shattering

I accidentally slept for hours when I got home today and I didn’t wake up refreshed, I just woke up feeling numbly sad. Everything’s too quiet and this silence is too loud and I have no idea how to make it go away. My words aren’t working like they usually do and I can barely string a sentence together. It’s just that right now I’m too caught up in my loneliness and self loathing to think straight and I am scared and I want everything to end, so I’m just babbling on here until it maybe starts to go away. In Religious Studies today, my teacher told me that I shouldn’t be this bored of life at seventeen, I just did what we all do and blamed it on the small, shitty town we’re all stuck in for the time being, but apparently that shouldn’t be the problem. And I know that it shouldn’t be, too, I know that plenty of people my age in my town live really well, go on adventures and do some really great things. It’s just that I don’t. And I don’t know how to. And I’m too scared to find out, because I am tired of being hurt and disappointed. I’ve built up a sort of wall between myself and life and it means that nothing really affects me at all emotionally, and that sort of suits me, but at the same time it doesn’t always work. I just feel so completely alone and fragmented and I don’t know what to do any more. I don’t want to be this sad shell of a person that I am now, so filled with potential that is completely locked inside and unable to get out. I am just an idea and ideas are all I have and all that I am. I want to be more but I don’t know how to be more and I want to give up everything but I know that I won’t let myself when it comes down to it. I’m just having trouble making myself believe that the strong, brave thing for me to do right now is to not let the thoughts take over, to not let myself cut, to not let myself list methods and plan notes and timings… I can’t and I have to try and stop myself. It’s just so so so so hard right now and I feel so completely lonely that I’m in danger of shattering into a million little pieces.