No sleep yet and the day is into the afternoon. Hate mingles with despair in my unquiet mind. Anger races through my veins and I find myself hurting yet again. It is all coming to a head perhaps. Days are bleeding into each other. Can I cross it off my list yet? I’ve been trying and fighting for a while now. I have got myself help. I poison myself with medication designed to make me feel like I am a human. There is not much left of Faithless right now. Not much of what she once was. It is a sad predicament indeed.
I have tried to manage my life, tried to discern the source of my hurt and I am coming up with blanks. Words and books my long term companions have abandoned me. They offer little help except escapsism. I am trying in more ways than I should be. Scatterbrained episodes take their toll on my time. I tried. I got the help, I took the break. Yet I find myself here. 2013 brings no new things. No healing and no peace. SUicide is contemplated over and over. Thoughts of self harm cavort about in hedonistic spirals. I can’t figure it out. I am loved by great humans. I am free of my past. Yet I hurt, I bleed and I continue my broken way through the world. Limping and all akimbo, leaving a trail of salted blood behind. So weary and so angry. So pathetic and so hateful. Please I wish for peace. I am tired of this life. Faithless is well aware of what it would cost. The grief and the hurt it would beget. She expects nothing of death except peace. There is no hell waiting for her sins and no heaven to comfort her mortal soul. There is nothing. Sweet nothing.
I think I am defective. Perhaps something of Darwin’s theory. I tried to continue onwards, to aim upwards but I can’t seem to shake it off. I am not fit to survive perhaps. So let me take myself out of the running. Just let it stop. All this uncertainty, all this loathing and pain. I don’t feel like Faithless anymore. She went away to some far off place and my memory of her is fading. Her place in this world is fading with it. This stranger wants naught of it. Just let her pass away and it be done. She was never meant to amount to anything. It’s ok to realise that. I’m okay with that. I’ve lived longer than I wanted to for you all. I have fought it so long for you all. Can I please be selfish here? I just want it to stop. I can’t live like this again. I’ve been through this before. This repetition is cruel and perverse. Same old struggle and same old story. I tried. I am sorry. I was not able. Ah the excuses that even now come so easily. This fight I am so close to losing. And want to lose. Towels are thrown, white flags raised. Revile me as you will, Just.Give.Me.Peace.