Yesterday was my 27th birthday.
Today I slept until 6:pm.
I feel terrible all the time. All I can do is sleep and eat. I move through the perfunctory functions of life. I have a job, kinda. I want to quit because my boss is a ***** (isn’t that everyone’s story). I don’t have health insurance, pay out of pocket to see a psychiatrist. For 20 minutes of his time he takes half my weekly salary. I’ve been on 9 or so medications over 12 years. I use to feel smart. Now I feel broken.
I used to fantasize about one day having a dream house, or a dream wedding. Lately, those fantasies have been replaced by how I am going to kill myself. Should I buy a gun? Should I take pills? I can’t do it in my house, that’ll destroy the property value. I can’t do it in my car, my mom could resell that and pay for the funeral. And on and on. Scary, detailed thoughts, but all I can think about.
I came here because I searched “I am ready to die”. I don’t know if I am or not, but I am close, and I think if anything were accessible, I might have done it by now. I don’t know what else to do. I have no one to talk to and nowhere to go. I don’t want to tell anyone, I don’t want to hurt them, but I’m so alone and so afraid.
Help.
3 comments
You remind me alot of me a couple of years ago. I dont know your problems, but an advice is to get rid of whatever you dont like in your life before getting rid of your life itself. For example, if you cant stand your job – quit. Do whatever you want to do as long as you can. If it does not work out, you always have the option later. Just try something new, change can help a lot.
happy birthday.
From what you’ve provided, you’ve been struggling since you were at least 15; approaching 30, with seemingly little clarity, and a sense of not being established – whether it be relationship or career – typically results in one becoming anxious about one’s future, and exacerbating the psycholgical distress you’ve otherwise been under, and yeah the “*****” boss you could seriously do without … In my opinion, rather just put up with the “*****” (she likely has a lot of her own isssues) – set up a picture of her somewhere in your house that you can throw stuff at or something … whatever helps you make it more bearable (until you find a new job or otherwise obtain some financial security) – continue working on your issues … communicate and share what’s going on with you as much as you can, even if with just those on this site, preferably though with people you (can) meet … don’t give up on yourself (your mom likely needs you as well) – you’ve still got a lot ahead of you … take care … 🙂