I think I’ve got a plan, and I can breathe. I just need to collect the supplies and hope I can last until then. And hope that no one tries to save me. I don’t think I want to be saved. I really can’t tell. They say that fearing being saved implies that you have a hope that there is something that can save you. Maybe I do want to be saved. I don’t know. If that’s the case, then why do I feel so relieved at finally having a plan for the end? Is it wrong that the only hope keeping me alive is the hope of death?
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Kissnm10, what has brought you to this point?
Self-hatred, really. I’ve had a lot of horrible things happen to me, but I don’t think my life is bad. Others have it a lot worse. It’s me, I’m the problem, and I can’t stand to stay here for another second to cause problems. I see no future, no dreams fulfilled, no real happiness. All because I’m not good enough to accomplish anything, and even if, to the rest of the world, I am good enough to accomplish something, I just can’t see it. Everyday is hell, because I can’t stop picking myself apart. It’s so hard to function in constant hell.
What are you going to do?
I’m going to do what everyone on this site seems to want to do: find death. I just had to come up with a way that suited me and my circumstances/resources. And I finally have. I don’t care to share methods, because even if I want this, it would break my heart further to help another person die.
Hi kissnm10. I understand how you feel but have you ever thought what your life can be if you just hold on? I know it’s probably hard to see any different positive outcome but don’t do it. Sometimes the idea of suicide can be comforting because we can finally, “Rest,” so to speak but who’s to say that where ever we go from here, we won’t be worse off? It’s not worth taking the chance. Yes, most of our lives are messed up and suicide is a way to stick it to the people who’ve hurt us most BUT don’t give them the satisfaction. We all are beautiful and worthy of love. It may not seem like it BUT someone out there will LOVE YOU. Just think, if you can get over not committing suicide you can literally do anything in life. ANYTHING. Don’t give up. Don’t EVER give up on yourself.
I do have someone who loves me. Many people. So, I know I have no reason to complain. But my mind is just so warped that I expect them to wake up and realize that they’re wrong to love me, and they’ll leave. And everyday is just so hard. Believe it or not, but I am a committed Christian, and I believe wholeheartedly in God. I know my religion condemns those who commit suicide to Hell, but I don’t know. I feel like God understands how much pain I experience. After all, He made me that way. He knows how I am tortured. He might be merciful and not send me to further hell. I don’t want to risk it, but I don’t know how things could get better or what it would take. I don’t want to get back at anyone for hurting me. In fact, I’m saving them from me. I feel like this is all I can do.
How old are you and do you have an email kissnm?
I’m 20, and dragon16652@aim.com is what I use most often.