I came across this blog one night when I was at one of my worst moments.. I was looking for ways to end everything without leaving much evidence.. I read some of the blogs and I just felt like for the first time in my life this is somewhere I could fit in.. somewhere that people would understand what I am going through. I guess I’ll start off by telling how I grew up..
My parents divorced when I was two. My mom left us for a man that was abusive towards her.. he never wanted her to spend time with me and my brother.. My brother (seven years my senior) and I lived in the house with my dad. We had one other brother but he moved as far away as possible when he could because our dad was such an asshole.. All the years of my childhood I would cower behind the couch while I listened to my dad scream and holler and hit my brother.. I recall one night my dad and brother got into it and I had the phone in my hand and almost dialed 911 but I was too scared to.. My dad liked to run his mouth to my mom too.. although he has never laid a hand on me.. I grew up the perfect child because I feared he would do to me what I watched and heard him do to my brother.. I stayed with my grandma a lot. God bless her soul. She would take me to church with her and I loved it.. we had the best preacher.. (God bless his soul as well).. I would go up to the alter, a mear nine years old and pray for my daddy. I would pray that God would change his ways. I remember one day my preacher came up and placed his hand on my back and began praying for my mom.. I never understood why until one night I was checking the answering machine at my Grandmas and I heard my moms voice saying her car was parked out back and if *Dean came looking for her to call the sheriffs’ department.. I remember very vividly the bruise on my moms leg. It covered its entire surface. She told me the tire swing hit her at the park. Years later I learned Dean had slammed her leg in a car door when she had tried to leave one of their arguments.. My grandma was placed in a nursing home where honestly I regret not going to see her more often.. When I was 13 *Dean got busted for a shit ton of weed, cocaine, firearms, AND he was already once a convicted felon.. my mother helped him hide out in another state while there was a warrant for his arrest out.. I came to “stay” with my mom as I told my dad. When really I was moving in with her. But sometimes I still had to stay at my dads. One night things got really bad and I called my mom over and over and over again begging her to come save me.. but she never did. The next day *Dean was caught. The federal marshals had went to my moms job and told her they knew he was there.. and if she didn’t turn him in she would get 5 years or more.. so she did. After he left I moved in with my mom. It was such a blessing at first. I was so thankful God had saven me from my dads house. Although I saw him often.. he never failed to remind me how sorry I was and how I would turn out as worthless as my brothers.. I never got along with other kids in school. It wasn’t unusual for me to come home crying because I was often picked on by other girls and the kids on the school bus made fun of my crappy looking house.. and my clothes.. they came from thrift stores. I know I may be backtracking but I suppose this is important.. when I was in the first grade my bronchial tubes collapses and I was lead into a coma where doctors did not think I would wake up. When I did eventually come to I had to relearn how to walk.. I suffer from chronic asthma. As years went on I learned I have that, kidney stones, ovarian cysts, severe depression, personality disorder, severe anxiety, suicidal tendencies, bi polar disorder, a low amount of seretonin and dopamine, malnutrition, h pylori.. Honestly looking back I think drugs really messed me up.. but I will discuss that later.. where was I? ah.. I had moved in with my mom. things were looking up. Then it’s like I had denied it all along.. but I realized how attracted I was to the same sex.. my mom understood, After all, my mom was and is my saving grace. But my dad.. that was tough.. People never really judged me in school. They always knew I was the weird one.. One day my dad and I had gotten into it. I told him he was the reason I wanted to kill myself, he was the reason I had scars on my arms. I asked if he would even love me if I told him I was gay and he broke down crying and he hugged me. *Side note* When I was about 13 I was reading a magazine and I was reading about Lyndsay Lohan and her girlfriend Samantha Ronsin and I said something about it and my dad yanked the paper out of my hand and hit me across the head with it and told me to never look at that shit again.* He told me he would accept me no matter what.. My dad has NEVER been a man of his word.. still to this day he isn’t. I got all of my problems from him.. I am a compulsive liar.. I am manipulative.. I have anger problems I keep low key.. just a lot of SHIT. He always claims to be something he is not. For instance, a man of God. HA. YEAH RIGHT. So when I graduated 8th grade I was dating this girl.. she was 18. She moved in with me. We dated almost a year and she left me to move back home to take back up with school. In 2010 my grandmother passed away.. it was the hardest time of my life. She was my world along with my mother. The night before my 14th birthday I came home and found my mom in bed with some man I had never met. That night I took 40 asprin. I threw them up in no time. but I tried. I confided in one of my close friends at school the next day.. big mistake. he told his mom and she was the school counsler. She called my mom in ON MY BIRTHDAY. and I was sent to therapy without a choice. I hated it. It made me sick. I had to come clean of everything right in front of my mom who thought I was the perfect child. Straight A’s.. never saw the inside of the office.. she thought I was golden.
*Fast forward to after my ex moved away*
I had never slept with a guy before. And yes, I mean had sex with. Well my best friend ended up being my first. It was right after my 15th birthday and he was 19. Then I had a strange addiction to sex.. I slept with five guys in six months.. I was still having sex with girls too though.. I often seduced men into cheating on their girlfriends with me because I was “better.” Looking back now I did a LOT of stupid things I regret. I strayed from the Lord.
School was bad for me.. I never fit in.. I was always the one alone.. The one doing her work and keeping to herself.
I began smoking weed when I was 15. For my 15th birthday party there was alcohol and weed. I’ve never been much on drinking.. but I would roll one any day. Both of my parents are stoners. I use to throw parties with close friends every now and then..
In 2011 I really got to know the love of my life.. he asked me to be his on 11.11.11 and we’ve struggled and broken up since then.. but we’ll always be.. us. I really got into smoking weed. Quite often actually. I smoked with my mom after having some back pain and getting home from the hospital.. ever since then it wasn’t weird for me to have friends over and us all light up with my mom.
*Side note* The man I found her sleeping with moved in with us and got my mom into drinking. She would drink a fifth a night. He left her on and off and she would drink her problems away. She had a guard dog that would even attack me if I came near. One night she got drunk and I was going to go out but she locked me in the house and let out the guard dog so I couldn’t go anywhere. She was a pretty mean drunk. But she has been sober for over 2 years now and I couldn’t be more proud of her*
I was way more into smoking than anything else. I always said I would never try anything else. Well my boyfriend had ended up moving in with me when some problems happened in his family. It was perfect at first. I ended up going through a lot of health problems with my h pylori my junior year of high school.. I missed so much school it wasn’t worth it. I stopped going at the end of the semester, I withdrew from public high school and took up online high school. no, not a GED program but a real virtual high school I pay for every month. Well things stopped being so perfect before the health problems and I started seeking comfort in another man.. I have commitment issues. I know I do.. and hey.. I apologize for all this scrambled ness and having to go back in time.. but that previous spring.. I left my boyfriend for a girl. I didn’t want to be with her but I thought I could find better than him.. anyway.. THAT WAS A MISTAKE. it really took a toll on our relationship but being the wonderful man he is he forgave me..
*so I was back and forth between my boyfriend and the guy I worked with.. ahhh yes I also forgot after I turned 16 I landed a job at a fast food place. (I’m still there sadly)*
So here we are today.. I asked my boyfriend to move out.. he went to another state to live with his mom and sister.. I needed to clear my head of everything.. we still see each other every couple of weeks.. im thankful for that.. and I am going to blog more tomorrow and tell you all more (if anyone is interested) Not that anyone is.. but I feel like this is helping with what I am going through..
1 comment
I don’t blame you for wanting to talk it out. Even if noone comments and only reads, its at least a good feeling to get it out in the open. you are very strong and keep it up!