Hi guys!
So I’m sure a lot of you on here probably won’t read this (or even bother to) but that’s okay because I just want to share my story with everyone, and hopefully save a few lives 🙂
Growing up, I’ve always had a good life, or at least that’s what I believed. I’ve never had to worry about money or my health, although I am overweight, I don’t feel it’s life threatening or something to be extremely concerned with. Of course when middle school started, everything changed.
Middle school was a rough time for everyone. We’re all at the phase where we’re trying to fit in and feel “belonged” and it’s also the phase in life where we start to see everybody’s true colors. As I’ve mentioned earlier, I believe that my family was “well off.” Yeah, sure, we aren’t “rich” but what matters is that we have enough to survive and be happy. Anyways, because of this, I started to gain many friends. I believed they were all my close friends that deeply cared about me. Wrong. I was basically backstabbed and used to the point where I’ve developed trust issues.
We live in a world, were most people are governed, or driven by, the want for money. Money and status. As a kid, my parents have always been pushing me to the limit. “Get straight A’s. Play sports for 3 hours a day, everyday” yadda yadda yadda, the list goes on and on. The point is, is that I’ve always been trying to live up to people’s, or rather my parent’s, expectations; to be that “perfect child” that they want. My older sister has already accomplished their goals and dreams, so it was my time to do the same.
One day, when I was in 7th grade (I was about 12 years old) I didn’t meet my mother’s standards when it came to tennis. I was having a bad day, I had a blister on my toe, I was playing with a new racquet, again, the list of excuses goes on and on, but point blank, I didn’t perform well enough for her. My mother decided that I deserved to be punished by running the 3-5 mile distance between my academy and my house back at around 9 pm. It was extremely dark and cold, and I was constantly falling on my hands and knees, scraping them more than a few times. I remember crying and screaming her name, calling out to her “mom! mom I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me, please. I’m sorry.” The memory is just as clear to me as if I just experienced this yesterday. Everytime I think about it, I cry. Of course when I got home, I was beaten and cursed at, and basically I was made to feel unwanted. This lead me to develop an abandonment trauma. I can’t share enough stories about how this has made my life miserable and how my life has changed from then on.
I have another blog written that ties into this through my trauma. On that blog, however, it expresses how betrayed I felt because of a certain friend of mine named “Tiffany.” Unfortunately, what I’ve learned, is that it wasn’t her that ruined my life, it was someone even closer to me. Basically, to make a long story short, another friend that I regarded as my all time best friend, set us both up, pinning each other against the other, but she’s been doing things behind my back, and still had the nerve to be act as if she was my best friend to my face. Of course she was using me; constantly asking for rides, for me to pay for her, to pick her up an hour away from where I live because she decided to do something I’m completely against and lie to my face about it, and she was the one that turned all my friends against me. That day, I truly felt abandoned, unwanted, and that I should just go die.
It’s thanks to this site, that I was able to regain my courage and strength to continue moving forward. Yeah, it may seem like my story is pathetic and nothing dramatic happened, but to me it is. Everybody has their own perception of certain events and opinions on certain situations, but by learning from it, is what makes us strong. To this day, I still hold hatred for my own mother. It’s more predominant in the mornings for some odd reason, but later at night I find myself being able to socialize with her. Point is, I just want everyone to know that there still is hope 🙂 When it seems like everything is going wrong and there’s no more reason to continue living, just keep in mind, that there is a reason. Whether it’s something as small as wanted to finish a certain show or something bigger like living for the sake of a person, everybody deserves to live.
Wow, I just rambled on and on. I’m sure nobody will read this entire thing, but what’s important is to understand that there is still hope to live and to never give up 🙂 Oh and by the way, yes I did cut myself back in 8th grade, and yes I have attempted suicide. So to everyone out there that feels like giving up: Hold your head up high 😀 Good things will always happen to those that need it and those that are patient. If any of you need to talk to someone, I’m here 🙂 I’m currently studying to be a therapist because I want to help those in need. I really do hope I’ve helped someone by writing this blog. Be safe everyone <3
2 comments
It is a great goal – to be a therapist, I hope one day you’ll be able to help many people. I believe that during the moment of feeling suicidal, no matter how severe our issues – the feeling is the same although I still believe that there is a huge difference in between people who lose it in the heat of the moment and those that generally don’t feel any pleasure in anything. There is of course hope…hope in the face of what we do, not what we believe in – it would just be great if this world in general would be a better place. I, for example, could be perfectly happy if I just pull myself together, but the problem is that I cannot close my eye to so much shit that is going on all around the world…It is almost like people are blind, the big concern is money and career and for that people sacrifice everything – love, family, you name it…I wish someone would answer some God Damn questions…So yes honey, there is hope…of course there is…for you, for me, for many people…but don’t we all deserve hope? Some people literally can’t afford that, people in war zones, third world countries…the impossible would be great: all the people in this world joining their hands for peace and helping one another!
Unfortunately, we can only answer the questions we seek ourselves. Some people’s (or rather most’s) attitude sickens me. This world is so corrupt, yet we’re the ones that caused the problems. Just like in our lives; we’re the ones that cause our own stress and problems and we have to find a way ourselves to solve it. Of course you can reach out for help when you need it, but you can’t be too dependent on others (I learned that the hard way). Thank you for your comment and for taking the time out of your day to read this 🙂 I wish you the best of luck in your life and I hope you’re able to achieve everything you desire~