The last few posts were of True Stories. But this one, will be different. It’s what I’ve done and happened today. How I feel right now. And what’s going on.
Currently, I’m sitting on the edge of my couch. Law and Order SVU is on, about a Ryan and Rebecca Clifford. My teddy bear sits next to me. I’m listening to I’m Yours To Lose from Zeromancer. And I’m typing this (well, duh.) But a surprise. During the week of my man’s being with his girlfriend, he’s able to get on Skype. We’ve been talking for about an hour. It’s a good thing, because I was about to break down from being away from him. It’s like I’m addicted to this male. I can’t stop thinking of him. And when I don’t talk to him, I feel so much lonelier than I usually am. It hurts so badly.
This man is my drug. His virtual tongue is lingering. His voice is numbing. The thought of his gentle touch over my ribs and biceps just sends me into a blissful dream of sensual love and fresh romance. Hell, I’ll even take the forceful and very anger-induced grip on my waist and let it bring out the true thoughts I love to have. The fact that I’m turned on by minor acts of violence, gripping, biting, scratching to lightly bleed. Makes me want him that much more. But it’s all for love.
But I can’t say a word. A word out of line will make him turn on me. Not a ‘te amo’ or a ‘mi amor’. NOTHING. The fact I can’t tell him how much I love him, makes me so upset. Makes me tear up. The days without him make me spiral down into a depression that nearly causes me physical pain. I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to watch TV, I don’t want to eat or drink anything. I starve myself, expect for the 2 or 3 animal crackers probably 2 times a day, and a small sip of tea.
This is unhealthy I know. And doing this for a couple days or so doesn’t help it either. But I miss him so much. Talking with him now is making me hungry too. But there hasn’t been a day since I met him that I’ve been away. Every single day, since we met, I’ve been on, somehow, to talk to him. So I barely remember how to live without thinking or knowing love. Does it make me wrong, to almost NEED him everyday to have the will to eat? Does it make me wrong, knowing I won’t talk with him for another week before speaking with him like we used to. Wrong that I might not continue to eat until I can talk with him normally again? Not in fear of his girl seeing the stuff between us.
4 comments
If i know anything, its perpetual indifference. I’ve never cared about someone (except my mom) the way you do. Its almost like Im the opposite of you. You care about someone too much, and i don’t care at all. Both are just as bad. I do feel lonely most of the time, but ive never put my feelings into any one person before. So, in short, i have no idea what you’re going through, but remember, hes just a man. Hes made of flesh and blood, like everyone else.
Domino, you have to live for you man. Not anyone else. You have to make yourself happy before other people. It’s not being selfish, it’s just how the world works. And quite frankly it’s impossible the other way around man.
He’s with the girl because that’s what makes him happy. If it didn’t he’d be someplace else. You gotta do what makes you happy.
And maybe if you ate healthy, got a good range of vitamins in your diet, your mood would improve as well. It really helped me.
Men are flighty, especially men who love other men. It’s the major downside to loving them. It’s rare, but sometimes you’ll find one who wants to stay with you. If true love were easy to come by, it wouldn’t be so special.
@Sand_Dude- I know what you’re saying. The reason I met him is because I stayed online that one night to talk him out of suicide. And we just never left each other alone since then. He’s told me he’s leave her for me, and that’s the sad part. He can and is able to hide behind a computer screen, which bugs me so much. But I understand. I don’t know why I put my trust in him so much. But I did. I’m not saying your wrong, I’m just saying that my comfort zone is bound to him now, and it will take a long time to get it back.
I see where you’re coming from. It’s tough I know.
There’s a place inside your head, where nothing can touch you, nothing can get to you. You have to find that place and hold on to it. Make that your comfort zone, because that’s where it truly lies.
Everyone you meet will eventually have to separate from you at some point. If you take comfort in your self, you’ll never rely on anyone else for that.
I hope that inspired you a bit. Hang in there buddy, it’s the dawning of a new age, and you should be around to see it. 😉
You could also skype me if you felt like it
aum.mani