Lost and lonely

I feel so lost and depressed. It’s been years since I haven’t felt really happy. I’m so scared about my future, everything is so blurry. I’m 16 and supposed to know what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I have no idea. I just know I want to leave my family because my dad is so mean and I can’t stay. He yells at me all the time, and tells me I’m nothing. And maybe he’s right.

But before I kill myself, I want to see if life outside of my family is different. I have to leave and I want to, because maybe then I’ll feel free and happy, but it’s so scary to think that in a year and a half, I’ll be alone, probably in London, looking for a job so I can buy food, whereas now I am in Paris with my rich family and my so-called friends who actually don’t care about me. I’m scared of ending up homeless. I’m scared I can’t live without the help of my father.

I feel so, so alone. And lost. I know i’m repeating myself, but it’s because it’s the only thing I can think about.

I live here, in this beautiful house, with a big garden, expensive cars, fancy furniture and lots of clothes, shoes, bags, etc, and from the outside, you would think I have everything to be happy, because yeah, I have everything I need or want. But I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t know why I have all of this because sometimes I feel like it’s not fair. We don’t need those cars, we don’t need all the houses and flats we have, all this money that is supposedly making us happy. But it doesn’t make me happy to have everything. Not at all. All of this is material. And I can tell you, even if at the beginning you think it really makes you happy because you can afford to buy all the things you want to have, you then realize it is nothing. Because at the end of the day, you sit and you look at your life and you see you’re still a mess. And you need more than just owning stuff.

One day I was in the living room, sitting on the couch, I was alone.. and I realized no one’s ever there for me. Sometimes I feel ready to talk about myself, about my depression, my eating disorders or my suicidal thoughts, and sometimes I think maybe it would make me feel better to talk about it, but no one answers my messages. My ‘bestfriend’ told me the other day that she can’t be there to answer my texts or messages all the time, and I’m wondering if it’s me the problem. If I’m asking too much from her. I don’t know. I feel like I never ask anything from her. I’m always there when she needs to talk. I always listen to her, I always answer her texts and messages and when she needs to think about something else, I’m always there to distract her and make her laugh. But when it’s me the one who needs help, she’s never there. Never. And that makes me cry, because she’s the only person I would like to talk to, but she doesn’t care. She’s never the one who writes the message first. One day I told her, and she said I was right and she will change that because I’m a great friend and she wants to be a great friend too. She promised she will. But now I realize how stupid it was. It’s supposed to be something natural, not something she has to think about like “oh right I have to write to her”.

So yeah, now I don’t ask her anything because I don’t want to be in front of my computer waiting for an answer that is not coming. Usually she answers two, three days later. And she says “sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!1!!1!!1!!” and it annoys me. And as always, I end up crying like a stupid *****.

All I need is someone to hug me when I cry.

It’s the first time I write something here, and it’s a very long post. I’m sorry. Thank you if you read everything. I hope my english isn’t too bad.