I hate this emotion. I hate it because it’s what’s keeping me alive.
I wanna die, I really do…but I’m afraid of death.
Hopefully, one day, the pain will outweigh the fear so I can finally die.
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The pain the fear and the guilt. The most human emotions.
Fear is the psyche call to take notice to something that it senses as threatening
Fear tends to be instinctual, reactive, a threat to our physical safety but also to our sense of self.
The fear of the self that is not being realized And OR the fear for the self that is being realized
We fear being stuck and being unstuck!
Fight, flight or freeze
The longing for death is to freeze, here you do not fight and you do not run; you are stuck.
Being frozen you don’t feel and defrosting is very painful as all the nerve endings are on fire.
So on the one hand being frozen keeps you physically alive but stuck as the inner self dies. You remain alive but long for death.
Until you take notice of what it is that requires your attention you will remain a deer caught in the head lights. You will remain frozen the fear is not of dying but the fear of feeling the pain of living.
We fear because we do not know. We do not like to associate ourselves with fear. This is the intellectual response. In the natural world fear is instilled by events that could bring about our destruction. It is a part if the animal makeup to protect itself from failure. But know this, if you are afraid then you are not ready. There is still hope left. Whether it is your body pleading against your fantasy or your mind searching for a solution, whatever it is you are not ready.
You’re right…I’m not ready, yet.
My brain wants me to die, but the rest of me wants me to live. There’s a war going on inside of me and I’m just waiting to see which side wins.