Mom, can I die now?

One of the worst things in life is the inability to handle fear. It seems all or most of my life’s decisions were made out of fear and with no actual will. On autopilot. Nothing comes from within..cause there’s nothing inside but sadness, regret and tears that are pouring any time they feel like it.

And this damn fear that keeps me going. Fear of pain but not for myself, but for my family and especially my mom. Living for someone else. Suffering only so the other person won’t suffer. I really feel pain but I still care for my family too much. That’s why I’m here and still able to write. With no dreams, hopes, desires, passion or anything to look forward to I’m just on cruise control hoping that the fuel would run out soon.

I wish I could believe. In anything. God or whatever. But I couldn’t. Understating that there’s no god is sad cause then you realize that even if you wish really hard to disappear or to wake up dead you won’t. You need to take out the garbage yourself..but then fear pays you a visit. He doesn’t care that you suffer. He wants his part.

I hate people who think this world is beautiful. This world is hell on earth for some people, and the thing that really makes me feel bad is knowing that I’m still a lucky guy but yet I feel pain every day. Whoever said that this world is beautiful just didn’t open his eyes enough. I need to go and end this miserable life. Sometimes I wish I could try to kill myself in front of a hospital of something. Not so that someone will save me, but in order for them to still be able to use my organs for saving other people’s lives. People who deserve it so much more than me.
So mom..can I die now?