My Introduction…(First Post)

So, i’m new here and i’m just going to talk about who I am. I’m 14 years old and I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. Even when I was in primary school I had suicidal thoughts, but I thought that maybe things could get better. But they didn’t.
I nearly became eating disordered, I practically starved myself (apart from when I had lunch and dinner because my parents were around). I started getting those “you aren’t good enough to eat food, just stop” thoughts too.Despite having a lot of people around me, I feel so alone. I do self-harm, but not as much as I used to- I’m trying to recover.

These feelings make me feel like i’m going insane. No one seems to see what i’m going through. When my mum talks about depression and suicidal people, she makes it sound as if there is something seriously wrong with them, as if they are as bad as rapist-murders. I hate it.  My family is still around, but I don’t get along with them- I never have. I can’t tell anyone I actually know any of these things, because I know they would never look at me the same again. So many people have let me down in the past, that I can’t trust anyone- not my friends, or my family. So hopefully being here, I won’t feel as alone.

I hate school, so that probably doesn’t help. I feel as if practically everyone hates me, it feels as if they’re always waiting for me to give up on everything. I used to care so much about what they thought of me, that I would have to stop myself from crying. But what bothers me is that they know they’re hurting me, it’s the reaction they want. I refuse to break down in front of them.
Everyday, I can’t wait to get home, just so I can hide in my room alone and cry as much as I need to. Sometimes I just randomly start crying for no reason. The feeling just never goes away. There’s especially three girls that enjoy hurting me, but now I see that caring about what they think isn’t an option. At the end of the day, they are just three people that I won’t be stuck with forever. But at the end of the day, they are also part of the reason for my scars.

But right now, I’m still trying to make it through. Hopefully, the future will be better- no pain, no need to lie to the people I know about how I’m feeling. “Tomorrow holds such better days.” (Blink 182-Adam’s Song)