So we’re back to this now huh?
Blaming not only me this time, but your other two as well? As if WE were the reason you went out and cheated. WE are the reason she can’t trust you now. WE are the reason you are a pissed off fat ass alcoholic who’s never around. WE are the cause of YOUR financial errors.
So let me get this straight…you’re blaming a 23 year old, a 13 year old, and I’m baffled at this one: a 4 year old? A FUCKING 4 YEAR OLD??!?!?!
…I don’t even…
What the fuck. Seriously. What the fuck are you thinking? Are you seriously so fucking delusional that you’re blaming your failing marriage and inevitable bankruptcy on your own children? Fuck that.
Good job asshole. Not only am I cutting again, your son (who is already suffering the hell that is puberty and middle school) is showing signs of depression. Your youngest child has no idea what is really happening, all she knows is something is wrong, and starting to act out like she can’t emotionally handle what’s just been thrown her way. (BECAUSE SHE CAN’T) Your wife can’t trust you, she’s constantly in tears, and God know what else is running through her mind.
Of course, you aren’t the only one to blame. She did say the counselor told y’all it was our fault too. As an intern in counseling, I HIGHLY doubt those were the words, but apparently in her mind, that’s what the counselor said.
Which leads me to you, mother.
How many times is he going to cheat on you and treat you like shit for you to grow a fucking pair and leave? Oh sure its not physical abuse…but I fucking hated going through 18 years of both you bickering and the jealousy issues you so lovingly passed down to me…issues that I have long since gotten over but nearly destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me…but I digress. Your kids do not deserve this. Fucking leave him and grow the fuck up. Your oldest daughter should not be giving you advice on your marriage. Shouldn’t fucking work that way.
I know y’all don’t want to divorce for the kids…but, in my personal experience…they’d be way better off. Â You’re teaching your son that jealousy is healthy. Its okay to yell and argue all the time. Its okay to be unfaithful, get drunk and be out all hours of the night. You taught your daughter that the only way a relationship would work is if there was intense jealousy, because jealousy means you really love them. You keep on this path and that’s what you’ll be teaching the 4 year old too.
I just hope my brother is lucky enough to get out of that situation when he is old enough. I hope he is smart enough to realize that its not healthy to have these aspects in a relationship. I hope he’s lucky enough to find someone who loves him and puts up with his dysfunctions you two so ignorantly caused…Fuck, I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years and I still have issues. The difference with me is that I learned. He trusts me and understands me. I realized that jealous does not equal love. It equals unwarranted insecurity.
I made the decision to blog tonight to an anonymous audience. I fear that if I keep talking about all this to the love of my life I’ll push him away. But I have to wonder if that’s the insecure me thinking. My mother could never express how she felt. But all hell broke lose if she didn’t listen to his shit.
The last time I blogged here, I held strong resentment with regards to my father. Over the year, I learned to let go. With the help of my boyfriend and my best friend who couldn’t have returned to the city at a more perfect time, I stopped cutting. I started smiling again.
Hopefully with time I can be at peace with the current situation. But not right now. Not with them guilt tripping me. My father actually told me that if it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t be married. How’s that for a fucking guilt trip.
On Christmas, he called me at 630 in the morning telling me to come get my siblings and take them back to my grandparents where I’m currently living. Apparently the whore he was sleeping with showed up at the house. In his half drunk half sleeping pill paranoia, he thought she or her fiancee would come back and hurt my family. I was greeted with a rifle pointed at my legs. My own father was holding the fucking rifle at my legs. My brother was pissed beyond seeing red. My sister had a look of sheer terror. My mother looked numb. Luckily, our family friend was there just in time (apparently my father called him too) to calm his stupid ass down. That was the day the family fell apart. Merry fucking christmas. I hope my sister won’t remember it. I hope my brother can find a positive way to cope. He grew up that day. I…I don’t know what I became that day. Enraged? Upset? Betrayed? That doesn’t even begin to cover it…
Now you’re telling me its my fault? I know I’m a grown woman but, for you both to look me in the face and say “if you hadn’t been born, we would never be married…”
…That right there, is so monumentally fucked up that guilt trip can’t even begin to explain how that makes me feel.
As if I didn’t have enough shit on my plate to begin with…You just had to dig your claws in and say that. Congratulations. Parents of the fucking year.
Hurry up and divorce already. Quit trying to save something that isn’t there. You’re only making things worse.
If you’re still reading this, thank you. Its nice to know that even though I probably have no idea who you are, that you sat there and read this and listened to my story. It feels good to vent.
I should go to bed now. I plan on posting tomorrow as this story just continues to unravel
Good night SP. Try to hang on. It gets better…I think.