped out to support my best friend and I am planning to return to school this month.

 I’ve had a .. Tough life, not saying none of you guys have had simple lives but I’ve seen a lot considering my age

I’ve been living an adult life since I was young – looking out for my sisters, comforting both my parents in their time of need.. I’ve always been there for them to let them know the mistakes they made weren’t significant.

I know a lot about a lot of things, clearly not exceeding in education (dropped out in 2011) but a lot about life. It started back in grade eight when my life started to go downhill.

I fell in love with my best friend – even to this day I still believe that it wasn’t some 14 year old crush fake love bullshit. I still think of him more often than I should. Anyway, we had a falling out in grade nine. It’s so hard to go from seeing someone literally every single day for hours to … nothing. seeing them in the halls of school moving on with their life while I am there – just a pathetic friendless loser, just watching from a distance.

Watching him move on while I’m stuck thinking about him everyday.. every night was something i wouldnt wish on anyone. I finally was able to try to work up the courage to make new friends since our group of friends couldn’t work anymore. I met the wrong people.. stood up for the wrong person, walked into something I shouldn’t have.

I’ve lost thousands upon thousands of dollars trying to keep my new friendship stable. It started slow, telling him when someone talked behind his back, he took care of me.

He was the reason I first skipped a class.  But he had his own clique that I didn’t fit into, so I turned to the stoner group since they were the only people that seemed to tolerate me. I got high so many times, smoked.. Whatever it took to forget about my best friend, whatever it took to numb the pain I felt every single day.

I was experimenting with drinking and weed, I just wanted it all to vanish.

Eventually once junior high finished I was able to walk away from the drugs and alcohol, but the smoking stuck, even to this day. I can’t help it, it kills time, it makes me feel like I am getting closer to never needing to worry about life, and frankly I don’t care for other people’s opinions on the matter, it’s my body – my choice and I’m old enough to make the decision.

Plus it’s nice to.. Once in a while forget about everything and just stand outside and think peacefully.

During high school, I felt very embarrassed, so many  good looking teenagers and comparing to myself I felt I needed money to fit in. Applied at a few places which got me no where. My friend needed a few 20’s here and there but one day he came to me with this problem, needing three hundred dollars and I felt compelled to help, so I reached out to adults for assistance. An old teacher got me a job, and I got My friend his money to keep him out of trouble. We started hanging out more, and eventually the amounts he was needing mixed with the embarrassment of school I just dropped out. and began working full time.

I excelled rapidly. Hired at 15, swing manager by 16. After manager I finally felt confident enough to reach out to my old friend because my best friend was being too complicated with getting into trouble with friends and the law.

I thought about it for quite a while, and then one day his number just came to me. I just recalled what it was.

We were connecting, things were going back to normal! But then he got too, frustrated with things I was saying and I reached a breaking point and took the pain from the past I’ve been trying to forget for years and took it out on him. Told him to fuck off.

We stopped talking for a few more months and I contacted him again and apologized. We were doing great, talking often again.. But then something clicked in his mind that he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. He doesn’t need me anymore, I saw the signs but I just craved the past that I ignored them against my better judgment.

He used my visa – bought a few hundred worth of hats and shipped them to my house just to slap me in the face and I believe he changed his number. In finding this out I changed my card, took out cash and hid it in my dresser.

My close friend (from work , that i.Invited into my house) buddied up with my ex and together they stole the card while I was at work and on pay day took it all.

People I get close to fuck me over. That’s just the main story line, non including those small relationships and friendships .. The people I felt connected to, the people I put myself out for.. I’ve been contemplating suicide since I was 14. I just haven’t had the balls to go through with it. I go into work every single day and I leave that behind, I put a fake smile on, I walk in and instantly start making people smile.

If they are smiling, maybe they’ll like me. If they like me, maybe I won’t be alone every day. If I’m not alone everyday.. Maybe I can move on with my life.

But people tend to fuck me over. I mean my best friend right now is some immature fourteen year old who has no idea what life is about.

I have bills, debts, and people I’ve had to look out for. he hasn’t experienced anything and yet still acts like he’s better than me. But he’s the only person who calls me in the evening to see how I AM doing.

And that’s new, when I receive calls or texts – it’s always about work and them needing something work or money related.

When I used to give my number out at work, I thought it was so we could hang, getting my hopes up of making friends… Yet after a few small conversations about nothing, it becomes “hey can you book off // can you check when I work next”.

I feel like a complete idiot, I can’t even maintain a fucking friendship for gods sake. I had a better future when I was an infant, since then all I’ve been doing is going day by day. I can’t sleep, I barely eat, I don’t care about my inner body, I often catch myself when I’m alone just siting there in silence.

Disconnected from the world. At work I finally feel appreciated for my work but lately all that’s been happening is people nagging about it not being 100%.

And now it feels like the only safe place I can be is sitting at home writing about my shitty life.

I’ve pondered religion, in hopes of being saved but I can’t see that happening.

I’m living day by day. Masking the pain behind a really authentic fake smile and personality.