I don’t deserve to live ..

I am living a lie…. My whole life is a lie. I have told my family that I have the first position in school which I had but then I lost it now I am third and could tell them , they still think I am first, I went on an annual olympiad but I failed that too. I am a failure, my family really hates me that’s the only reason I couldn’t tell them I lost my position… And everytime I remember these and everything else I cut.. But nowi realized that I have no more skin to cut….. I am a mess.. I should die,, but I can’t die because my dad committed suicide and that hurt so much till now and I dont wanna hurt my family.. I Don’t eat anything bcz I feel that I don’t deserve to eat….. So please tell me a punishment I can give to myself… I want to punish myself soooo much hardly………….