The following are typical feelings or behaviors and beliefs I have and have lived with daily : (i will keep it relatively condensed and in no particular order);.
I am physically a caucasion(white) 18 year old female i consider myself to be very attractive and i am told that i am. i used to have troubles believing that i am beautiful but now i am starting to see it. i also have realised dispite my struggles specificly acedemically i have come to know i actually am breath takingly intullectual.i have an interest in boys and from a glance i look to be a normal average typical teen girl. unfortunately much of that i struggle to grasp even a glimpse.
I currently have one close friend although we havent been talking at the moment which i am a little anxious about. anyway here are some of the feelings i have and some still go through today;
Racing thoughts, guilt feelings easily distracted anxiety irrational thoughhts and beliefconfusion difficulty making decisions, lack of satisfaction in what others would find satisfying. Paranoia, sleep problems difficulty with reading comprehension despite strong grammar and writing skills. Poor hand ready difficulty reading own mind. Difficulty expressing self , poor eye contact, poor printing poor coordination. Easily startled
, oversensitive difficulty with daily routines that others would find easy such as setting daily goals. getting ready for the day i take an excessive time doing things ie makeup a specific way.
overanalyzing thoughts with a tendancy to.get.lost in them and “blank out”.
i have been told that i am hard to ‘read’.
i have troubles relating to peopl. i have fear of expressing my opinions. I have odd behaviors such as rubbing my eyes or ‘hiding’ when speaking to parents. my speech; triubles with word fluency , speaking clearly, people often have to say pardin me for clarification. i used to be mute when i was in school all till grade 11 when i dropped out. i would generrally only speak few words when spoken to. I was thought of as a polite, very shy,abnormally quiet, even odd girl. that few people knew more about.
stubborn, black or white thinking, i still believe i am beong ‘watched’ . i have bizarre thinking that i cant explain find it very hard to experience pleasure if i do it feels very brief and ‘artificial’ and ‘lame’. i have spent my whole childhood bottling up these feelings being ashamed.of them and fear that things would get worse if i sought help.
I was and still am to a certain extebt convinced i am the only one in the world perhaps universe who feels has these particular feelings. I tend to avoid uncomfortable situations, (understandable) I have always felt overstimulated in this already overwhelming enough world. i have always asked for very little as i have never had many material desires. i only wished to be normal and happy. I have always felt disconnected from everyone else as though i am inferior to them resulting in my lonliness and isolation. I get obsessive thoughts that seem to go through “phases” they seem to go from one obsession to the next, such as a fatuation with time or pornography and at first i was disturbed by it now ot is though i am desensitiEd to it.
pardon my grammar i am in a cellphone. atm. anymore more of what i go through .
one of the most prominent feelings that has handicapped me is GUILT. i am always flooded with irrational feelings of guilt and feelings that i am undeserving of love, joy, happiness, peace, basic human needs, rationally i know that i do deserve these necessities but the paranoid thoughts keep popping into my head uncontrollably saying “what are you doing?!” “you are doing everything wrong, “you dont deserve to be praised” “you are unworthy toiu are aad person. where do these fewlings come from… i will continue this