I don’t know what to do. Here is my story in a nutshell:
I dated the love of my life starting in 1996. She was made for me. We were in sync from the start. I grew more and more attached the more I tried keeping her at bay. I ended up loving her more than anything I could imagine.
I met her during our Minnesota State Fair in August of 1996. She was fascinating and I made her laugh. The stars were aligned when I was late to meet up with her the next day. However, things worked out. We were teenagers in love. Every weekend we stayed with one another. we went on vacation with each other and our families. We ended up going to college together and that was the beginning of our end. I cheated on her and I don’t know why. Looking back, I have no clue as to why I did that. Things happened, we were growing apart slowly. Each little rip contributed to our end. Ultimately, she broke up with me. I didn’t see it coming. We had just spent a great weekend together away from everyone and everything that was a stressor to us. The decision had been made. I was left alone and I didn’t know what to do. I fought each day not to put that gun to my head and end my pain. Something told me that tomorrow would bring another story line. Tomorrow would bring another chance to redeem myself. Tomorrow would be better.
Over the next couple years we would see each other periodically (sp?). I saw her at a bar in my hometown and she grabbed me and kissed me. She held me like she used to. She was excited to see me. I didn’t pursue anything becuase I thought that she had been drinking and I didn’t want to interrupt her and her friends. When she had moved to another state to a big city, I visited when I was there. We had a great time. She hugged me again like she had missed me to no end. There were other talks and messages along the way. We met up for dinner at a local Olive Garden. We talked and talked when she finally said,”You need to help me. I can’t date anyone, because everyone I meet I compare to you.”  At that point, I wanted to reach across the table, grab her, kiss her and tell her to give me another chance, tell her how much I needed her in my life and how I would sacrafice my whole being for her. But, again, I let it slide. I looked at her and saw something different. I saw the hurt. I saw my best friend in a different light. I let her go.
She met someone. She is happy. She is now married with a child. All within 4 years. Me… I’m left to my own demons. There is no one in this world I want more than her. Yet, there is no one in this world that is farther away from me. I regress everday. I feel that black cloud following me and looming over me. I fight my fights and I put up the best defense I can. I know that soon, that dark cloud will overcome me. I know that it is a matter of time before I am consumed by the demons that haunt me. It is a matter of time before I am dragged out of this world into another. It is a matter of time before I end it. I scare myself with these thoughts and at the same time, the thoughts are calming.  To tell you the truth, I don’t know which is scarier.
I have no clue as to what to do. I thought I was getting better and then, within a year, I have gone back to where I was in November of 2002. I hope my family and friends forgive me. I hope they understand… or at least give me the benefit of the doubt.  I can not fight this fight much longer. I know I am losing. I love her with all my heart. I love her with every breath I take. And, soon, I will love her with my final squeeze of the trigger. I feel it is better to die loving than to die hating. I have envisioned the end.
I love you Kristi K. I always have and I always will. I’m sorry for the way I acted, the way I treated you, the things I said and for everything you don’t know about. You will be the last thought I have. You are my best friend that I fell in love with every single day.  I love you more than I could have ever loved the game of basketball. I wish you nothing but happiness in the future. I will miss you like I have for the past 10 years. I hope you have your life you always wished for. Including a a Three Quarter horse, pygmy goats, plenty of land and a nice house. You are my “Sweetheart” and I will forever be your “Bigs”.
I’m so sorry…
Nick
7 comments
Your story made me cry. I’m so sorry for your suffering 🙁
Don’t be sorry, SadBk. I’m sorry enough. If you ever feel down, re-read my story. I have fought for the last 10 years. I do not know how much longer it will last, but know that you can fight to make yourself happy. I let my guard down. Now, I am losing my own struggle.
This is so beautiful and sad…
Wish I could say that there is always another person,
that there’s no *one true love*
but sometimes, you just can’t get over things like this…
no matter who you meet, there is always one big hole after someone like that…
might never find someone like her again, but you can at least stay alive for her!
you would be doing her great harm if she’d ever found out about how you actually felt and what you eventually did… for her…
she’d blame herself and I don’t believe you want that, considering how you feel about her…
If you need her, just try to keep her in your life. As a friend.
Might be hard, but if you truly love her, it’s a better option than suicide
Don’t give up!
I used to believe that myself, that there is no such thing as “one true love”. I found that to be false. She loved me for who I was. All my pros and all my cons. You say,”…but you can at least stay alive for her!” and I ask you,”Why”? She doesn’t care about me. We haven’t talked in years. If I die, I don’t think it would mean anything to her. She has her family. She has her life. I am not a part of any of those. We aren’t friends. We haven’t talked in so long that I wonder sometimes if she even recalls dating me? if she recalls what she used to tell me? if she has even thought about me in the past 5 years? Why the hell would she care about me? I relate a lot of who I am to song. So, do me a favor and listen to the group Blue October’s song “Still Broken”. That’s me. Also, mixed in with some Coldplay’s “The Scientist”. I just wanna go back to the beginning. That is all. I want a chance to redeem myself. There is also a part in Tupac’s song “Thugz Mansion”. He says,”…it’s hard to carry on when no one loves you.” what I have found for me is that there are always those who have to care (i.e. immediate family, best friends, etc.) but those you WANT to love you that do not… that’s when it is hard. That’s when it is hard to carry on. That is me. And, trust me, I do truly love her. I love her with everything that I am. But, there are some fights just not worth fighting. This is quickly becoming just that. I appreciate your comments. But, please… try to understand. Some people are just not meant to last on this Earth.
Your story is so Sad!!! When you lose someone like that your whole world falls apart, you will always be searching for what you lost and somehow you can not replace it, because they are that special. To feel that much passion for someone sound very romantic and tragic at the same time. Nothing hurts more than the loss of a great love.
Do you think you can love someone ever again? I don’t mean the same way you love Kristi but just enough to be content with life. Do you think you can care for some one again? There might be hope..
It is sad, yes. However, I had a huge part in what happened to us. I accept my responsiblity in this. My guilt is what eats me alive. I do compare the other women to Kristi. And, time and time again, they do not stack up. I know that I will never love someone like I loved her. She will always hold my heart. Even if she and I aren’t together. I honestly don’t think I will be around long enough to marry anyone. Sad to say, but reality is reality.
I have loved another since Kristi and I broke up. She is very sweet and very caring. Scary to say, but she is a lot like Kristi. I don’t know if I did that on purpose or if it was just by chance. But, I will never love her like I love Kristi. I let Kristi in completely. I let her have a piece of my soul. I made her a part of me. I will never let another do that. I will never be content with another.
I care for a lot of people. I have a very active protective side. Being in bodybuilding and coming from a boxing background mixed with my Italian heritage, I’m destined to be fired up about those I love. However, I am also prone to go to the grave for what I believe in. I love Kristi. I hate myself. I will fight to the end. When the end will be? I can’t say. But, I know I’m losing ground. I’m trying to make peace with everyone in my life that matters. My nieces will be the hardest to have understand. 2 of them are too young to understand. The oldest won’t know exactly, but will figure it out first. That does not mean I do not love them.
*hugs*
P.S. I loooooooooove “The Scientist” too