I have been having suicidal thoughts for so long.
I thought I could maybe talk to someone who is also having ones. I thought maybe we could share story and make each other feels better. And lately, I found two persons in my school with the same problem.
The first one (M) is such a cute girl, with big beautiful eyes and active social life. She has this large group of friends, telling her how great she is, giving her advices, assuring her that she is strong, telling her she is missed when she is not around. She is a cheerleader with a lot of boys chasing her. One of her ex-boyfriends is the one who knows that she is suicidal, and he sticks around her, trying to make sure she doesn’t do it again, making sure she feels alright even after she moved to another town.
The other one (T) is the quiet one, with such brilliant mind, and great school achievements. I knew her from Junior High School. Back then, she has three close friends who are aware of her suicidal activity, and do their best to make sure she doesn’t do it again. I have met her mom and I can tell she is such a loving woman. She also has a close little brother. Now in High School she managed to make some friends who involved her in every occasion. They hang out together, study together, make school projects together.
I knew about M from her ex-boyfriend, and I knew about T from her conversations with her close friend on twitter. I thought I could talk to them and try to make sense of this situation. I thought I could finally have some close friends I can be true to. But when I tried to make conversation, I just trembled and got scared, and it ended up being another empty, awkward conversation of mine.
Why can’t I make friends like normal people without feeling tired or scared?
Why are we all suicidal, and yet they all have friends supporting them trying to make things better for them?
Why is it when I finally thought I have someone close enough to tell about this thing, he tells me that my problem is not that serious, shutting me down even more?