I think I’m mostly just venting/ranting/whatever..lol
I’m a 35 y/o woman that’s been struggling with severe depression most of my life, some times are worse than others… bit I think that’s all of us right?
I have a caring husband of 5 years ( we’ve been together 7 or 8 total) & I know he loves me, I have 2 cats I adore….They are my reasons for living… that’s about it….
I also have just found out my years of smoking cigarettes ……….( among other things in the past I’m sure! ) have caught up with me, my doctor can’t seem to give me a straight answer on what level it is, but apparently I have emphysema. Along with a slew of body aches & other” maybes”…NOT helping my supposed bi-polar or depression at all!!!
I have had strong urges towards suicide for YEARS, have many scars as a cutter .. I try to not cut any more… they say it’s a teenage thing..lol… I haven’t been a teen in many years, but I cut then too.  I did mostly stop for a few years, but a very stressful time brought it back with a vengeance!… last time I cut was mid October, that’s when I decided to see a counselor… not helping much.. the urge is there .. but I’m fighting it with all I have in me!!!Â
Now I have a problem that hits me from time to time,  constant thoughts of suicide… sometimes the thoughts last a couple days, sometimes a week… with this medical shit & the aches, pain & stress its been 2 weeks & it’s not going away. I don’t know why I’m bitching here because I just don’t have the guts to do it…. I want to but I guess I’m afraid… I have such a high tolerance for meds I’m writing this after taking 8 or 9 hydrocodone,  around 12 to 16 mg of klonopin, & roughly 16 mg of xanax with 1/2 a bottle of wine.
I also feel ugly… not completely hideous, but enough to look in the mirror & cry sometimes or cry when my husband tells me i’m beautiful… I am sooooooo lost, I do not expect any responses to this… I doubt it makes sense to most. …. BUT, if you do feel like responding, are there any other adults out there that cut or that feel these suicidal feelings & just cant seem to do it, not that I want you to!!!!
Thanks for letting me rant…
K
5 comments
Hi… I don’t cut or smoke, but I know the other things quite well. I feel like dying a lot, I know how I would kill myself on the spot, but I am not going to follow through… I can’t. Too many essential people and important things get in the way… My mind went to so many places I don’t know what to tell you, except that you live for your husband because he is in truly love with you (despite yourself). This is good and I want you to be happy because of that. Go enjoy yourself. Sometimes I’m on ******.com/Crisis_Chat , and I invite you over there to just let it all out.
KK, I’m 31 and I cut. Sometimes that really is the only release. Being in your thirties doesn’t make it all go away – hang in there <3
I’m an adult. I don’t SM often, it’s a sporadic pattern for me — intervals are between months to several years. Those who say it’s a ‘teenage thing’ are simply being ignorant… You could join the rest of us (adults who SH/SM; and recovering) at Bodies-Under-Siege (BUS): http://buslist.org/phpBB/index.php
Thanks
Things aren’t getting any better… once again I’m finding out what very few friends I have…is it even worth it…. life insurance on me is worth a lot more than I am….