If you only knew my life….

Iv suffered with depression my hole life, but if you knew my story maybe you would understand?

I have tried suicide 3 times in my life. first was wen i was 12 it was a O.D attempt. second i was 14 and it was the closet Ive came to death, it again was a o.d. and lastly i was 16 it again was a another overdose.  i guess i just thought going to sleep was the most painless way to go. just falling asleep and dieing just sounded so peaceful to me.

sense the day i was born my parents were addicted to drugs. first it was my dad, he was a crack head till i was 10. my mom use to work all day so it would just be me my dad and my little brother. i remember he used to take us  to ‘d’ wert’. its like the ghetto , everyone who lived there was either drug addicts or dealers. i remember when he used to smoke his crack in the car with me and my little brother. i thought nothing of it seeing how young i was and he would let me steer the steering wheel.. i didn’t know it was because he couldn’t because he was to bissy lighting his pipe. my mom didn’t know he was taking us there. i remember everyone in and out of my house constantly. all threw the night. there was always people at my house, they would let them self’s in and go straight into my parents room. i remember when this guy named “spider” hit me, but my dad was to high to do anything about it.

i didnt have much of a child hood. i had to grow up pretty quick. when i was 8 i was making sure my 5 year old disabled brother was fed,dressed,bathed, ready for school, and had all his home work done, this went on till i was about 13. i had gotten told a few times that i should have still been taking care of him becus he was nothing like he is now.

in 2005 i found my grandfather dead.i loved him so much. he would always tell me ” you are my favorite” i remember still smelling the beer on his breath and his prickly beard… That was my moms dad. my mom went down hill from there. she started popping pills and soon got addicted to heroin. I cant even describe how it felt to see my mom killing her self every day. my mom used to overdose everyday sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. i would have to get a butter knife break into the bathroom and get a towel with cold water and wrap it around her neck and make sure she was will breathing. the first few times i cried because i was scard… but i kinda got used to it. a few times she really over did it and we had to call a ambulance.

me and my mom never got along. we were always fighting. usually it would just be the usual yelling at each other but sometimes it got physical. Like the time she smashed my head into the wall so heard the people on the 3d floor herd it… or i remember the worst time. It was early in the morning and i was sick that day. i didn’t want to go to school. first it was just yelling then it just got worse. she grabbed my by my hair, pushed me down the stairs, grabbed me by my hair again and slammed my head into the wall. i can still see the dent in the wall from how hard she hit my head to it…

my parents were both always in and out of jail. mostly for drug related issues. my house had been raided 3 times and i had been in and out of faster homes. it sucked. but it was the life i had.
my mom went to jail for a year me and my brother went to a faster home for 4 months, then we went to live with my grandmother. soon after my mom got out of jail in January she had gotten back into drugs…

my mom died in February 2012 from a overdose.

even tho me and my mom had our problems and she was suffering from her addiction i still would have done anything for her. i loved my mom more then anyone on this earth, and even thou we would fight all the time.. i know she still loved me.

I am now 17.  i have turned my life around.  i am graduating this year with a diploma. i am going to C.N.A school and next year i am going to go to collage to become a nurse, and hopefully someday a doctor

I’m not writing this to get sympathy believe me i don’t need it, nor do i want it. im wright thins to let other people who are going threw similar things to know that you are not alone, and you can make it through it! it might seem hard and i know it is. iv had my times of wanting to give up, but it DOSE get better. my mom used to tell me all the time that  ‘everything takes time’  and i believe that..