Hello,
This is my first time to post..I have come to this site off and on for a few months. I have suicide Id. , depression, PTSD. I go to counseling and take my meds. I read a butt load of self help books, etc. And still today, I have the thoughts and play the pictures over and over in my mind. I swear so many times if I could own a gun. I know there are people that have it and had it way worse than me…thats one of the reasons I stay angry at myself. I which the meds. would help. But the doc. do listen. But then if I told everything that goes on in my thoughts. I would end up back in the hospital. And I will die before I go back to a hell hole like that. I can be having a few days or even a week of goood days. Everything going well, I have my own apt. , good job., people that care about me. etc. So why in the F.. do I still feel this way..I picture myself just walking out in front of a big truck, so saving up my meds,. I have read the peaceful pill….but don’t think I could hook all that shit up right. then end up being a burden on people the rest of my life. If I knew I could make it successful I would go ahead. This is what goes on in my head just about everyday, sometimes all day.
2 comments
“That’s one of the reasons I stay angry at myselfâ€
Within our writings we can usually find a truth if we look closely. “I stay angry at myself†sounds like a self imposed jail sentence. As a recovering angry man who also directed that anger inward (because it was safer) I know how exhausting that can be.
It takes a lot of work to over come anger. Counseling and self help books help but only if we put in practice what we learn. For a time I fell into the trap of being a self help, philosophy, physiology, sociology, theology junkie in my search for answers. My search for self improvement became a crutch.
In the end I realized that all the books, all the theories, all the ‘ologies’ are saying the same thing – Using different language, symbols metaphors, stories but the same thing.
Life is a cycle and that cycle is the Life, Death, Life cycle, for something to arrive something must pass. Becoming the person we sense we might be requires allot of “self” dying. And pycological dying is painful. (Which is why some would rather die physically – note how many people who post on this site long to die but don’t want to experience any pain. That is the key truth in their writings if they could see. What keeps them stuck in their soul pain is their fear of pain.)
To live well a person must learn to “die” well.
Life requires that we let go of every movement that we experience so the next moment arrives. The irony being that the next moment is going to arrive anyway so holding on to a moment, expectation, hope, desire will only lead to pain. It’s understandable that we get angry.
Learn to let go and you will be able to stop replaying those old stories that keep getting in your way.
“Memory is time folding back on itself. To remember is to disengage from the present.
In order to reach any success in automobile racing, a driver must never remember.
Which is why drivers compulsively record their every move, their every race, with cockpit cameras, in-car video, data mapping; a driver cannot be a witness to his own greatness.
This is what Danny says. He says racing is doing. It is being a part of a moment and being aware of nothing else but that moment. Reflection must come at a later time. The great champion Julian Sabella Rosa has said: “When I am racing, my mind and my body are working so quickly and so well together, I must be sure not to think, or else I will definitely make a mistake.â€
― Garth Stein, The Art of Racing in the Rain
Reflection must come at a later time. I love that line. There is a time for reflection, to check in to see if you’re going in the right direction, where you want to go. But then it’s time to get back on the road.
I do agree what all that you said, Left22. I work on staying focused on the moment. The “NOW”. And the past is but a memory, and all that truly is “is a thought.” Thoughts can be changed…
I love the statement of “Reflection must come at a later time.” I catch myself spending to much time reflecting I guess you could say. Or regreting. I have to learn my triggers, what ever sets me off into the tail spin of chaos…Self-Sabotaging Behaviors. I notice when I get going downwards, I can’t stop. And everything is black or white. Thank you for the reply.