I don’t even know why I am posting my story on this site, I’m just a normal girl who doesn’t want to be around anymore. I’m afraid that I have fallen too deep…
I have a boyfriend, we are both eighteen, we’ve been dating for almost two years. It is a serious relationship, we are sexually active. He used to be suicidal, and me, being a normal girl and all, I wanted to comfort him, to nurse him back to health I suppose. He was so romantic and emotional back then.
Now is a different story. Completely different. He started changing, he’s more open with himself, he’s not depressed anymore, but I don’t feel like he loves me the same way… There’s no tolerance, no caring… I almost feel like his dog. That I’m too dumb to be hurt by his actions.
I feel like this is my fault though, I have threatened to breakup with him before, and he denied the idea every time, but one time, he actually agree, and everything changed from there. I never even meant it, not once, I just didn’t appreciate him treating me like I was his booty call. I ended up crying, begging him not to leave. Begging… Why? It’s so strange… That I feel like I can’t even breathe without him anymore…
It’s ironic, because it was the other way around when we first met. Now I’m the poor soul who wants to die. Yet I have no good reason to.
We have fought before, there was hitting… Cruel words, I still think about those things he said everyday, and it hurts so bad… He asked me if it would be alright if he cold date another girl, a specific girl… After that fight, he apologized, saying that he was angry and that he didn’t mean any of the things he said… But I still remember them, and it’s painful…
I’ve felt this way before, just thinking how nice it would be to get away from all the pain, if I could just die and end it all… But I imagine how sad my family would be… And it makes me cry even harder.
But the one who is making me cry, I can’t even imagine him being sad if I left, that makes me cry even more…
He says he loves me, but he can get so angry and cruel moments later.
He says he wants me to be clingy, but he won’t even bother to make a promised phone call…
I feel so fragile, I’ve had a lot of things going on that have made me feel depressed and unstable, I feel comforted knowing that I will be able to see him tomorrow, knowing that he’ll want to comfort me and talk to me about my troubles.
But he cancels, and my whole world fall apart…
How pathetic.
I just want to end it all… I don’t want to worry about the rest of my life like this. I don’t want to have a life at all. I was never like this before, but now I can’t leave him, it would tear me apart…
It is ironic, because I feel like his old self has replaced me…
It’s not a sad sob story, I’m not worthy of any help really… But the pain is so immense, I don’t know what to do anymore… My family is of no help of this particular time, my relationships with my friends have become so distant, I can’t expect them to care for me anymore…
I’ve placed all of my hopes and dreams on him, and now Im Paying the price.
1 comment
It sounds to me that you need to get away more than anything, if not permanently than at least for a week or two. One of the few things I’ve learned about relationships is that if you feel it is your fault it is probably not (unless it is). A therapist might be a good thing to have as well, it’s sometimes good to vent to someone that has no emotional stake in the situation.
Personally I think when you are your age you should not be in too serious of a relationship personal growth is a big thing in the years to come. But you see I am old and I was married at 18 and that did not work out very well.
Good luck.