I hate that I’m here again. But I’m bursting with frustration and anger and need to let it out somehow and here even if nobody listens it feels like SOMEONE might hear.
My brother’s been my mom’s favourite kid for as long as I can remember. Even though he’s the lazy 15 year old years behind in school, jobless, and lies to get out of everything, as well as giving half my family the silent treatment for the last six months. He’s snaps and gets sullen about the littlest thing and then I get yelled at. Or I tell my other brother not to smash cups (yeah he was literally smashing cups to try and “fit” one between two in the dishwasher), I get yelled at. My sister makes one too many sarcastic, moronic comments and I respond, I get yelled at.
They complain about how I always stay in my room and don’t socialize with them. They complain about me all the time. My mom gives me the silence treatment, rolls her eyes at me, makes everyone mad at me. I don’t even care at this point if she cares. I know she doesn’t. She knew I was suicidal in the summer and did NOTHING. I was clear. She did absolutely nothing. She said we’d get a councellor in September. Cause you know, two months is no time for a suicidal person, right? And then September came and nothing. She knows I cut and she doesn’t say anything. So it’s not like I can fool myself into thinking she cares. But I wish she could just act like a grown up.
This year’s been hard, I’ve grown up. Despite the suicide stuff and all that I’ve kept a 94.5% average and been responsible. I’ve acted like a grown up. But not only does she treat me like a child, she doesn’t even have the maturity to do it acting like an adult herself. Instead she resorts to five year old tactics of silent treatment, rolling eyes, and glares.
I used to think that I wished she knew that she’s killing me. But now she does. And she doesn’t even care.
Apparently I’m impossible to live with. You know, when I do my chores, do all my school/homework, maintain friendships, and don’t complain about the fact that they moved me an hour away from my friends. I keep quiet when I’m going insane. I don’t do anything to bug her. I spent yesterday driving her around despite the fact that I had tons of school.
I so tired of this crap. I want to cut, or kick another hole in my wall. But since I haven’t even figured out how to fix the old one yet, that’s not wise. Neither is cutting.
I hate this stupid place.
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4 comments
Forgive me if I have missed this – how old are you? How much more time do you have left to do with these folks? Self-harm aside, what’s your ideal exit strategy? Do you want to go on to college, move out, explore the world and do jobs that are interesting to you?
17. Seven months assuming I get into university. I want to be a lawyer, marry my boyfriend. I’ll be ok when I get out. Just feels like seven months is a long time, even though I know rationally it’s not.
I somehow(weirdly) can relate to this;
Just know that you and your brother are different persons, and different persons have different “instruction manuals”. Not trying to offend you but to me it seems like your brother has some kind of disorder, and that just requires that he is treated in a different way. He cant help it, and neither can you or any of your family, and it is hard for any of you to handle it, but also for him.
As for your mother knowing of your problems. Just try to find yourself in the position where your daughter has this. Personally, I would be scared, feel helpless and do not know what to do. I am sure your mom feels the same way.
He honestly doesn’t… my other brother does legitimately have problems – ADD and neurological problems as well as tons of behaviour issues. But this brother is just a sullen teenager who knows he can get away with crap cause my mom likes him best. 😛
And as much as I do get that, it’s been eight months and she’s done nothing. She has no problem treating my brother like an angel, she just dislikes me.