This is a rut that I can’t find my way out of I really don’t look forward to the future and memories of my past are tainted with my way of thinking I look back at times in the sixth grade and think why didn’t I take the time to love myself  instead of ignoring the feelings and telling myself  why can’t I take taunting from other kids because it’s truth because it’s the truth and now I hate myself  and I have so much anger and I don’t know how many times I’ve wished I could go back in time and change things I wish I didn’t end my friendship without an explanation I wish I could tell them how badly I was feeling and I really didn’t mean to end things the way that I did. I’m really sick of positive sayings like “hang in there” “keep going” because I remember last fall through spring when I tried writing and praying through my problems and being more positive and doing more I just couldn’t get through it all I really feel no hope after so much disappointment I’m really did try and what really sucks is every moment I’m wasting right now when I could be enjoying life, I can’t believe that I had such an “I can get through this” attitude only  five months and faking smiles  I’m really just upset that I have to live like this and if I could go back in time I would I would have found an outlet and have not let people get me down I wish things were better that for every emotion that I let out I didn’t think a snarky comment out in my head back at it like “get over it” or whenever I want to feel good about myself “I’m ugly”