Everyone has a story, and mine ain’t special. I’m 35, married (second time), I’ve been a cutter since I was about 12. I’m scared. I dont wanna die but I cant see how life can be much more than a series of disappointments. Yes, life is what you make it, silver linings and puppy-dog tails and all those other inspirational poster saying I could’nt give a shit less about. Yes, I’m abrasive. You’ve been warned.
I dont know what to do or where to start. I guess at the core of the matter: I literally hate myself. I’m that guy who shows up at the right time to joke or brighten the mood (seriously) in fact, I’m a stand-up comic. It has been my sense of humor that has really helped me get through these times before. I dont really have that anymore. I smoke pot (have for a while) and rescently accepted the fact that I’m self-medicating, and not just smoking recreationaly. This causes issues with my wife, who I’ve lied to about it before, and during x-mas in particular, I’m reminded of what a piece of shit I am (in part because of that.) X-mas is a foul season for me. Everyone expects me to be happy and joyous or religious (I’m polytheist, so I am religious btw), and the general focus of the holiday for me is to spend money we dont have on presents that wont be appreciated and to maybe make it through another year without opening a vein. It’s been like that as long as I can remember (x-mas having always been a pain in the ass when I was a kid.) My real father and mom divorced when I was 5, I did’nt hear from him again untill I was 12. Step-father hated me (he’s said so many times) and my mother spending alotta time running interferance between he and I (read: taking the abuse for me. Yes, I know if I was stronger, she would’nt have had to go through that. I own that guilt too.) As I grew older, fast sex was love to me (the only kind I could actually get). Like I said, I’m nothing special.
The thing is, I have alotta self-hatred and anger. I feel too strongly, if you know what I mean. I cant be angry at anyone else, cause they cant take it. Besides, life is what we make it, and I dont have the right to burden anyone else with the shit I’m obligated to handle. This is why I’m writing this to a bunch of random people whom have no pretense of reason to give a f**k about me.
I hurt. Emotionally, physically. I dont really want to die, but I dont want to face one more day of living some lie, acting like I actually like myself, like everything’s okay, like I’m not poison. I cant take anymore pain.
Another reason I’m babbling my useless feelings to y’all is that I cant afford a doctor and refuse to be manipulated by a priest. My friends are sick of me, and my family avoids me, as I no longer have the humor to solve thier f*cking problems anymore. I dont have the luxury of thinking about myself, but nobody else gives a f*ck either. I’m not a priority.
I used to feel like “Oh, if I killed myself, they’d all feel bad” but I’m older now, and I just want to stop hurting sometimes. I dont care how they’d feel, I dont even want to be happy, I just wanna stop hurting. Sorry, that’s all I have, thank you.
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I’m hesitant to post comments here because I would hate to be the catalyst or the influencing factor, but I feel you. Why were humans born into lives with such guilt, such pain? Was it so that we could appreciate the good moments too? What if said moments never exist?
Ugh. Just a little longer. I’ll endure this another day. I’m actually scared because I’ve lost the fear to commit suicide. I’ve gathered what I need to do it, and I’m just giving myself time now. I used to think I was just trying to be unique or stand out, but coming to this site, no one here is special, and many people are in the same boat. I tried calling my best friend today and opened up to her, but she hung up within 2 minutes after hearing I was depressed. She knew I was about to unload some emotional baggage and she wanted nothing to do with it. That’s another ‘best friend’ I tried to open up to and alienated. I know it’s not their job to shoulder this responsibility, but even on my worst day I woulda been there for her, to talk her down if she needed it. Even if it was the day I decided to off myself.
Guess you really can’t depend on the love of others.
Isaiah 2:22
Daniel,First offdont worry about being a catalyst factor towards my suicide. Honestly (no offense) but I dont know you well enough for your opinion to kill me. That said, I hear ya. You cant really depend on the love of others. That’s probably why it’s so nice when that love occassionally does show up. I have a couple friends like that myself. You can rarely trust the “happy people” (or as I think of them, the “normals”) to have any understanding of true pain, or any motivation other than brownie-points for god, to help someone who may not survive themselves. So you get people like me; fucked-up, pot-headed careless thoughtless jerks who only recognize pain and hurt. Sorry, but hey… at least I’m here 🙂
@ Niki: you mean: “Stop trusting man. He can’t help you.
He only lives for a little while.
What good is he?”
I’m not sure where you’re going with that, outside of “hey everyone, just trust god and your life will be f*ckin perfect!” Which I assume you’re not saying since you’re here too. So clarify please 🙂
@BrokenDevil: you are correct.
I myself am an ex-Christian turned into an agnostic,
But now after more thorough observations, deep searchings and personal experiences, I’ve come into a conclusion that maybe it’s my ATTITUDE toward religion (in my particular case, a Christianity) that was all wrong all this time.
Men are simply fallible and they err.
That verse now when I actually just happened to open my Bible again recenty (with a newer and more “full-rounded” and “mature” attitude and perspective after all those times of searchings) still speaks the Truth, in that you simply just can’t depend 100% on Other or anyone else, to “save” your life.
That said, I know very well too what u mean by “trust God also does NOT make ur life perfect”.
Well, that’s also exactly the truth: it isn’t and it won’t.
I won’t go preachy here because it’s never my intention, but even in story of Jesus, it’s full of sufferings and pain until He died.
I think I can therefore agree with religions’ message (not only Christianity) that we are ‘fallen’ (nobody is perfect), yet we NEED to correct our ways to be BETTER.
Now this latter point actually goes deeper than ‘religions’, in that I personally believe that there are still GOODness in each humankind. People generally want or constantly strive for a BETTER life, or condition. I think it’s also part of our evolutionary natural instinct, and it IS also an evolution by itself, ie: humankind DOES strive to get better in each generation, for example: the abolishment of slavery, equal rights and freedoms, re-inventing of the System, people’s power, constant striving for discovery and inventions in technology like in medicines, and Internet, all essentially to make our life or for future generations BETTER.
So what I’m trying to say is probably this:
Don’t try or expect too-much or worse 100% on Other or anyone to “save” you.
No matter how dire or bleak ur life circumstances is, it is still YOU, who have much and most control of how you can fix your life situation. In other words, you CREATE ur own solution.
But having that said, also have some *hopes* that we are all now learning even faster and can ‘connect’ much faster (thanks to technology), and it means there are BETTER conditions of life, and also there are still GOOD people wanting to connect and learn and share and help you and each other out. So try to find and connect with them, to grow even stronger, but again always keep in mind that they’re still just humans and thus fallible and not perfect and can err/make mistake.
If you can accept these, then it might change your mindset and even thus perhaps your life, to be more “whole” and peaceful, instead of having wrong unrealistic unhealthy expectations that can cause more unnecessary stresses and frustrations even depressions.
It’s all about balance, and achieving it in this life.