I don’t know exactly where I should start. This story isn’t happy, it isn’t interesting, it’s just mine. I’m 15 years old right now and barely hanging on. Every day I get closer and closer to ending it all, every day I feel like I’m about to collapse from sadness. I don’t see much reason to go on any longer.
I don’t know exactly how long I’ve been depressed, but it’s always been part of my life. Depression has lurked in my mind since I was young. I would be 6/7 and complain about the fact I want to kill myself and my mother would call me weak. Saying that it will get better and I just have to power through it. Unfortunately, it’s getting and has become oh so much worse.
All my life I’ve been treated as though I’m less than human. In grade school I was that awkward, overweight girl with 0 confidence that would sit in the corner and pray nobody noticed me. I would get picked on, thrown to the ground after school, anything you could imagine. The insults were endless. I was not an attractive child. I’ve always looked 3 years older then I actually am and when you add being overweight into that equation, there’s no good result. I would get home and cry. Sometimes my mom would notice, most of the time she wouldn’t or would be preoccupied with something else. Up until grade 9, I was always that kid who everyone had fun making fun of. I was always that kid who just didn’t belong.
Everything changed in Grade 9, but not for the better. I was suddenly popular and people liked me, but the monster of depression still lurked. I pulled good grades and appeared seemingly stable. But I’d still go home and cry. I’d go home and feel numb. I’d hurt myself just to subside the extreme pain for just a minute. I was praying I would die. That I wouldn’t have to do it myself. I attempted twice in grade 9. I just didn’t want to live anymore.
I’ve had my fair share of hurt in there too. Of trust that was put into someone and shattered. I was a very trusting person, still am. And unfortunately, it’s led to my internal destruction. I could go on for hours about all the horrible, devastating things that have happened to me, but whoever is reading this probably doesn’t care all that much, so I’ll just go over a few examples..
The trigger of my severe depression was an asshole I’ll name T. I’d fucked around with many, many guys on the internet before him, but T was different. He consistently made me feel wonderful and actually made me believe I was special and meant something to him in his life. I loved him. Unfortunately, the feeling wasn’t shared and he randomly dropped me the night after I orgasmed on webcam for him. The night I let him into my heart vulnerably, the eve of my Birthday, he dropped me like I meant nothing to him. It tore my apart.
And then there’s Michael. Michael hit me raw. Michael came into my life Aug 2011. Right after Taylor. I was vulnerable, so I let him in. We “dated†and then someone else came into my real life so I told him I couldn’t date him anymore and we ended things, but agreed to stay really close friends. And so, we did just that. My depression fluctuated, his was on a neverending downward spiral. Every single day he would ask for my permission to die. Every single day he would beg me to let him to end things. Eventually I caved. I was left devastated. I had lost my other half in the world. I had lost the only person who actually seemed to understand my depression. Then the truth hit.
One day I logged onto my other Facebook account to check something and I saw facebook posts from him, alive. I flipped out. I texted him and he told me that it was my fault and I was so straining on him he had to fake his own death to get away from me. I told him he deserved to die for what he did and never to talk to me again, not realizing that that is what was the ending trigger to his life. He ACTUALLY committed suicide in September of 2013. 3 months after he had told me he was going to do it.
Now that haunts me everyday. I can’t look in the mirror anymore and whenever I see something sharp I want to scrape it across my skin. I’m a failure. I deserve to die. Every day is a struggle. I don’t know how much longer I can take of this. I’m anorexic, bipolar, and so extremely depressed. And the worst part? Nobody cares enough to notice.
2 comments
We are never responsible for someone else’s actions. Michael made his own choice. Nothing you said could change that fact. We all make our own choices, and it’s only depression that makes you believe that his death is your fault.
Losing him, though, is a completely separate matter. You have to grieve, that’s normal. Feeling tremendously sad over his death is normal. That sadness will hurt — a lot — and that’s normal, too. But no feeling lasts forever. They pass. It seems like it will never stop, but that too is just a lie your depression tells you. It will pass.
On top of that, no person is every your reason for living, or dying. Or rather, there is only one person who is, and that is you. Your experiences, memories, successes, and even your failures will become your reason for living. People may enter or leave your life, but you continue. Keep your attention on the only permanent thing in any life — yourself.
You’re probably sick of hearing that you’re too young for this or the other, but consider this. At fifteen you haven’t had enough time really to succeed at anything major in life; how could you be a failure? You haven’t had enough time to experience enough of life to know for sure if it’s worth living. You already know that it can change dramatically, since it’s done that once before already. Nearly all adults I know, even the ones who were supposedly “popular,” say that school sucked. It does suck. But they also say that things got much, much better after they left high school. They really do. Wait at least until a year after you leave high school, and re-evaluate your life then. You may see a completely different world.
you need to accept the fact that you were not responsible for what he did you didnt even know everything he was going through so baby please dont blame yourself it was not your fault and dont say baby that you should die
i know you deserve good things in life and you too deserve happiness
michael made a mistake and may be all wants now is you to be alive and fight with all those who try to put you down
baby try to take care of yourself