I don’t know. I just don’t fit in with this family and I know they’d all be happier without me. I don’t mean to go on but I am so fed up of being on my own, and I just want the banging in my head to stop. My whole family is downstairs now, laughing and joking, and I just figured now might be the perfect time to end it all. I am fed up of my mum making promises she can’t keep – every weekend she promises to try and include me, and then as soon as Paul comes, everything changes. I’m sorry, I sound like a bloody 5 year old.
its ok i have been there i hate it to but ones your older they will bring you in it
and why dont you talk paul one on one and be like hey i know my mom loves you but ones you come over its like i am not inclued inthe family …let him know how you feel
and they dont hate you i bet they wish you were down there laugh with them cuz i would stay away from my family and now i have to work hard as shit to do anything with now
I have thought about talking to Paul, but I don’t even know where to start. How do you go about telling all this shit that we go through to a man you don’t even know? It took me months to tell my mum how I was feeling, and the only response I got from her was being ignored.
why dont you try it out on us here? I am a man, you dont even know, so may be me or others have some insight! it bits taking your life! beilve me it does.
I don’t want to get to know him, though. Not at the moment. My mum has moved on and, don’t get me wrong, I am so happy that she’s found someone new, and Paul seems lovely, but at the moment I just can’t. These nights are when I find it the hardest. For some reason, I feel like I can’t go downstairs because then I’d be in the way, and nobody ever comes up here to check on me, even though they know how low I am. it’s a vicious cycle in my mind and I have had enough. My head is about to explode.
Shit, I know what you mean but I am in a different place, when you say moved on? what do you mean? moved on from what, because beilve me I know, the feeling that someone else has moved on and you havent is just so painfull, it can drive to self harm, it certianly did me.
Just all the shit that has happened in the last 6 months. I haven’t been happy for a long time, but these last 6 months have just finished it off really. We fell out with my Grandma because of shit she said about me. My mum broke up with my stepdad who had been with us for 10 years. She then joined a dating website straightaway and never logged off the damn thing. She met loads of men and we now have a new stepdad, who she has been going out with for 3 months. We met him last week and he stayed over all weekend, and has been here all this weekend. It’s just too much, and it’s never going to get better cos nobody in this bloody house listens to me. I am now failing college – I have exams on the 11th January, which I haven’t revised for. I am just done.
I cut too. I have a pair of scissors here now actually. Am trying hard not to do it, but I just love that feeling when you cut and everything stops, just for one second.
I can see how it can hurt you from inside it is messed up, nothing is too small
and the pain it is liberating for a short while isnt it? I know it is. whe you say we,
do you have sisters and brothers?
Even though there’s a age difference I’m exactly where you are. Sitting in my room next to a blade I took out of a sharpener while everyone is downstairs playing and having fun. I don’t feel like I fit in with them either and I’m tired of pretending to. I hope you hold on because you sound like a really nice person and I’d hate for someone like you to go.
Yeah i have one brother who has the emotional range of a carrot. He is totally fine with the situation, which just makes me feel worse. Like I am the only one who can’t just accept things.
well you might be the only one, you might not, it does not change how you feel does it? I mean what are you after? you siad college you mean University College or High School?
I left school in July, so I am at the stage before uni. I wanted to be a vet all my life. I got 6 A’s and 7 A *’s at GCSE. And now am so angry with myself cos have totally screwed my A levels.
hey sorry i had to go do something well i am back now and ya i know the feeling of cutting but really plz try not to do it i love it to but its not the right thing to do
I love how everyone on this site tries to help people who are in the same position. It’s just sort of ironic really. We all sit here and tell each other not to cut, yet we do it ourselves. We tell each other not to commit suicide, as we sit there and plan our own deaths. It just annoys me that you guys are the only ones willing to help.
@life sucks thin u die mate I understand where you come from on cutting thing but you cant tell other to do it or not, we are here because we got tired of others telling us do it or not do it.
@Hanah, I take it you are in UK, I f* up my second year uni and worst in 3rd year but when I decided I want to live, I managed to redo the whole thing came out of it flying colours and started a start up out of it, and becoming a vet is cool too, do you have any pets ? which is your favourite?
@Hanah It is not about trying to tell you not to do it, I am currently sorting out my financials so my Bussiness partners and clients are screwed after tuesday, it is about helping you out of the limbo, either we talk and you realize you got to do it, or you feel it is not the right time, the limbo is where it hurts most isnt it?
Yeah I have a lot. 2 rabbits, 3 guinea pigs, 2 cats, 1 dog, 1 hamster and 2 ferrets and I love every single one of them because I wouldn’t have lasted this long without them.
tp_f__lux
ya but there are people on hear that are looking for help and i have been clean for a wile and i so badly want to go back to it
and i care about thies ppl so i will say it cuz i know the cycle of addiction on both sides of it every well and i dont want them or anyone to have that pain no one deserver it
when i was a lil child i try to take the pain from my sisters and i wish now i could take the pain from the world
that is cool, You know I had the worst fear of animals? I would jump at the sightof butterfly!
and then one night when we were celbrating success of my company my girlfriend told me she cant live without a Dog, and in the middle of the night this lady walks in the pub with a dog, so I leapt forward and huged the beast, I got over my weired phobias but then she dumped me a month ago and phobias came back. I guess it be cool if you manage to make a vet you know you can get into pretty much any Uni in southwest even with second A levels.
@life sucks thin u die
I respect that, if we internaly want to stop we will, and to want that internaly, that pain that drives us there has to go away. Many scared me with my family suffering and then it hit me yesterday, what about me suffering? so I planed it all for tuesday.
Everywhich way it is cool of you and others to be on here talking.
TP_F__LUX
ya i it took me for ever to realize that what my mother was doing was going to hurt me but i dint think of it like that i thought of how i wanted to protect my sisters and now they traeat me like shit and make me want to die cuz my deppersion is coming back and this time i have a lot more to do it with …. but ya it is
No. I havnt. I’m still just sitting here feeling numb. Eventually I’ll probably do it. Right now I’m just thinking.
Hannah
I agree. That’s why I came back here. I remembered how the people here had at one point kept me from ending it all and supported me when even when I couldn’t stop cutting. It’s sad how everyone on her is a good person, yet they are forced to be here because of what they’ve been through.
@Hannah
may I call you Hannah? that is funny, may be yes may be not, but I guess it goes to say
what we feel inside is contorled by external causes, things that are painfull will go away if we have that little encourgment from that special person, am I right? who is this special person for you? who is it that you would give up anything so they would walk through the door and comfort you? for me it is my ex who left me. who is for you?
i would love to be there haha
i want to work in a zoo
animals are the thing that i love more than anything
i want a lien or a tiger to kill me so it will be accednt
@77evergone77 – I know what you mean. Everybody I’ve talked to on here is lovely and it is sad. It’s sort of nice that we all end up here together though, and can try and help each other. Some people on here seem to get better after talking to people who will listen.
there was this movie I watched once, an old cop wanted to die, so he tried all the dangerous stuff and he survivided as soon as he decided he wanted to live, he git a paper cut and then got some illness and died, accident dont happen accidently mate, it is ironic but it is true.
Yes you may call me Hannah, and for me it’s my mum. But she always seems busy. At the minute she’s downstairs wrapping herself around paul, and judging from what I can hear, they’re going to be busy for a while.
It is nice to talk to people that get it. My mum told me that she was suicidal for a long time, and I keep thinking that if she had been through this she would be doing more right now. Even if she just tried to understand.
ya i know
i think my mom really wanted to live cuz she told us of how she would have this great house and her kids back and we would be happy again but thin she die a week and a half later
You know most people just supress it ? and then the fact that they have been through it, they try to not see it in anyone else.
It frightens us to see someone else try to off themselves, while we may be sitting ploting all the detials.
And yes have tried everything with her. Have no credit at the minute and there’s no way I’m going down. Have already written her two letters and sent numerous texts, and am just getting nowhere.
I live in a town called Shrewsbury. I think it’s because she is scared to admit that at the minute we have no relationship. And instead of working on ours which is in pieces, she’d rather progress on her one with paul, which seems to be going places. If that makes sense. Believe me, I have thought about all this to the point where my head is fried. I think that’s most of my problem.
I have tried to get to know her. It always works for a few days until she gets bored and then we go back t square one again. It has happened so many times already. She lies to me continuously.
How long do you have till you go off to Uni? how important is she to you?
and my main question why do you care some much? I know last one sounds dumb but houmer me.
Yeah. I’m numb becUse I don’t know what to feel anymore. Don’t know what to do. After I left here a while ago I started writing in order to cope. The only reason I’m alive is to see what happens next and to keep two of my friends from killing themselves because I did. Writing pretty much became everything for me. Recently because o my dad. All of my work ad been erased. It’s all gone. At first I cut a lot. Now I’m just numb. I cant really write anymore. It’s like a part of me is missing. It hurts. I hate myself for letting this happen. For not killing myself before when I could
wow this is a hard one
i am sorry i had a hard one two
all i can think of is so how she needs to open her eyes and realize whats going on
i am supriized u want her to know
i dont want my family to know but i did find out they were both cutters and had eating disorders like me
I can stay on til whenever. She is very important to me and I’m getting to the point where I don’t care. I feel like she doesn’t care about me and am fed up of making myself physically sick worrying about her. I feel like I can’t kill myself now, because she has told me that she won’t live without me, and I don’t want my little brother to be on his own. Please don’t tell me that she’s trying to show me that she loves me by saying that, she just doesn’t want to have to feel guilty.
She lies about everything. Little things and big things. The other week she invented going to a pantomime with her work (she works in a residential home, and it was supposed to be a day out for the old people). Anyway she went, and invented some story about getting a taxi on the way back. A few days later I was on facebook and found a message from Paul saying that he was at the panto with Julie (that’s my mum). I asked her if paul enjoyed the panto, and she still said it was a work’s thing. A few hours later she came and apologised. She said she thought it was better if I didn’t know she was with him. I understand that, cos I did feel better thinking she was with work, but when I found out, I just felt like a bloody idiot. To me, if there’s no trust, there’s no relationship.
Are you worreid about her? why worried about her? do you mean she is danger of heart break because of this chap she is going out with? or you mean if you go she be left alone, and I wont tell you she loves you because she said that, but is that what you care about?
are you after her love? What kind of place is your town? can you describe it?
Everything really. I don’t want her to get hurt again, because I want her to be happy. She just rushes into every relationship and then we have to pick up the pieces. She has been with Paul 3 months and they are already looking for holidays later on this year. If I do go, I’m not worried about her being on her own, cos she’s got Paul and my brother. I’m worried about her then killing herself, and leaving my brother on his own. And yes, I would love for her to be able to love me. But I don’t think she does. Especially not when I am making her life so hard. I don’t mean to, but I know I do.
The reason I asked you about the town is, the smaller and more boring it is, harder to find a proper man, so people like your mom end up with what you might think be a looser, that is why she would go on a dating website, she needs the affirmation that she is still attractive, having a young daughter does not help, she can get intimidated have you ever considered that too?
I MOVED from canterbruy to Luxembourg, now this is strange place to be, quit opposite of what we are used to back home.
Believe me, she wouldn’t be intimidated by me. I’m not fat by any standards but she is like 2 dress sizes less than me. But I have considered that and I fully understand. It just hurts.
Haha, okay, we established you are not fat that is good! Tell me something though, from what I understand you have a good handle on the sitution, you are obviously very bright, that comes from the fact that you have almost all angels worked out. but you still hurting. what you planed about it?
I am pissed that even in my messed up state, I can understand how she is feeling. I don’t necessariyl agree, but I do understand. But nobody ever understands me.
For a long time I thought I was just a bit sad and being a typical teen. Then I found this website and found I could relate to everything people say. I have done a lot of research on depression and I honestly think I am clinically depressed. I went to my doctor and all she did was refer me to therapy.
well see that is the point, that is we are in pain, the fact that you understand makes you hurt, see if it was that you did get here you could just hate here and pain goes away! but you dont do you, you are smart you can see both sides of the coin that is where the pain comes in and a little bit of self hate right? we are in diffrent places emotionaly , but I tired to bury it with work for a while till it stoped bing effective, do you have a botyfriend/Girlfriend who can lend you an ear from time to time?
Therapy can help sometimes, but not when you know where it comes form, and as I said before there is no small pain, there is nothing typical about the pain you feel, your pain is unique to you and you are the only one who would get it fully!
btw I hope to god you dont relate with us, I am personally passed the point of talking it out and have got all the plans ready to go, I do not wish you ever get into such position.
I guess the two major people to blame would be me and my sister. I already hate myself. My sister fuels the fire. She’s been my bully my whole life so I can’t get away from her. When I was little I though if I was nice to her it would stop. But I was wrong. And during all this I’m constantly thinking of reasons why I should die. I’m a friggin failure.
I quote my sister “Your a failure at life” that was just 5 mins ago.
I just don’t think I will. Nobody ever seems interested. And I have some really good friends. But I couldn’t talk to them because they wouldn’t understand and I think they’d be scared of me. I tried to talk to my best friend about it and all she did was start naming people who had had worst years than me. So I changed the subject quickly.
Yeah I can see, why you would not want to talk to friends, that is partially the reason we are all on here right? I find it hard to beilve no one is ever intrested in you, but having said that, highschool is full of idiots good boys are either locked in their room studying or too shy to come up to you, What kind of student are you , honestly?
nah dont worry about it, my sitution is very diffrent cant be helped much, you on the other hand, are smart and clearly trying to figure out a way out of it right?
Yeah I can see your point there. But I’m way too shy to make the first move, so it’s another no-win situation. Student wise, I’m obsessed. Or I was until all of this anyway. Homework in on time, only happy with having the highest grade, that kind of thing, because I know how tight the vet colleges are. Now I’m trying but am finding myself not caring about college anymore.
See Hannah I guessed you would be good student, I was too, it is the curse of being smart, you see things others dont, honeslty I was a geek too up untill 17 and then it all changed, I got my first job in a news paper learned to talk and from then on there wasnt a girl that I would ask out and would turn me down, and beilve me when you hit uni smart is sexy! dont be down on yourself, dont say you wont ever have bf! This is not encourgement it is just a fact, and as the making the first move, dont make it ! be smart let the boys do the work beilve me I am a man I know how our brain works!
Guess Shrewsbury boys are just lazy then. And everybody keeps telling me to wait for uni. But that seems a bloody long way away right now. Hsve another 2 years at college first, for a start.
Yeah. It does.
I won’t have one cuz I can’t see anyone every liking me. I don’t even like me. Everything from my looks to my personality has no plac competing in my town. I look older than I am and act it most of the time. The guy I like has been just a friend for two years. I think that’s proof enough. I’ve even dropped a few hints in desperation but it’s pretty damn obvious.
Hannah you never know where you meet that special someone !
I will tell you the true story of how I met my ex,
I just moved here from Canterbury, I knew this chap, that I only had met twice in my life,
then one day he calls me tells me he is in luxembourg for 4 hours with some firends and ask me to meet them, I am like no way I am busy after 10 minutes haggleing over the phone I decide to go meet him for a minute, I show up at the train station then this girl gets off the train, love at first sight she was just a angel she was a friend of my firend I ended up spending 4 hours with her, but then she was just going through a break up she got on the train and off to belgium! I tried to llok for her 6 months! and then guess what I found her over skype and she was living in germany so I go to meet her in a party and we dated, best 7 months of my life till she ended it, but you see how random it is? do you still think you wont meet anyone?
I tried the tattoo and piercing thing, by the way. Helped me for a while. I’ve got my ears done 7 times, my tongue done, my belly done, and my neck done. I had a tattoo done a few months back too and am getting my second one done on the 14th of January. Illegal yes, but it I’m going out, I’m going out in style.
Be cause I turned out to be a total tool! I drowned myself in, I ignored her , I forgot how much she means to me! I took her for granted! I dont know, you tell me, I have been trying to work it out but cant,
Wow. Is there no way she’ll have you back? That’s really sad. And I have a butterfly thing at the top of my back,. No I didn’t design it myself. I found one I liked on the internet, and then the guy changed it for me. Am getting another behind my ear.
HexDecimal is mainly a Alphanumeric code system where you can translate any message into code, so I designed something in HexDecimal 🙂 I realy got the Tatoo for me I didnt want anyone else to understand it hence the HexCode 🙂 Sounds a bit geeky dont it?
I cant come home for so many reasons, main being I was suppose to be in Germany with her for the holidays then everything collapsed, and now it dont matter anymore 🙂
You what I like about Tattoos? it is like this thing that is always with you to remind of you a choice you made once, I like its like your ego you cant cheat it! it is always there with you!
my name is T.a.b.a.n sorry about the dots, I cant have my name pop in google, due to my job, you might say who cares, you are ending it! yes I know but still, it will damage my start up which I am leaving to my bussiness partner
I am on, I have nothing else to do, as I said just sorting out financials, and sort out insutance that kind of stuff, it is nice to have some intelligent to talk to !
I know I’m young but the way I think is level with how old I look.
I know It would probably be smarter to stay a while longer but it seems near impossible. I’m trying though. At least that’s something I guess.
77evergone77 – I know how you feel. People look at me and see that I’m only 17, but they don’t realise that I’m mature for my age. I always have been, and I think that’s the problem. I agree with the staying part too.
I did not mean that you are young, I just meant you will hit an age soon where your body will change into something you will probably like very much, mine did!
You seemed to enjoy it before, though. To set up your company and all that? Do you mean 25? You seem way older than that. Don’t mean to offend or anything, but you seem to have a lot of experience in life.
What I mean is I look like I’m 16-18. No one really gets that I act how I look. I stopped developing 1-2years ago. This is it and I don’t really like it. But what I hate is me. As in minus the body.
I remember being so frustrated that Bo one could understand I’m not a kid. I havnt been one in a while and I can’t change the way I think on a whim.
Haha, not offended at all, if anything I take it as a compliment that you would think I have experienced of life, I guess it depends what you go through in life than you accumulate things! 🙂 but things were going good, you know in all the movies and TV serises there is this
right up idiot who works so much and forgets all about his Wife or grifriend and takes them for granted you hate them, one day I woke up and found my self to be that, and I go so disgusted I can not beilve it! How can one become like that I have no idea!
I relate entirely. This might be getting a bit deep but I developed when I was 8. So I know exactly what you mean. I feel like I ahve been the adult in our house for a long time, and I can’t see that changing anytime soon.
well sometimes it is too late isnt it? I mean I worked to support a dream house, big car all that is supposed to come the expeinsive life here for her but in reality all she wanted was me and I was not there! How can anyone do this!
Bloody hell. You’re gonna set me off again in a minute. I can’t believe she won’t have you back. Does she know how bad you’re feeling right now? How long were you together?
Sorry, I did not mean to get you upset too, I think I made it evident to her in a dozen emails and voicemails and couple of drunk dials you know the whole nine yards, We were together for only 7 months
It is not just her is it? it is who I became that I can not live with, disgusts me. I was such a romantic, I lived to give my GF foot rub and then what I became!
It is by parts that self hatred, it is nothing new, Unfortunalty It has been with me for the past couple of years and now this, hurting some one so sensitive so delicate just breaks the camels back !
Do you ever think that everybody on this website is screwed? I just feel like we all have so many problems, it hurts your head just thinking about what some people have been through. I used to look at suicide and wonder how anybody could be driven that far. And I used to look at self harm and think it was a waste of time. But now I understand. I have been thinking for a while that depression only ever seems to hit nice people.
depression hits the ones that are above average are decent enough to not harm others including the source of pain hence you end up harming yourself!
I am sory to drag you into my weired world!
Do you want to see my tattoo? I have never showed it to anyone 🙂
I do, but don’t laugh at my address. My ex-friend set it up for me when I was like 10, and I could never be assed to set up a new account. It’s xxhannahluvsulolxx@hotmail.co.uk.
I got a call from my friend. She’s drunk again. She was freaking out because something happened between her and this guy shes practically in love with. She was talking about dying and at one point quoted something I once wrote and sent to her. Then in all her drunkenness she starts talkin about me and the guy I really like. Saying stuff like how could I not do anything about it an be kind of stupid and not get him and stuff.
And of course I end up thinking about stuff I should and she hung up cuz my Sis walked in and started to insult me for almost no reason.
I wish I could duct tape her mouth shut. Why does she have to know exactly what will hurt me?
Thanks, and not really. Yours seem to have more meaning than mine. Did yours hurt? Mine didn’t. Giggled my way through mine. Think my ear one might hurt, though. Still, physical pain is good, I suppose. Beats mental pain anytime.
haha, hell I will take phyical pain over mental pain anytime! no it did not hurt but the german dude who was doing was cursing all the way through it, something about me moving my hand and him hating the desigen, my german is not really good, But persoanlly I think the ear thing will be very hot! what colour is your hair, will you match it with your hair color?
Its a little late. I already cut and everything. And to your question a while ago. I use a blade I took out of a sharpener and usually do mi hips and other less noticeable places.
My hair’s like a blondy-browny colour. Am changing the colour of that tattoo. Am going to have it like a really dark purple. I lied the blue but my butterfly was blue, so I wanted it to be different.
puprle will look great I reckon, do you mean your hair colour is ash blond? what do you have in mind next? my hair is black I have never died it in my life! I suppose stright bloke wont die their hair!
So far no ones checked or seen my hips. I stay inside the tan lines so I can still wear bikinis. Another place is the underside of your boobs. NO ONE looks there. I’ve only done that once or twice because my parents were starting to suspect a little.
hehe, then I must be too old school, btw ash blond is an awome colour dont go about trashing such awsome colour! You know it is the most natural of blond palette
You’ve never cut yourself? Really? Can’t believe you’re considering suicide before you’ve even cut yourself. I love it because all that mental pain just goes away because all you can think about it the physical pain. I also love the control side of it – like no one can stop you, if you know what I mean? Just takes away some stress I suppose.
I’ll be fine. I’ve done worse on school days. As long as I can somehow keep myself from doing more I don’t think I’m danger of passing out or anything.
Don’t cut. It makes it harder not to kill yourself somtimes
Hannah.
I agree with what you said.
And also. I try to never cut my arms. I use to do that bone that juts out of your wrist but my mom noticed. It was horrible. At one point I cut the underside of my chin.
hannah, the way you decribe it, it sunds rather a pleasing exprince than what it is suppose to be, a grousome picture I had, but I guess I will pass on that, you cut your arms? how? how do you not pass out or die? and that part about control is very intriguing
I’ve used a lot of things. Scissors, knives, my razor. Anything sharp really. I don’t pass out or die because I don’t do it enough or make the cuts that deep. I don’t want scars or anything, but the pain is nice.
You can control what’s happening whn you cut. Because it’s all intentional. It’s you doing it. You control whether you live or die or pass out. You control pretty much every aspect. Depth, length, place, Ect.
I don’t advise you todo it buy I’m on the same page as Hannah. I love it and hate it. Cuz I also use it as self punishment most of the time.
wow, This cutting thing is so out of this world to me, and you are right here I am writing up my will, and I still am surprised by the image of you cutting yourelf! how do you stop the pain? I mean the physicall pain?
I have quite light skin, I suppose. And I think the control thing is what I like best about the whole suicide thing. No matter how bad it gets, you can always just kill yourself at the end of the day. Nobody can stop you, really. I feel like in my life it’s the only thing I can control.
I like the physical pain, that’s the whole point in doing it. The longer it lasts, the better. I can’t believe you’re writing your will. That’s really sad. Guess you’re really serious and won’t change your mind??
@TP
I hate myself. Everything wrong is my fault one way or another. I blame me for my friend drinking and fir never stopping her cutting. Ect.
There’s so much thats happened that I know is my fault. Like if I wasn’t alive things would be so much better. I should just die.
well the light skin goes good with black so you can try it, and you are right about control, although I have employees working for me so I have some control over them 🙂 but I can see where that comes from, it is like a mental saftey switch, I am a responsible person if I do not prepare a wi my partner will be left with nothing, I just cant bear seeing me hurt an other peron, of course talking to you here makes me feel better but it is a matter of time before all the drak thoughts take over!
Most of them faded well enough. There’s some on my right leg to the left and below my knee theres a group of them that hasn’t healed yet. They were really deep. I don’t like thinking about the day I did that and the days after when I reopened the cuts.
Well, I feel sorry for your employees then!! I know what you mean about the mental safety switch, that’s a good way of putting it actually. Could you not give living another chance??
I don’t know. Somebody posted on here once that they didn’t want to die, they just wished they’d never been born. And that has summed up my life for a long time.
Sorry, I was making a late call, Honestly, I dont think at athe current state, I would have just gone through if I was not stuck in Berlin visiting a client.
I will catch a flight on tuesday morning to Luxembourg and then peace 🙂
I was asking where 77evergone77 was from. I’d hate to live in America. Don’t know why. Just has never appealed to me. On saying that, the UK isn’t much better.
Hannah
Haha. I guess location doesn’t really matter. No where would be very appealing if you just wanted to die. On the other hand I usually feel a little better when I’m away from here.
Hannah, on the contrary I guess you have it in you to travel, you seem, smart enough! but where ever you go you will miss home like crazy, Just to be n the pub with my mates eating sundy roast
really no roast? what are you into? at least back home the weather is constant I am not sure how is it up there in the west midlands, Never left the south before I left, how is it there?
haha um ok out of the blue
i dont want to distract yall from what yall are talking about but i realizes today that i am like a fish out of water again
when i was laugh i was like i am not really happy again and i have to fake it again
and that one out of two sisters i am really close with that she said a wile ago that i put her brain on coackain and we have lots of fun together and shes only like that when its just me and her
so if i died i will take her happness (well some of it) away and idk if i could do that
i know my deppresion is coming back and this time its going to be bad
I know what you mean about acting. It kills me having to act. I just want to scream at people and lock myself in my room all the time. Me and paul have to go out for a bit tomorrow by ourselves and am dreading it. Big acting session coming on there, I can see.
Don’t know about depression going and then coming back. Have never had a break from it myself. What has triggered it again?
I dunno really. That is a good question. Part of me wants him to know – seems the right thing to do if he’s serious about my mum. The other part of me doesn’t want him to know. He asks so many questions that is the problem and sometimes you just want him to shut up!! That make any sense to you?
I can’t imagine not having my mum around. I hate her like mad at the minute, but can’t imagine her really not being here. That is tough. You can talk about it here anytime and we will try to understand.
@ TP – I’m sort of like you I guess, to. I don’t really know who I am anymore. I feel like I’ve got swallowed up by all this depressing crap and can’t find my way out again. Part of me doessn’t want to, and like you, is happy just to find peace.
ya i just want to learn stuff about her all i really know is her day molested her and she became a alcholic and left us well more like we left her
but i found out so much about her after sh died and it kills me that i am sometimes still cryn myself to sleep
may be he is serious? I mean you are spending a day with him right? so he might be trying to apeal to you to get on your good side? is there a chance of that? what does the paul charchter o anyway?
I think he’s serious but don’t really want to know him at the minute. And believe me he tried all day. That’s why I feel like a *****. I think he drives lorries or something, don’t really know, or care if I’m honest.
I don’t know. We’ve been talking for like 5 hours now. Just checking you don’t want me to leave you alone. Most people would be screaming at me already.
idk i was talking to him earler on hear and they said they were about to post something and i said it would be great that i would reed it
so if i didnt and they did post it up i would be a ***** not to reed it
Hannah Honeslty talking to you is very nice, and why would anyone scream at you in their right mind? I will have all the alone time I want soon so no I am good! You tell me something though do you take care of your brother?
Hannah why would he hate you? brothers normaly dont hate their sister, they have some latent jealously and some problem with authority so it might be the fact that he is teenager trying to prove himslef to you by being a littly arsy!
I am trying to stick around. So hard. But I feel like it’s a battle I’m slowly losing. Everyday I wake up and I just want to die. I’m starting to get other things too. Like hallucinations and stuff. I feel like I’m drunk all the time, even though I haven’t been drinking – like things are in slow motion. I’m dizzy all the time and feel like I’m going to pass out a lot of the time. Anyone else get that? I think it’s just me going mad
that is like the messed up age for boys! He has just discovered his thing if you know what I mean, he is trying to find himself and is rebeling ! Having said that doesnt give him the right to be a prat or mean you have to put up with her.
Yeah, do you get that pain in your head? Well, I am unusual. And yes, it is that bad. Have never been really happy I don’t think, but this last year has been hell.
Really? I don’t get it as much anymore but a few times I fell or collapsed. One time I fell down the stairs. Thank god I don’t get it that much anymore. Only small pains that boil up slowly and roll around and simmer down
Oh, Mr ‘up-on-self-harm’ now are we??? Have you been googling again?? No, I don’t think so. Have been harming for a while and all this shit has only been really the last two weeks. Feel like it’s my body shutting down or something.
No, I only get it in my head. And it isn’t like a stabbing pain. More like a dull headache that will not go away. Have got so many thoughts continually rolling round my head. I’m like a living washing machine, or something.
Oh I did not mean that way, buy these symptoms you describe are physcial, I have had morbid intentions for better part of my twenties but it has always been mental suffering to the point I tried to hit my head to the wall, that is the extent! but feeling dizzy is beyond the mental suffering
really i remember being out with some friends and i could not move until i hit the floor but now that i think of it is not that bad latly i just have sharp pain where it feels like a knife is going threw my foot of david just pushed me down
Yep, I have tried hitting my head just to shut up my mind. Believe me, it didn’t work. Like I said, am coming round to the idea that my body is giving up on me and trying to get me to end it. I feel like I have been mentally dead for a long time, and my body just wants to die too. If that makes any sense??
You took the words right out of my mouth. Except so
Times things go up and I feel like I might her better then it all crashed. Why won’t anyone catch me? I just keepfalling til I hit the ground hard.
I dont agree with not being suited for life, that does not mean you should be more optmistic but just think if there is any other way of stoping the pain wel That would be more preferable.
oh, wrong person perhaps , but well may be you find a person you can relate to, recive upport and affection from that person instead untill the person you wanted the support fronm intially comes to her senses
Hannah.
I think I’m a little young for one of those. It’s happened before. They just hurt like shit and I cnt really move a lot for a bit. But there’s nothing wrong with my heart. I hope I don get more anywhere else.
I guess tonights not gonna end well. Hopefully i won’t SH in my sleep again (it seriously happens)
I have tried to kill myself like 5 times already. I drank half a bottle of vodka on christmas night and passed out in the bath. Hoping to drown, I guess. That was my last attempt. Always seem to get caught before it finally happens. My mum has removed bleach, scissors (apart from the pair that I hid), knives, all medication, and a shit load of other stuff from the house. She has it all stashed somewhere but can’t find it.
@sucks
You too? I sometimes wake up with bruises and cuts from scratching and stuff. I can’t control it and it scares me a little. One time I had to bleach my sheets cuz of blood.
are you planing to do it agian? overdose is the worst tyope of suicide ! dangerous and back fires badly, do your school mates know you tried to end yourslef?
Yep I know. I researched everything in the end. And no only my mum knows. I think my friends would freak if I told them. About doing it again, I don’t know. I want to, all the time. I’m scared to die, but I think I’m scared to live more.
On a side note
My hips friggin hurt. Hannah. If you ever do your hips. Don’t do both a lot at the same time or deep cuz it will bother you to walk in jeans or jeggings!!
Wish someone would put a bloody gun on me. Christ I would kill for a gun. That would be my favourite method. Have even looked at how to get hold of a gun, but you always have to have a liscense and be over 18, and stuff.
u cant get a gun a gun in uk, plus you cant kill yourslef with a gun, you need extremly strong muscles to make sure you dont just shoot a part of your face!
No. I don’t exactly cut. I scratch until the skins raw or i bleed and I bruise myself. Cant say exactly what happens. I only know the damage when I wake up. Havnt done it in a while. It sucks when it’s doubled with my almost nightly nightterrors.
@Hannah
I do and don’t. I like the pain. Dislike the limping. Causes too much attention and then I have to make up excuses and stuff. But usually if I do both the pain evens it out so the limp is less noticeable.
Yeah, I don’t exactly cut either. I tend to get my scissors and just sort of scratch away. I snip away at my skin sometimes too. Can’t really do much with a pair of bloody scissors can you? Have only got my razor other than them. Got a bit excited in the bath the other night and nearly ripped my nail off. Don’t know what I did. You should’ve seen my mum’s face when I went down.
@sucks
I don’t like not knowing what happened. There are times when the night before is a blackout. I can’t remember what happened. What I did. I have no control and it scares me a little. But the pains kind of comforting. And it helps when I go back into hating myself cuz of self punishment like I said before
I like presistant and am presisitant, Liverpool is amazing Uni!! awesome city too! how about south you thought any uni there? may be just living on your own when you move to uni?
well endding it is being chicken! it is done, just finishing u good bye letters
having said that talking to you made me feel much better makes it harder to write morbid letters but the flahsbacks help!
Yeah, well, I wish you wouldn’t. And I don’t think ending it is chicken. Not by a long way. If I’d been as brave as you I wouldn’t be here right now, keping you up.
do say you are not brave, I think standing up to your demons is, and by flahsback I mean remembering monets of me being a jerk, volnrty flahsbacks to an earlier time nothing out of the ordinary
Haha good to hear that, I certainly did not violate anyone but ignored them and I thought I am doing in good faith and for their own sake! turns out I am wrong
370 comments is good, well, good company goes a long way!
me, not really, not tired yet. plus the Germans just stopped shouting!
and I meant it about the company part, you are such a nice person, such a shame you are in such distress
popular? what do you mean? Coffee is too bitter! Not the best taste at this hour! but Hannah, tell me something more about you, though,
this is all I know about you
Smart, not fat :D,highschooler, wants to be vet, sweet personality,cares about her family, like pain.
This guy is trying to use my friend who already has it hard. She knotweed to rant a kittle and some advice and stuff.
And yeah, I did. I was probably gonna do it anyway. I’ve been trying to write again but since what happened it’s ruined. I can’t seem to get anything out anymore. It’s killing me
I guess. Suppose it distracted me for long enough and I sort of forgot about it. It’s like an addiction at the end of the day, a little vicious cycle that goes round and round.
Yeah. I also did on my side right where my bra strap would cover. And not really. I don’t feel it as much anymore. A nice throbbing. I guess it’s numbing.
I was about to say something but I forgot…….
well, if that gets you through then it is what you got to do, one thing I said at the beginning was that I hated being told not do it, so I wont tell you do it or not just trying to offer my insight, I personally dont see anything wrong with cutting as long as you are carefull, you metioned pins, but that wont be cutting!
@TP
I don’t think im addicted to endorphins.
Sand cutting does get me through. I think I’m careful
Enough.
@Hannah
At least the pain will le me
Know I’m still alive. I’ll decide from there whether or not it’s good.
Right now I’m relishing that I can feel something. I was so numb. Apathetic and tired.
well, its like milk isnt it? the crappy uht ones last a year the good golden top full fat ones 3 days max! good things expire fast! aside from the joke, the last month I felt so alone and hated my slef not one word of encourgment from anyone, and finaly I manged to make a plan, it is horrible going back to living as if nothing happened!
I’m not addicted to sex. It was just an example of a meeting, where people go and talk about their addictions. And when one person gives in, everybody gives in.
Hannah
Sorry. I wish I could tell you but I can’t. If I did then my thoughts would go flying and sooner or later I’ll get a panic attack and freak every time the doorbell rings and eventually loose it. My name isn’t very common. My biggest fear is having someone tell. Having someone who for some reason or other gets me baker acted. I would actually rather die.
Don’t take it the wrong way though. I can give you my pen name though. My pseudonym.
Sucks.
Please stop. Don’t cut. You stopped before it’ll be no good to start again! I feel horrible now 🙁
Shouldn’t have brought it up or talked about doing it tonight.
I like sticking my fingers into hot wax. It’s fun.
And I still have a mark on my tummy. I pressed a iron to it while ironing a shirt. Then I was making stained glass u purposely kept hurting myself with the sodding iron and metals and getting cut by the glass
Hot wax I’ve done that two. That hurts like mad but it doesn’t last long enough. It is quite fun too, cos you get to pick it all off afterwards. Bloody hell, bet the iron hurt! Don’t think even I could go that far!
Sucks
It’s hard not to feel bad.
Old don’t. Just keep pushing through. You can’t do it cuz of your job so don’t. Please. I don’t want anyone else to have to do this tonight
Hanna.
There’s a hole in one of my shirts. It’s lined with the sod now. Lol. (sod is like a solve metal that melts fast and cools fast. It’s what is used in some stained glass stuff.
Idk why but somehow I feel tempted to go all the way tonight.
You are right, It is too unreal this experience, talking to you and decision I made and all the stuff around me. I guess this is a new thing, smehow I wish I met you a bit earleir
You are right, It is too unreal this experience, talking to you and decision I made and all the stuff around me. I guess this is a new thing, smehow I wish I met you a bit earleir .
TP
I’m on this site cuz I wanted to die and needed hope. You’d really think I’d lie?! It’s only typical I’d know more. It’s the only way to fuck someone up this fast. Overexposure extremely early. Either that or screw up their childhood in one of the many ways. I am the age I am. It’s a fucking number. It has nothing to do with how I act
TP – I already told you what for.
Sage – I agree with the overexposure part. I also know your frustaration at being only 13. I was always very mature for my age. I just wish people on here would take a minute to think.
Hannah
Yeah. 🙂
Owieee. You know how a cramp feels? I have one but wrong time. It so annoying! >.<
Maybe if you guys are lucky like Violet Blake you'll get to see my immature side and my philosophical side. Lol. Right now I'm somewhere in the middle. Not sure. At least I'm not as numb anymore. 🙂
It’s not so much harming myself as it is the nightterrors. Hopefully. You guys helped enough so I cn be fine tonight. Havnt harmed in my sleep
In a while. That’s why I dnt want to tonight.
Hannah
I’m laying down.
I Don’t really remember when this all started. But I guess it’s prettyimilar to most. Sad first. Cutting second. Suicidal third.
Yeah, but how long before that? Do you feel worse now than you did before – now you’ve had a look at life without the depression for a while? That’s what scares me about getting better. The fact that it makes the next hit worse.
That’s interesting. I don’t know what’s worse – having it on and off, or living with it permanently, like I do. I suppose when it’s on and off, the ‘on’ times are harder to deal with, whereas you get so tired when you have it constantly.
On and off is spirit breaking. It’s like giving you hope to get better than stealing it and throwing the person bak down. Only for them to be tossed back up and fall down. Again and again. Different heights. Sometimes I feel almost normal. It hurts. Knowing whit it could be like and never being Able to truly have it
Yeah I get that. That must be hard. When you put it like that, I think you have it worse. At least if you have it constantly, you , i dunno, adapt to it, i guess.
You keep saying pass out, and that is worrying me. You know how you feel about that girl? Please don’t make me feel that for you. I’ve got this image of you now, with blood everywhere.
In the same way as it’s like getting cruely tossed around it’s also like drowning but staying alive cuz you can so
Times bob back up and take a small breath to try to survive the next deal back into the water
Hannah.
Dammit. Sorry. I truthfully was only listening to the part of my brain that says no one cares. Don’t be worried. I’ll be fine. Don’t think about blood everywhere or anything like that. I’d never do that unless I was trying to die for sure. When I’m cutting and only cutting I keep
It neat and rarely let the blood flow. So don’t be worried Hannah
Why are girls so obsessed about being fat? In the grand scheme of things isn’t being happy more important? I feel fat all the time and I’m a size 10. It’s ridiculous really.
As long as you dont become like my friend. She hates food. Used to e bulimic but lost her gag reflex. I almost went bulimic. But then mentally slapped myself cuz I wouldn’t b able to hide it as well. Don’t develop a bad disorder. It could go too far
Hannah
Neither do I
I’m called fat and pathetic and other insults and stuff multiple times per day. It gets to be too much sometimes. No idea how I’m keeping myself from an eating disorder right now.
honestly i dont get me i cant look at big cuts
but i cut
and i cant stand to be 95 pounds but because of this wedding i want it
and i ahve never made myself to throw up i saw what it did to my sister so i thought it would be safer to not eat
K guys, speak later. Thanks for getting me through the night. Felt like shit when I first came on and 617 comments or something later, I feel a bit better. (Think we just smashed the longest conversation record!!!!!!!)
626 comments
ok what up
I think I’m done now.
why what happened
I don’t know. I just don’t fit in with this family and I know they’d all be happier without me. I don’t mean to go on but I am so fed up of being on my own, and I just want the banging in my head to stop. My whole family is downstairs now, laughing and joking, and I just figured now might be the perfect time to end it all. I am fed up of my mum making promises she can’t keep – every weekend she promises to try and include me, and then as soon as Paul comes, everything changes. I’m sorry, I sound like a bloody 5 year old.
Nothing is too small, dont worry, but just try to wieght all the options first
its ok i have been there i hate it to but ones your older they will bring you in it
and why dont you talk paul one on one and be like hey i know my mom loves you but ones you come over its like i am not inclued inthe family …let him know how you feel
and they dont hate you i bet they wish you were down there laugh with them cuz i would stay away from my family and now i have to work hard as shit to do anything with now
I have thought about talking to Paul, but I don’t even know where to start. How do you go about telling all this shit that we go through to a man you don’t even know? It took me months to tell my mum how I was feeling, and the only response I got from her was being ignored.
well just start with i want to have fun with yall and i want to get to know you
he doesnt need to know whats going on with you
or how you are feeling unless you want them to
why dont you try it out on us here? I am a man, you dont even know, so may be me or others have some insight! it bits taking your life! beilve me it does.
I don’t want to get to know him, though. Not at the moment. My mum has moved on and, don’t get me wrong, I am so happy that she’s found someone new, and Paul seems lovely, but at the moment I just can’t. These nights are when I find it the hardest. For some reason, I feel like I can’t go downstairs because then I’d be in the way, and nobody ever comes up here to check on me, even though they know how low I am. it’s a vicious cycle in my mind and I have had enough. My head is about to explode.
i was there ones it really is hard i cryed my self to sleep so many times
all i wanted was someone to come up to me and be like are u ok and tell me the truth cuz i can see that your hurting
but no i never got that i just got more shit from them and i just have to learn how to deal with it until i move out
can i ask how old r u
I’m 18 in 4 months.
Shit, I know what you mean but I am in a different place, when you say moved on? what do you mean? moved on from what, because beilve me I know, the feeling that someone else has moved on and you havent is just so painfull, it can drive to self harm, it certianly did me.
i am 18 and about to turn 19 in 4 months haha
ya it can turn to cutting it has for a lot of us on hear including me
Just all the shit that has happened in the last 6 months. I haven’t been happy for a long time, but these last 6 months have just finished it off really. We fell out with my Grandma because of shit she said about me. My mum broke up with my stepdad who had been with us for 10 years. She then joined a dating website straightaway and never logged off the damn thing. She met loads of men and we now have a new stepdad, who she has been going out with for 3 months. We met him last week and he stayed over all weekend, and has been here all this weekend. It’s just too much, and it’s never going to get better cos nobody in this bloody house listens to me. I am now failing college – I have exams on the 11th January, which I haven’t revised for. I am just done.
I cut too. I have a pair of scissors here now actually. Am trying hard not to do it, but I just love that feeling when you cut and everything stops, just for one second.
I can see how it can hurt you from inside it is messed up, nothing is too small
and the pain it is liberating for a short while isnt it? I know it is. whe you say we,
do you have sisters and brothers?
Even though there’s a age difference I’m exactly where you are. Sitting in my room next to a blade I took out of a sharpener while everyone is downstairs playing and having fun. I don’t feel like I fit in with them either and I’m tired of pretending to. I hope you hold on because you sound like a really nice person and I’d hate for someone like you to go.
Yeah i have one brother who has the emotional range of a carrot. He is totally fine with the situation, which just makes me feel worse. Like I am the only one who can’t just accept things.
well you might be the only one, you might not, it does not change how you feel does it? I mean what are you after? you siad college you mean University College or High School?
I had to drop out too, twice actually! It got to a point that it was beyond one exam
I left school in July, so I am at the stage before uni. I wanted to be a vet all my life. I got 6 A’s and 7 A *’s at GCSE. And now am so angry with myself cos have totally screwed my A levels.
hey sorry i had to go do something well i am back now and ya i know the feeling of cutting but really plz try not to do it i love it to but its not the right thing to do
well you can get it back up it s harder to keep them up than to get there u know it just will take time
and 77evergone77 i think we all are at the same point cuz i have 7 broken razor right next to me to but i hope u dont do it either
I love how everyone on this site tries to help people who are in the same position. It’s just sort of ironic really. We all sit here and tell each other not to cut, yet we do it ourselves. We tell each other not to commit suicide, as we sit there and plan our own deaths. It just annoys me that you guys are the only ones willing to help.
@life sucks thin u die mate I understand where you come from on cutting thing but you cant tell other to do it or not, we are here because we got tired of others telling us do it or not do it.
@Hanah, I take it you are in UK, I f* up my second year uni and worst in 3rd year but when I decided I want to live, I managed to redo the whole thing came out of it flying colours and started a start up out of it, and becoming a vet is cool too, do you have any pets ? which is your favourite?
@Hanah It is not about trying to tell you not to do it, I am currently sorting out my financials so my Bussiness partners and clients are screwed after tuesday, it is about helping you out of the limbo, either we talk and you realize you got to do it, or you feel it is not the right time, the limbo is where it hurts most isnt it?
Yeah I have a lot. 2 rabbits, 3 guinea pigs, 2 cats, 1 dog, 1 hamster and 2 ferrets and I love every single one of them because I wouldn’t have lasted this long without them.
I know where you’re coming from about the limbo part, have been there for a while.
tp_f__lux
ya but there are people on hear that are looking for help and i have been clean for a wile and i so badly want to go back to it
and i care about thies ppl so i will say it cuz i know the cycle of addiction on both sides of it every well and i dont want them or anyone to have that pain no one deserver it
when i was a lil child i try to take the pain from my sisters and i wish now i could take the pain from the world
that is cool, You know I had the worst fear of animals? I would jump at the sightof butterfly!
and then one night when we were celbrating success of my company my girlfriend told me she cant live without a Dog, and in the middle of the night this lady walks in the pub with a dog, so I leapt forward and huged the beast, I got over my weired phobias but then she dumped me a month ago and phobias came back. I guess it be cool if you manage to make a vet you know you can get into pretty much any Uni in southwest even with second A levels.
@life sucks thin u die
I respect that, if we internaly want to stop we will, and to want that internaly, that pain that drives us there has to go away. Many scared me with my family suffering and then it hit me yesterday, what about me suffering? so I planed it all for tuesday.
Everywhich way it is cool of you and others to be on here talking.
That’s a funny story. You wouldn’t want to be in my rooom right now then? Everything except the rabbits and ferrets is in my room right now.
TP_F__LUX
ya i it took me for ever to realize that what my mother was doing was going to hurt me but i dint think of it like that i thought of how i wanted to protect my sisters and now they traeat me like shit and make me want to die cuz my deppersion is coming back and this time i have a lot more to do it with …. but ya it is
Life sucks thin you die
No. I havnt. I’m still just sitting here feeling numb. Eventually I’ll probably do it. Right now I’m just thinking.
Hannah
I agree. That’s why I came back here. I remembered how the people here had at one point kept me from ending it all and supported me when even when I couldn’t stop cutting. It’s sad how everyone on her is a good person, yet they are forced to be here because of what they’ve been through.
@Hannah
may I call you Hannah? that is funny, may be yes may be not, but I guess it goes to say
what we feel inside is contorled by external causes, things that are painfull will go away if we have that little encourgment from that special person, am I right? who is this special person for you? who is it that you would give up anything so they would walk through the door and comfort you? for me it is my ex who left me. who is for you?
i would love to be there haha
i want to work in a zoo
animals are the thing that i love more than anything
i want a lien or a tiger to kill me so it will be accednt
@77evergone77 – I know what you mean. Everybody I’ve talked to on here is lovely and it is sad. It’s sort of nice that we all end up here together though, and can try and help each other. Some people on here seem to get better after talking to people who will listen.
@life sucks thin u die
there was this movie I watched once, an old cop wanted to die, so he tried all the dangerous stuff and he survivided as soon as he decided he wanted to live, he git a paper cut and then got some illness and died, accident dont happen accidently mate, it is ironic but it is true.
there are a lot of nice ppl on hear and i wish that we could some how meet in person
it is good to come on hear and talk to others that get u
Yes you may call me Hannah, and for me it’s my mum. But she always seems busy. At the minute she’s downstairs wrapping herself around paul, and judging from what I can hear, they’re going to be busy for a while.
It is nice to talk to people that get it. My mum told me that she was suicidal for a long time, and I keep thinking that if she had been through this she would be doing more right now. Even if she just tried to understand.
ya i know
i think my mom really wanted to live cuz she told us of how she would have this great house and her kids back and we would be happy again but thin she die a week and a half later
@Hannah
Have you tried Texting her? simple as that. May be just a short message, not all the things that are in you but may be a short sentence?
@Hannah
That’s really true. Then sometimes when they don’t get better they disappear and it makes me feel horrible to kno theyre gone.
@Hannah
You know most people just supress it ? and then the fact that they have been through it, they try to not see it in anyone else.
It frightens us to see someone else try to off themselves, while we may be sitting ploting all the detials.
@77evergone77
Mate it is all about reaching a peacfull state, right? if they get there that way, they do, how about you? why are you feeling numb?
I’m really sorry about your mum.
And yes have tried everything with her. Have no credit at the minute and there’s no way I’m going down. Have already written her two letters and sent numerous texts, and am just getting nowhere.
@Hannah
That sucks, it is nothing worse than getting ignored. Why do you think it is so?
btw do you live in a city, town or small village?
@life sucks thin u die
Sorry about your mother mate.
hannah thanks
have u tryed just stop talking to them for a wile i did and my sis were like whf is wrong with u and they strated to includ me
I live in a town called Shrewsbury. I think it’s because she is scared to admit that at the minute we have no relationship. And instead of working on ours which is in pieces, she’d rather progress on her one with paul, which seems to be going places. If that makes sense. Believe me, I have thought about all this to the point where my head is fried. I think that’s most of my problem.
TP_F__LUX thanks
she caused a lot of pain and still does
i had a post about her a few nights ago
I have also tried ignoring her, and instead of caring she ignores me right back.
have you just tryed to get to know the new person that you mom is becoming
idk if i make sense if i dont i will explain
I have tried to get to know her. It always works for a few days until she gets bored and then we go back t square one again. It has happened so many times already. She lies to me continuously.
@Hannah
How long do you have till you go off to Uni? how important is she to you?
and my main question why do you care some much? I know last one sounds dumb but houmer me.
@Hannah
What do you mean by lie? what does she lie about?
TP_F_Lux
Yeah. I’m numb becUse I don’t know what to feel anymore. Don’t know what to do. After I left here a while ago I started writing in order to cope. The only reason I’m alive is to see what happens next and to keep two of my friends from killing themselves because I did. Writing pretty much became everything for me. Recently because o my dad. All of my work ad been erased. It’s all gone. At first I cut a lot. Now I’m just numb. I cant really write anymore. It’s like a part of me is missing. It hurts. I hate myself for letting this happen. For not killing myself before when I could
wow this is a hard one
i am sorry i had a hard one two
all i can think of is so how she needs to open her eyes and realize whats going on
i am supriized u want her to know
i dont want my family to know but i did find out they were both cutters and had eating disorders like me
Sorry. Started rambling and ranting
I can stay on til whenever. She is very important to me and I’m getting to the point where I don’t care. I feel like she doesn’t care about me and am fed up of making myself physically sick worrying about her. I feel like I can’t kill myself now, because she has told me that she won’t live without me, and I don’t want my little brother to be on his own. Please don’t tell me that she’s trying to show me that she loves me by saying that, she just doesn’t want to have to feel guilty.
everyone needs to u should make a post i would reed it 🙂
Life sucks thin you die
I was about to post but I just deleted it and decided not to.
(assuming that message was for me)
She lies about everything. Little things and big things. The other week she invented going to a pantomime with her work (she works in a residential home, and it was supposed to be a day out for the old people). Anyway she went, and invented some story about getting a taxi on the way back. A few days later I was on facebook and found a message from Paul saying that he was at the panto with Julie (that’s my mum). I asked her if paul enjoyed the panto, and she still said it was a work’s thing. A few hours later she came and apologised. She said she thought it was better if I didn’t know she was with him. I understand that, cos I did feel better thinking she was with work, but when I found out, I just felt like a bloody idiot. To me, if there’s no trust, there’s no relationship.
@Hannah
Are you worreid about her? why worried about her? do you mean she is danger of heart break because of this chap she is going out with? or you mean if you go she be left alone, and I wont tell you she loves you because she said that, but is that what you care about?
are you after her love? What kind of place is your town? can you describe it?
@ 77evergone7
mate where does the pain come from? why you want to end it? what caused it?
well i think it would be for to do that
i might not beabe to reed it right now cuz i have a date with my sister and i really dont want to haha
Everything really. I don’t want her to get hurt again, because I want her to be happy. She just rushes into every relationship and then we have to pick up the pieces. She has been with Paul 3 months and they are already looking for holidays later on this year. If I do go, I’m not worried about her being on her own, cos she’s got Paul and my brother. I’m worried about her then killing herself, and leaving my brother on his own. And yes, I would love for her to be able to love me. But I don’t think she does. Especially not when I am making her life so hard. I don’t mean to, but I know I do.
@Hannah
Why do you think this paul fellow will hurt her? what can he possibly do to her?
Oh, I forgot to answer you’re last question. Not much to say about my town really. Houses, park, few shitty shops, a river, that’s about it really.
He won’t hurt her at the minute. I mean in a few months, if he decides she isn’t the right person or if he gets fed up of me, which is more likely.
sorry guys i got to go
i probbably wasnt helping the conversation anyways
Have a nice time with your sister. And you helped me before, so thanks.
@Hannah
The reason I asked you about the town is, the smaller and more boring it is, harder to find a proper man, so people like your mom end up with what you might think be a looser, that is why she would go on a dating website, she needs the affirmation that she is still attractive, having a young daughter does not help, she can get intimidated have you ever considered that too?
I MOVED from canterbruy to Luxembourg, now this is strange place to be, quit opposite of what we are used to back home.
Believe me, she wouldn’t be intimidated by me. I’m not fat by any standards but she is like 2 dress sizes less than me. But I have considered that and I fully understand. It just hurts.
Haha, okay, we established you are not fat that is good! Tell me something though, from what I understand you have a good handle on the sitution, you are obviously very bright, that comes from the fact that you have almost all angels worked out. but you still hurting. what you planed about it?
I am pissed that even in my messed up state, I can understand how she is feeling. I don’t necessariyl agree, but I do understand. But nobody ever understands me.
For a long time I thought I was just a bit sad and being a typical teen. Then I found this website and found I could relate to everything people say. I have done a lot of research on depression and I honestly think I am clinically depressed. I went to my doctor and all she did was refer me to therapy.
well see that is the point, that is we are in pain, the fact that you understand makes you hurt, see if it was that you did get here you could just hate here and pain goes away! but you dont do you, you are smart you can see both sides of the coin that is where the pain comes in and a little bit of self hate right? we are in diffrent places emotionaly , but I tired to bury it with work for a while till it stoped bing effective, do you have a botyfriend/Girlfriend who can lend you an ear from time to time?
Therapy can help sometimes, but not when you know where it comes form, and as I said before there is no small pain, there is nothing typical about the pain you feel, your pain is unique to you and you are the only one who would get it fully!
Yep, I agree with all of that. And no, I do not have a boyfriend, never have and don’t think I ever will.
btw I hope to god you dont relate with us, I am personally passed the point of talking it out and have got all the plans ready to go, I do not wish you ever get into such position.
@TP
I guess the two major people to blame would be me and my sister. I already hate myself. My sister fuels the fire. She’s been my bully my whole life so I can’t get away from her. When I was little I though if I was nice to her it would stop. But I was wrong. And during all this I’m constantly thinking of reasons why I should die. I’m a friggin failure.
I quote my sister “Your a failure at life” that was just 5 mins ago.
hold on a minute? I can understand you did not have one! but why wont you ever have one? and how about girlfriends? school mates
@77evergone77
why would she say such a thing? are you female or Male if you dont mind me asking
Ect. There’s other stuff but I’m not 100% lucid enough to name them all.
I just don’t think I will. Nobody ever seems interested. And I have some really good friends. But I couldn’t talk to them because they wouldn’t understand and I think they’d be scared of me. I tried to talk to my best friend about it and all she did was start naming people who had had worst years than me. So I changed the subject quickly.
I feel really bad, by the way. Landing all my shit on you when you are clearly going through hell yourself.
I’m a girl.
And idk how. Shes been doing this my whole life and laughs about it
Yeah I can see, why you would not want to talk to friends, that is partially the reason we are all on here right? I find it hard to beilve no one is ever intrested in you, but having said that, highschool is full of idiots good boys are either locked in their room studying or too shy to come up to you, What kind of student are you , honestly?
@ Hannah
I know what you mean. I’ll probably never have a bf either.
nah dont worry about it, my sitution is very diffrent cant be helped much, you on the other hand, are smart and clearly trying to figure out a way out of it right?
@77evergone7
that is strange what your sister does? what is her premise for doing this? how old is she? how much older is she than you?
Yeah I can see your point there. But I’m way too shy to make the first move, so it’s another no-win situation. Student wise, I’m obsessed. Or I was until all of this anyway. Homework in on time, only happy with having the highest grade, that kind of thing, because I know how tight the vet colleges are. Now I’m trying but am finding myself not caring about college anymore.
@TP
I don’t know why. She’s two years older than me. 22months.
See Hannah I guessed you would be good student, I was too, it is the curse of being smart, you see things others dont, honeslty I was a geek too up untill 17 and then it all changed, I got my first job in a news paper learned to talk and from then on there wasnt a girl that I would ask out and would turn me down, and beilve me when you hit uni smart is sexy! dont be down on yourself, dont say you wont ever have bf! This is not encourgement it is just a fact, and as the making the first move, dont make it ! be smart let the boys do the work beilve me I am a man I know how our brain works!
77evergone77
That sucks stright up! why do you say you wont ever have a bf? where does that come from?
Guess Shrewsbury boys are just lazy then. And everybody keeps telling me to wait for uni. But that seems a bloody long way away right now. Hsve another 2 years at college first, for a start.
Yeah. It does.
I won’t have one cuz I can’t see anyone every liking me. I don’t even like me. Everything from my looks to my personality has no plac competing in my town. I look older than I am and act it most of the time. The guy I like has been just a friend for two years. I think that’s proof enough. I’ve even dropped a few hints in desperation but it’s pretty damn obvious.
Hannah you never know where you meet that special someone !
I will tell you the true story of how I met my ex,
I just moved here from Canterbury, I knew this chap, that I only had met twice in my life,
then one day he calls me tells me he is in luxembourg for 4 hours with some firends and ask me to meet them, I am like no way I am busy after 10 minutes haggleing over the phone I decide to go meet him for a minute, I show up at the train station then this girl gets off the train, love at first sight she was just a angel she was a friend of my firend I ended up spending 4 hours with her, but then she was just going through a break up she got on the train and off to belgium! I tried to llok for her 6 months! and then guess what I found her over skype and she was living in germany so I go to meet her in a party and we dated, best 7 months of my life till she ended it, but you see how random it is? do you still think you wont meet anyone?
@77evergone77
well that sucks! it really does, can you change your apearance? so you like it? change her colour? gain/loose wait? tattoo? peirecing?
I’m 13. Not much I can do. I’m trying now and am being judged by my family for it. So it’s done almost nothing. 🙁
Now that’s romantic. Why did she end it?
77evergone77
I am not going to pull that age crap on you, but you are still 3 years away from age of consent, so might want to hang around a bit more right?
I tried the tattoo and piercing thing, by the way. Helped me for a while. I’ve got my ears done 7 times, my tongue done, my belly done, and my neck done. I had a tattoo done a few months back too and am getting my second one done on the 14th of January. Illegal yes, but it I’m going out, I’m going out in style.
Be cause I turned out to be a total tool! I drowned myself in, I ignored her , I forgot how much she means to me! I took her for granted! I dont know, you tell me, I have been trying to work it out but cant,
What is your Tatoo? you designed it yourself?
I meant to say I drowned myself in work, my start up
Wow. Is there no way she’ll have you back? That’s really sad. And I have a butterfly thing at the top of my back,. No I didn’t design it myself. I found one I liked on the internet, and then the guy changed it for me. Am getting another behind my ear.
that is cool, must be pretty, I have a tatoo on my forearm, I dont suppose you know what is a Hex Decimal code? but it is HexDEcimal.
And no she wont take me back, but it is okay, all the pain is going away soon 😀
I googled your town some pictures showed up, I miss home so bad!
I just googled your tattoo – looks interesting and slightly confusing! If you miss home so bad why don’t you come back for a bit?
HexDecimal is mainly a Alphanumeric code system where you can translate any message into code, so I designed something in HexDecimal 🙂 I realy got the Tatoo for me I didnt want anyone else to understand it hence the HexCode 🙂 Sounds a bit geeky dont it?
I cant come home for so many reasons, main being I was suppose to be in Germany with her for the holidays then everything collapsed, and now it dont matter anymore 🙂
You what I like about Tattoos? it is like this thing that is always with you to remind of you a choice you made once, I like its like your ego you cant cheat it! it is always there with you!
Yeah I get that. What’s your name, by the way?
What time are you on til by the way? Doesn’t make much difference to me – I hardly sleep anymore and it’s nice to have someone to talk to.
my name is T.a.b.a.n sorry about the dots, I cant have my name pop in google, due to my job, you might say who cares, you are ending it! yes I know but still, it will damage my start up which I am leaving to my bussiness partner
I am on, I have nothing else to do, as I said just sorting out financials, and sort out insutance that kind of stuff, it is nice to have some intelligent to talk to !
Wow ok! Are you a spy or something?
Haha, no I majored in Biometirc security and AI and my company does the same 🙂
I started it with a mate from uni 🙂
You know , no one knows about my Tattoo for instance, bussiness ethics and all that jibrish!
Very interesting. How old are you?
TP
I know I’m young but the way I think is level with how old I look.
I know It would probably be smarter to stay a while longer but it seems near impossible. I’m trying though. At least that’s something I guess.
77evergone77 – I know how you feel. People look at me and see that I’m only 17, but they don’t realise that I’m mature for my age. I always have been, and I think that’s the problem. I agree with the staying part too.
@77evergone77
I did not mean that you are young, I just meant you will hit an age soon where your body will change into something you will probably like very much, mine did!
not realy, it is boring 🙂
I am 2.5 🙂
You seemed to enjoy it before, though. To set up your company and all that? Do you mean 25? You seem way older than that. Don’t mean to offend or anything, but you seem to have a lot of experience in life.
TP and Hannah
What I mean is I look like I’m 16-18. No one really gets that I act how I look. I stopped developing 1-2years ago. This is it and I don’t really like it. But what I hate is me. As in minus the body.
I remember being so frustrated that Bo one could understand I’m not a kid. I havnt been one in a while and I can’t change the way I think on a whim.
Haha, not offended at all, if anything I take it as a compliment that you would think I have experienced of life, I guess it depends what you go through in life than you accumulate things! 🙂 but things were going good, you know in all the movies and TV serises there is this
right up idiot who works so much and forgets all about his Wife or grifriend and takes them for granted you hate them, one day I woke up and found my self to be that, and I go so disgusted I can not beilve it! How can one become like that I have no idea!
I relate entirely. This might be getting a bit deep but I developed when I was 8. So I know exactly what you mean. I feel like I ahve been the adult in our house for a long time, and I can’t see that changing anytime soon.
I can sort of relate that to my mum. It’s sort of the same situation. I feel she takes us for granted and wish she’s wake up like you did??
well sometimes it is too late isnt it? I mean I worked to support a dream house, big car all that is supposed to come the expeinsive life here for her but in reality all she wanted was me and I was not there! How can anyone do this!
Bloody hell. You’re gonna set me off again in a minute. I can’t believe she won’t have you back. Does she know how bad you’re feeling right now? How long were you together?
If you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s fine.
Sorry, I did not mean to get you upset too, I think I made it evident to her in a dozen emails and voicemails and couple of drunk dials you know the whole nine yards, We were together for only 7 months
You haven’t upset me, don’t worry. Wow, don’t really know what to say. Is there no way you can move on from her?
I might be back soon but something just happened and it triggered me big time. I feel like I’m gonna fall apart. I really wanna cut. 🙁
What happened?
It is not just her is it? it is who I became that I can not live with, disgusts me. I was such a romantic, I lived to give my GF foot rub and then what I became!
@77evergone77
Calm down, how do you cut yourself? are yout trying to off yourself or just induce pain?
I can understand that. And you seem like the romantic type. Can you not go back to that person?
I just dont know how anymore, the realization was such a trauma. Honestly just want the pain and the voice in my head cursing me to stop.
Is that your big problem, then? That you hate yourself?
It is by parts that self hatred, it is nothing new, Unfortunalty It has been with me for the past couple of years and now this, hurting some one so sensitive so delicate just breaks the camels back !
Do you ever think that everybody on this website is screwed? I just feel like we all have so many problems, it hurts your head just thinking about what some people have been through. I used to look at suicide and wonder how anybody could be driven that far. And I used to look at self harm and think it was a waste of time. But now I understand. I have been thinking for a while that depression only ever seems to hit nice people.
depression hits the ones that are above average are decent enough to not harm others including the source of pain hence you end up harming yourself!
I am sory to drag you into my weired world!
Do you want to see my tattoo? I have never showed it to anyone 🙂
I would love to see your tattoo.
haha okay, you have an email?
I do, but don’t laugh at my address. My ex-friend set it up for me when I was like 10, and I could never be assed to set up a new account. It’s xxhannahluvsulolxx@hotmail.co.uk.
Haha mine is worse, although this is my pseudo account as I dont have secure access to my main emial from where I am right now, image coming right up!
Very cool. Still don’t understand the whole code thing. Will have to research it, sounds interesting.
but you are so right about talking here I get the distinct feeling of sincerity and care!
Hello again. Sorry I left randomly. Something came up and it caught me off guard when it shouldn’t have.
Hi what came up?
well it is simply character replacement
http://www.swingnote.com/tools/texttohex.php
you can test it up there, I just had this strange feeling of finally showing someone the damn thing! 🙂
yeah what happend to you?
Check your email
I got a call from my friend. She’s drunk again. She was freaking out because something happened between her and this guy shes practically in love with. She was talking about dying and at one point quoted something I once wrote and sent to her. Then in all her drunkenness she starts talkin about me and the guy I really like. Saying stuff like how could I not do anything about it an be kind of stupid and not get him and stuff.
And of course I end up thinking about stuff I should and she hung up cuz my Sis walked in and started to insult me for almost no reason.
I wish I could duct tape her mouth shut. Why does she have to know exactly what will hurt me?
wow so cool!!! you have great taste I can see! yours is much cooler than mine!
@77evergone77
so sorry! this sucks I hope you get though it just calm down and try to recoup
Thanks, and not really. Yours seem to have more meaning than mine. Did yours hurt? Mine didn’t. Giggled my way through mine. Think my ear one might hurt, though. Still, physical pain is good, I suppose. Beats mental pain anytime.
haha, hell I will take phyical pain over mental pain anytime! no it did not hurt but the german dude who was doing was cursing all the way through it, something about me moving my hand and him hating the desigen, my german is not really good, But persoanlly I think the ear thing will be very hot! what colour is your hair, will you match it with your hair color?
@TP
Its a little late. I already cut and everything. And to your question a while ago. I use a blade I took out of a sharpener and usually do mi hips and other less noticeable places.
Well, just been to the loo and can hear snoring coming from my mum’s room so they have obviously gone to bed. Thank god.
Never thought about my hips. I was doing some research before and it said the hips were a common place. I usually do my belly or my arm.
My hair’s like a blondy-browny colour. Am changing the colour of that tattoo. Am going to have it like a really dark purple. I lied the blue but my butterfly was blue, so I wanted it to be different.
hannah do you cut yourself too?
@77evergone77
I am so sorry, hope you dont need medical attention.
Yeah, occasionally. Getting more frequent though. Just gives you a break for a second.
puprle will look great I reckon, do you mean your hair colour is ash blond? what do you have in mind next? my hair is black I have never died it in my life! I suppose stright bloke wont die their hair!
I have never cut myself, how does it feel?
Hannah
So far no ones checked or seen my hips. I stay inside the tan lines so I can still wear bikinis. Another place is the underside of your boobs. NO ONE looks there. I’ve only done that once or twice because my parents were starting to suspect a little.
Many straight blokes dye their hair! Yeah sort of ash blonde. Bit of a shitty colour really, but don’t want to dye it.
Thanks, 77evergone77, I’ll think about that next time. My mum saw my arm last week, but managed to say the rabbit scratched me. Think she bought it.
hehe, then I must be too old school, btw ash blond is an awome colour dont go about trashing such awsome colour! You know it is the most natural of blond palette
You’ve never cut yourself? Really? Can’t believe you’re considering suicide before you’ve even cut yourself. I love it because all that mental pain just goes away because all you can think about it the physical pain. I also love the control side of it – like no one can stop you, if you know what I mean? Just takes away some stress I suppose.
@TP
I’ll be fine. I’ve done worse on school days. As long as I can somehow keep myself from doing more I don’t think I’m danger of passing out or anything.
Don’t cut. It makes it harder not to kill yourself somtimes
The most common and boring more like! Would have loved to of had black hair like yours, but don’t think it would suit me anyway.
Hannah.
I agree with what you said.
And also. I try to never cut my arms. I use to do that bone that juts out of your wrist but my mom noticed. It was horrible. At one point I cut the underside of my chin.
hannah, the way you decribe it, it sunds rather a pleasing exprince than what it is suppose to be, a grousome picture I had, but I guess I will pass on that, you cut your arms? how? how do you not pass out or die? and that part about control is very intriguing
why do you think blck hair wont suit you? Do you have dark or light skin? it goes both ways though!
I’ve used a lot of things. Scissors, knives, my razor. Anything sharp really. I don’t pass out or die because I don’t do it enough or make the cuts that deep. I don’t want scars or anything, but the pain is nice.
@TP
You can control what’s happening whn you cut. Because it’s all intentional. It’s you doing it. You control whether you live or die or pass out. You control pretty much every aspect. Depth, length, place, Ect.
I don’t advise you todo it buy I’m on the same page as Hannah. I love it and hate it. Cuz I also use it as self punishment most of the time.
wow, This cutting thing is so out of this world to me, and you are right here I am writing up my will, and I still am surprised by the image of you cutting yourelf! how do you stop the pain? I mean the physicall pain?
I have quite light skin, I suppose. And I think the control thing is what I like best about the whole suicide thing. No matter how bad it gets, you can always just kill yourself at the end of the day. Nobody can stop you, really. I feel like in my life it’s the only thing I can control.
77evergone77
what do you punish yourself for?
Hannah
Sometimes if I really don’t want too much blood or scars il take a pin it needle and prick myself or push it in. Hurts enough.
I like the physical pain, that’s the whole point in doing it. The longer it lasts, the better. I can’t believe you’re writing your will. That’s really sad. Guess you’re really serious and won’t change your mind??
I’ve hear people use pins, will try that next time. Have you got scars?
@TP
I hate myself. Everything wrong is my fault one way or another. I blame me for my friend drinking and fir never stopping her cutting. Ect.
There’s so much thats happened that I know is my fault. Like if I wasn’t alive things would be so much better. I should just die.
well the light skin goes good with black so you can try it, and you are right about control, although I have employees working for me so I have some control over them 🙂 but I can see where that comes from, it is like a mental saftey switch, I am a responsible person if I do not prepare a wi my partner will be left with nothing, I just cant bear seeing me hurt an other peron, of course talking to you here makes me feel better but it is a matter of time before all the drak thoughts take over!
77evergone77 – Bloody hell, everything you write could have been posted by me. Are you from the UK?
77evergone77
hating yourself is one thing but thing being better if youwere not born I DONT think so!
Most of them faded well enough. There’s some on my right leg to the left and below my knee theres a group of them that hasn’t healed yet. They were really deep. I don’t like thinking about the day I did that and the days after when I reopened the cuts.
Well, I feel sorry for your employees then!! I know what you mean about the mental safety switch, that’s a good way of putting it actually. Could you not give living another chance??
I don’t know. Somebody posted on here once that they didn’t want to die, they just wished they’d never been born. And that has summed up my life for a long time.
Hannah.
Sorry no. I wish I was though.
TP
You may not think do but I know so. I don’t feel I deserve life. There’s no way I can earn it. I’m a waste of resources
Ok where you from?
Sorry, I was making a late call, Honestly, I dont think at athe current state, I would have just gone through if I was not stuck in Berlin visiting a client.
I will catch a flight on tuesday morning to Luxembourg and then peace 🙂
where is who from?
America
I was asking where 77evergone77 was from. I’d hate to live in America. Don’t know why. Just has never appealed to me. On saying that, the UK isn’t much better.
hey if yall want to know i am back
well you may say that about UK but, wait till you live outside of it, mainland europe is a jungle!
Hannah
Haha. I guess location doesn’t really matter. No where would be very appealing if you just wanted to die. On the other hand I usually feel a little better when I’m away from here.
I dated a girl from US she used to tell me horror storied about there for some reason
holy fuck 207 comments damn that the most i have seen WOW
Don’t think I’d ever be brave enough to leave the UK. Especially not by myself.
Life sucks
Glad your back. I missed you. 🙂
I know it’s impressive isn’t it??
HANNA i love to get out of this house i so know what u mean
i hate coming back
77evergone77
thanks i was wondering how this convo was going
hey can i tell u all something
Well as you can see, this conversation got long.
Life sucks
It’s been pretty good. Left for a bit. Not sure what happens durin then cuz I never checked
welcome back mate,
Hannah, on the contrary I guess you have it in you to travel, you seem, smart enough! but where ever you go you will miss home like crazy, Just to be n the pub with my mates eating sundy roast
Yeah you can tell us something. We’ve been through it all tonight anyway.
Life sucks
What is it?
Ah, you see never really liked Sunday roasts. Don’t know what I’d miss about home. Certainly not the weather.
really no roast? what are you into? at least back home the weather is constant I am not sure how is it up there in the west midlands, Never left the south before I left, how is it there?
It’s rainy and horrible. Doesn’t really help your mood when all it does it rain. Do you mean food-wise?
yeah, food but feel free to share if there is anything else of interest to you in life 🙂 and btw this is home to me: http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CBsQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.haslemere.com%2F&ei=A-gfTZynJcW08QPXhKiRBQ&usg=AFQjCNHU8aX7j1MDg3UnHPZvQMZQlAHfIg
haha um ok out of the blue
i dont want to distract yall from what yall are talking about but i realizes today that i am like a fish out of water again
when i was laugh i was like i am not really happy again and i have to fake it again
and that one out of two sisters i am really close with that she said a wile ago that i put her brain on coackain and we have lots of fun together and shes only like that when its just me and her
so if i died i will take her happness (well some of it) away and idk if i could do that
i know my deppresion is coming back and this time its going to be bad
its raining hear and it sucks ass
I know what you mean about acting. It kills me having to act. I just want to scream at people and lock myself in my room all the time. Me and paul have to go out for a bit tomorrow by ourselves and am dreading it. Big acting session coming on there, I can see.
Don’t know about depression going and then coming back. Have never had a break from it myself. What has triggered it again?
why do you have to act with paul? why cant you be you then? I mean you reckon he is going tobe such an ass that you have to act?
I dunno really. That is a good question. Part of me wants him to know – seems the right thing to do if he’s serious about my mum. The other part of me doesn’t want him to know. He asks so many questions that is the problem and sometimes you just want him to shut up!! That make any sense to you?
um what might have triggered it this time is that i miss mom and theres no one really to talk about it
I can’t imagine not having my mum around. I hate her like mad at the minute, but can’t imagine her really not being here. That is tough. You can talk about it here anytime and we will try to understand.
mate that is tough, do you have like an aunt or a grandma from her side?
@ TP – I’m sort of like you I guess, to. I don’t really know who I am anymore. I feel like I’ve got swallowed up by all this depressing crap and can’t find my way out again. Part of me doessn’t want to, and like you, is happy just to find peace.
how long do paul and your mom know each other? how about your mom, is she serious about him?
About 3 months, unless she lied about that too. And yes, I think she is deadly serious about him. All she ever talks about if bloody paul.
ya i just want to learn stuff about her all i really know is her day molested her and she became a alcholic and left us well more like we left her
but i found out so much about her after sh died and it kills me that i am sometimes still cryn myself to sleep
That’s awful. Sort of puts my issues into perspective, I guess.
i really have no contact with that side of the family
i feel like they hate us
well i will get off and let yall talk more yall seam to have talk a lot
may be he is serious? I mean you are spending a day with him right? so he might be trying to apeal to you to get on your good side? is there a chance of that? what does the paul charchter o anyway?
I think he’s serious but don’t really want to know him at the minute. And believe me he tried all day. That’s why I feel like a *****. I think he drives lorries or something, don’t really know, or care if I’m honest.
dont be to hard on yourself hannah,just got to et yourself get there.
take a liitle by little, you will get there.
That bit of advice goes both ways.
Touché Hannah! 🙂
o sorry last thing the guy i cant remeber which one did he post up what he was going to post up
do any of yall know
btw Bloody germans are still in the street drunk and screaming, and they give bad name to brits for drinking!
Maybe. You sure you’re not bored of me yet?
@life sucks thin u di
why dont you have any contact whith that side?
@Life Sucks
Who?
Haha, why do you say that?
because they dont get us (my sisters)
and its so hard to be around them
I don’t know. We’ve been talking for like 5 hours now. Just checking you don’t want me to leave you alone. Most people would be screaming at me already.
Sorry. I left for a bit. Back now.
idk i was talking to him earler on hear and they said they were about to post something and i said it would be great that i would reed it
so if i didnt and they did post it up i would be a ***** not to reed it
@Hannah
I can’t see you ever getting boring!!!
ya hannah i like talking to u to
i just saw yall were talking a lot with out me so i was like
ok i need to leave them alone
Hannah Honeslty talking to you is very nice, and why would anyone scream at you in their right mind? I will have all the alone time I want soon so no I am good! You tell me something though do you take care of your brother?
Life sucks
I think that was me. Idk.
I did put something up but it’s not what I was gonna put up. I’m still thinking on it.
@life sucks thin u die
what is it that they dont get buddy?
o ok well if you do let me know i really would reed it
Oh, I know who you mean. Holy fuck we’ve got a lot of comments. Was trying to find his name but couldn’t.
o yall i know my names long so u can call me sucks i guess
someone else on hear does
or what ever
ya like around 256 probly i havent check in a wile
I try to look after my brother but I feel like he hates me too, because I’m being such a ***** with everyone else.
Nvm wasn’t me I dnt thnk.
ya it was u i just looked u dont have if u dont want to i just thought it would be good for u
i am think of right a post on how shitty i feel right now
cuz no one is really talking to me
Hannah why would he hate you? brothers normaly dont hate their sister, they have some latent jealously and some problem with authority so it might be the fact that he is teenager trying to prove himslef to you by being a littly arsy!
@sucks
Id love to talk to you.
I’ll put it up soon. I posted 3 other thins today but they didn’t really say much. I thnk you commented on a poem.
A little?? Seriously, you should meet the little runt. I dunno, he was never this bad before. He hardly speaks to me now.
haha thanks
honestly i would want to have two convos going on in one post that would get really cofusing haha
It’s confusing already.
hannah that is how i was with my sisters
it will get better trust me
he will want u around
When exactly? He’s running out of time.
my bad
who your brother
How old is he you say?
yep my brother is running out of time, if he wants to get to know me again.
He’s 13 next Friday.
o ok i was think of something else
well stay around dont cut ppl short
well i hope he has a great b-day
I am trying to stick around. So hard. But I feel like it’s a battle I’m slowly losing. Everyday I wake up and I just want to die. I’m starting to get other things too. Like hallucinations and stuff. I feel like I’m drunk all the time, even though I haven’t been drinking – like things are in slow motion. I’m dizzy all the time and feel like I’m going to pass out a lot of the time. Anyone else get that? I think it’s just me going mad
that is like the messed up age for boys! He has just discovered his thing if you know what I mean, he is trying to find himself and is rebeling ! Having said that doesnt give him the right to be a prat or mean you have to put up with her.
with him I meant
i had some of that and it slowly whent away
hannah are taking any drugs?
How slow are we talking cos I feel like I am going insane?
i know u didnt ask me but i od sometimes and i get dizzy
No I am not taking drugs. I take it you don’t get any of that then?
Hannah
I don’t think your going mad.
i had the drunk dizzy and slow motion even when i dont od
77evergone77 – Really? You get any of that?
not really, it is quit unusual, and I did not realize you have the urge to end yourself this badly too, how long have you felt like this?
I get it sometimes. Sometimes i get stabs of pain. Like someone tool a scalding hot knife and stabbed me. Horrible.
77evergone77
i thought the pain part was only me
i had pain so badly where i could not move
Yeah, do you get that pain in your head? Well, I am unusual. And yes, it is that bad. Have never been really happy I don’t think, but this last year has been hell.
what you guys describing is not normal is it possible these are result of self harm?
i get mine every where
foot
arms
legs
back
stomoch
nes
and one hand
Sucks
Really? I don’t get it as much anymore but a few times I fell or collapsed. One time I fell down the stairs. Thank god I don’t get it that much anymore. Only small pains that boil up slowly and roll around and simmer down
Oh, Mr ‘up-on-self-harm’ now are we??? Have you been googling again?? No, I don’t think so. Have been harming for a while and all this shit has only been really the last two weeks. Feel like it’s my body shutting down or something.
i had mine b4 i would cut mine whent away when i took tylonla for my surgery but it came back now
i have herd of it from very few ppl
I had it b4 SH’ing too.
Never really thought it was anything though.
No, I only get it in my head. And it isn’t like a stabbing pain. More like a dull headache that will not go away. Have got so many thoughts continually rolling round my head. I’m like a living washing machine, or something.
Oh I did not mean that way, buy these symptoms you describe are physcial, I have had morbid intentions for better part of my twenties but it has always been mental suffering to the point I tried to hit my head to the wall, that is the extent! but feeling dizzy is beyond the mental suffering
really i remember being out with some friends and i could not move until i hit the floor but now that i think of it is not that bad latly i just have sharp pain where it feels like a knife is going threw my foot of david just pushed me down
Yep, I have tried hitting my head just to shut up my mind. Believe me, it didn’t work. Like I said, am coming round to the idea that my body is giving up on me and trying to get me to end it. I feel like I have been mentally dead for a long time, and my body just wants to die too. If that makes any sense??
now this part makes sense, I am there with you, but how did you got here ?
I just got one. Like where my heart is. I usually get them
In my sides. Sometimes stomach.
I don’t know really. Just little issues have got way out of hand. I guess I wasn’t really suited to life.
@77evergone77 – You sure you’re not having a heart attack or something?
me either i think life is great for some ppl
but i really dont see a point in it
Hannah
You took the words right out of my mouth. Except so
Times things go up and I feel like I might her better then it all crashed. Why won’t anyone catch me? I just keepfalling til I hit the ground hard.
I dont agree with not being suited for life, that does not mean you should be more optmistic but just think if there is any other way of stoping the pain wel That would be more preferable.
Know what you mean.
It would be preferrable yes. What do you suggest?
oh, wrong person perhaps , but well may be you find a person you can relate to, recive upport and affection from that person instead untill the person you wanted the support fronm intially comes to her senses
Hannah.
I think I’m a little young for one of those. It’s happened before. They just hurt like shit and I cnt really move a lot for a bit. But there’s nothing wrong with my heart. I hope I don get more anywhere else.
I guess tonights not gonna end well. Hopefully i won’t SH in my sleep again (it seriously happens)
I have tried to kill myself like 5 times already. I drank half a bottle of vodka on christmas night and passed out in the bath. Hoping to drown, I guess. That was my last attempt. Always seem to get caught before it finally happens. My mum has removed bleach, scissors (apart from the pair that I hid), knives, all medication, and a shit load of other stuff from the house. She has it all stashed somewhere but can’t find it.
i would hut my self in my sleep to wow
i must say ever time i say si no one understands it
Who’s the wrong person? Sorry am being stupid again.
haha i am the best finder
i can find it for u haha
5 times, commendable for presistance! what were the other ones?
No trust me I have looked everywhere. I think she ate it or something.
i am the wrong person to ask! imeant
haha are u sure i ones found a catterpiller from me sitting at my dest and it was between two book selfs
I tried to overdose loads of times – have lost count. Have tried passing out in the bath before as well. Guess I never drink enough.
Oh I see thanks for clearing that up. I dunno about that, you’ve been very helpful tonight.
@sucks
You too? I sometimes wake up with bruises and cuts from scratching and stuff. I can’t control it and it scares me a little. One time I had to bleach my sheets cuz of blood.
are you planing to do it agian? overdose is the worst tyope of suicide ! dangerous and back fires badly, do your school mates know you tried to end yourslef?
well i had my plain to die years ago but something happened so it didnt happened
but when my sister put a gun to me i wish she pulled the triger
@evergone
you cut yourself with you knowing?
Yep I know. I researched everything in the end. And no only my mum knows. I think my friends would freak if I told them. About doing it again, I don’t know. I want to, all the time. I’m scared to die, but I think I’m scared to live more.
sister put a gun to you? jesus
@TP and Hannah
I’d hate to lose either of you.
On a side note
My hips friggin hurt. Hannah. If you ever do your hips. Don’t do both a lot at the same time or deep cuz it will bother you to walk in jeans or jeggings!!
hannah this coming from me may sound ridicloouse, but may be you ought to live? you are very smart and dynamic when you are not bleeding 🙂
Wish someone would put a bloody gun on me. Christ I would kill for a gun. That would be my favourite method. Have even looked at how to get hold of a gun, but you always have to have a liscense and be over 18, and stuff.
Don’t you like it though? When it hurts after?
u cant get a gun a gun in uk, plus you cant kill yourslef with a gun, you need extremly strong muscles to make sure you dont just shoot a part of your face!
Drowning it is then. If it goes that far.
@TP
No. I don’t exactly cut. I scratch until the skins raw or i bleed and I bruise myself. Cant say exactly what happens. I only know the damage when I wake up. Havnt done it in a while. It sucks when it’s doubled with my almost nightly nightterrors.
ya i cut away and some times i wake up with blood on my sheets to
i love it when it hurts to hannah93
Hannah you are presistnent I give you that, so how about this vet thing, which unis you have in mind anyways?
o to anwser u yes she pointed a gun to my head one time
@Hannah
I do and don’t. I like the pain. Dislike the limping. Causes too much attention and then I have to make up excuses and stuff. But usually if I do both the pain evens it out so the limp is less noticeable.
Yeah, I don’t exactly cut either. I tend to get my scissors and just sort of scratch away. I snip away at my skin sometimes too. Can’t really do much with a pair of bloody scissors can you? Have only got my razor other than them. Got a bit excited in the bath the other night and nearly ripped my nail off. Don’t know what I did. You should’ve seen my mum’s face when I went down.
Thanks, I guess. Persistent is good?? Was thinking Liverpool? My stepmum lives in Liverpool so I could stay with her.
why she pu a gun to your head? r u in US?
@sucks
I don’t like not knowing what happened. There are times when the night before is a blackout. I can’t remember what happened. What I did. I have no control and it scares me a little. But the pains kind of comforting. And it helps when I go back into hating myself cuz of self punishment like I said before
I like presistant and am presisitant, Liverpool is amazing Uni!! awesome city too! how about south you thought any uni there? may be just living on your own when you move to uni?
okay stupid question, do you lot put salt on your wound to make it hurt more? or pinch it too?
I know what you mean it’s like a vicous cycle, isn’t it?
um dad handed it to her and she was like amber look and pointed it at me loaded and dad fliped out
and ya i dont drink so i dont black out
cuz i hate not knowing
Have never tried salt but yeah I sort of poke it a bit to make it hurt more. Why, are you considering it?
Have sort of had enough of being on my own, actually.
@TP
Rarely. Sometimes lemon
Lemon sounds interesting. Does it not bother anyone else here how fucked up we all are??
no just, popped it to my mind, I dont think I would consider cuting not aoealing to me yet. But Kudos to you for being brave enough to do it
haha, we are a bounch of headcases!
Says him who’s just sat there an written out his will!! How’s all that going, by the way??
a guy just fb me and said it was strang haha
but i should try salt and lemon i just run hot water over them
wow i so want to start again
@suck
But it happened those times without any alcohol.
I’ll be back. If I’m unlucky Itll be with more cuts. A friend just texted. It’s not good. 🙁
See ya in a bit
@77evergone77 – See you in a bit. Good luck
well endding it is being chicken! it is done, just finishing u good bye letters
having said that talking to you made me feel much better makes it harder to write morbid letters but the flahsbacks help!
No, don’t start again. and what was strange??
@ife sucks thin u die Says
u are on fb? r u in US? why ur dad gave ur sister a weapon?
u talk to me
Yeah, well, I wish you wouldn’t. And I don’t think ending it is chicken. Not by a long way. If I’d been as brave as you I wouldn’t be here right now, keping you up.
What flashbacks?? I thought you didn’t get any of that??
@77evergone77
carefull with whatever you do!
do say you are not brave, I think standing up to your demons is, and by flahsback I mean remembering monets of me being a jerk, volnrty flahsbacks to an earlier time nothing out of the ordinary
yes yes and she wanted to hole it a
and i know i shouldnt but i want to so badly i had to quit cuz of my job but now i just wont say anything
I see. Can’t imagine you being a jerk somehow.
why can you not?
I don’t know. You just seem way too nice.
We’re on like 370 comments now, by the way. I didn’t think anyone would even reply, so thanks, I guess.
cuz my boss said i would louse my job if i did it
i whent to him for help
did work
Haha good to hear that, I certainly did not violate anyone but ignored them and I thought I am doing in good faith and for their own sake! turns out I am wrong
370 comments is good, well, good company goes a long way!
yup wow this is longas crap
hannah how come you are not falling sleep?
Maybe, but it’s not too late to try and put it right?? Thanks about the company part, that means a lot. What are you doing now?
Not tired. As I said, don’t really sleep much any more. I was really tired bout two hours ago but have gone past it now. Are you tired?
haha i am freaking out
right now, I made myself tea, and am talking to you 🙂 all else is done.
@life sucks thin u die
y mate?
Tea??
me, not really, not tired yet. plus the Germans just stopped shouting!
and I meant it about the company part, you are such a nice person, such a shame you are in such distress
tea is good
and cuz i am talking to yall and someone on my email
and on fb and on my phone
yes tea, what is wrong with that, cant always drink whiskey 🙂
Right back at you. And sucks, please don’t moan about being popular. Would love to know how that feels someday.
I’m back again.
Don’t like tea, more of a coffee person.
haha it from ppl on hear i am far from popular
i really dont want to be
77evergone77 – what happened this time? Have you cut again?
plz dont tell me u did that
everytime i hear that it makes me want to do it so fucking badly
popular? what do you mean? Coffee is too bitter! Not the best taste at this hour! but Hannah, tell me something more about you, though,
this is all I know about you
Smart, not fat :D,highschooler, wants to be vet, sweet personality,cares about her family, like pain.
Exactly tea is too weak? If you’re gonna drink, might as well be able to taste it! What do you want to know?
@Hannah
This guy is trying to use my friend who already has it hard. She knotweed to rant a kittle and some advice and stuff.
And yeah, I did. I was probably gonna do it anyway. I’ve been trying to write again but since what happened it’s ruined. I can’t seem to get anything out anymore. It’s killing me
I dont know, what comes to your mind first, what do you know of you?
wow my head hurt so badly now
Sorry sucks
I wanted to cut before we all starrted chatting. I wanted to cut my bloody head off. Feel a it better now, I think?
Don’t know you basically summed it up with your list. Good memory, by the way. Nice to know someone listens.
Really, so the conversation stoped you from cutting your body?
Hannah tell me about your ambitions and stuff, like what is that you want to do most,
I guess. Suppose it distracted me for long enough and I sort of forgot about it. It’s like an addiction at the end of the day, a little vicious cycle that goes round and round.
Hannah
I’m glad you didn’t cut
My ambitions? Don’t have many. Would love to have my own horse someday if that counts? Bit sad, i know.
me to i am glad u didnt
Did you cut your hips again? Bet you’re in agony now?
at the risk of sounding stuffy you know you may have exposed yourself to addiction to endorphin,
Yeah, but at the end of the day is addiction not better then death? Because without cutting, I probably wouldn’t be here now.
Yeah. I also did on my side right where my bra strap would cover. And not really. I don’t feel it as much anymore. A nice throbbing. I guess it’s numbing.
I was about to say something but I forgot…….
well, if that gets you through then it is what you got to do, one thing I said at the beginning was that I hated being told not do it, so I wont tell you do it or not just trying to offer my insight, I personally dont see anything wrong with cutting as long as you are carefull, you metioned pins, but that wont be cutting!
Ow. Shit, that’s gonna hurt when you put your bra on!! Yeah, throbbing is nice too.
No, but would still hurt like hell if you shoved them in the right places, i guess.
and is that goood?
I know am really trying hard not to tell you to chnage your mind. Doesn’t seem right somehow.
what doesnt seem right?
Is what good? Shoving pins in you. Don’t know haven’t tried it yet. Shall I try and let you know?
hey sorry yall it just got a really bad urge to cut so i might get off now
It doesn’t seem right that another nice person is planning to leave.
no no please dont, honesly I am really trying to imagine the cutting and pricking thing in my head still cant!
@TP
I don’t think im addicted to endorphins.
Sand cutting does get me through. I think I’m careful
Enough.
@Hannah
At least the pain will le me
Know I’m still alive. I’ll decide from there whether or not it’s good.
Right now I’m relishing that I can feel something. I was so numb. Apathetic and tired.
The blood looks kinds pretty
No sucks, don’t cut. It never solves anything really. God, I feel like we’re at a sex addicts meeting or something.
well, its like milk isnt it? the crappy uht ones last a year the good golden top full fat ones 3 days max! good things expire fast! aside from the joke, the last month I felt so alone and hated my slef not one word of encourgment from anyone, and finaly I manged to make a plan, it is horrible going back to living as if nothing happened!
Sucks
I’m sorry. Was that me? Don’t go back to doing this. Please.
sex addicts? is there such a thing?
77evergone77
it hurts to think of it
Apparently.
haha well idk
yes there are a few have come to me
one fron hear
I thought we all just like and enjoy sex? what is not to like ! how can you be addicted though!!!
Could you not at least try and go back to living?? Who’s gonna listen to me rambling on for 7 hours after Tuesday?
TP
I’m sorry. Erm. Should shut up now?…… o.o
I’m not addicted to sex. It was just an example of a meeting, where people go and talk about their addictions. And when one person gives in, everybody gives in.
77evergone77
please dont
Sucks
Wasn’t tiger woods one? Lol.
They exist. Little nymphos.
77evergone77 – How much blood is there??
yup he was thanks got i am tto young for him
TP
You sure?
Hannah
Haha. So I guess I’m the cataclyst. The one who gave in.
Hannah, no worries we can talk till then, and something will happen 🙂
77evergone77 – Yeah I guess you are. What’s your name, by the way?
Hannah.
I’ll be fine.
Sucks
Haha. Same here. I’d hate to be anywhere near that guy!
You still enjoying your tea? Am gonna go get some coke I think. The drink, not the drug, I hasten to add!
Yes had my tea and biscuit! Go get your coke then 🙂
Hannah
Sorry. I wish I could tell you but I can’t. If I did then my thoughts would go flying and sooner or later I’ll get a panic attack and freak every time the doorbell rings and eventually loose it. My name isn’t very common. My biggest fear is having someone tell. Having someone who for some reason or other gets me baker acted. I would actually rather die.
Don’t take it the wrong way though. I can give you my pen name though. My pseudonym.
No, I understand completely. Just seems a bit impersonal, that’s all.
Oh. Well you can call me Sage (there are two other sites I’m a part of but don’t really go On as much anymore. On one people just calls me sage.)
Well I guess we have to respect her wish for her anonymouty
And no not sage as in wise person. It was just part of my username thingy
Yep, Sage is good anyway.
ok i am confused but thats ok haha
wow these urges are freaking crazy
i really wish that i never stoped
Just don’t start again. Go get a cup of tea or something.
Hannah.
Okay 🙂 haha
Sucks
Resist. Please don’t give in like me. Don’t go back.
i dont have any hear
i wish i did idk i am looking for my razors ugh
Don’t look for your razors. Has anyone tried burning by the way? Random, I know. But that’s me.
i have one b4 e77evergone77
Obviously not me, have you? btw you have not cut yourself yet have you?
Sucks.
Please stop. Don’t cut. You stopped before it’ll be no good to start again! I feel horrible now 🙁
Shouldn’t have brought it up or talked about doing it tonight.
I burned a couple times. I did and still
Sometime do a lot of stuff.
Yeah, cigarrettes do have a good use, after all.
Hannah do you smoke? did it hurt?
No, I don’t smoke. Well, occasionally. It hurt yeah, but not as good as cutting I didn’t think.
it wasnt u i have wanted for a wile now i jiust want to so badly ireally dont see whats keeping me from doing it
dont feel bad
“as good” that is such a trange adjective for this subject!
Hopefully, we’re keeping you from doing it. I hope it wasn’t me either cos I’ve been banging on about it all night.
Why is it strange?
I like sticking my fingers into hot wax. It’s fun.
And I still have a mark on my tummy. I pressed a iron to it while ironing a shirt. Then I was making stained glass u purposely kept hurting myself with the sodding iron and metals and getting cut by the glass
Hot wax I’ve done that two. That hurts like mad but it doesn’t last long enough. It is quite fun too, cos you get to pick it all off afterwards. Bloody hell, bet the iron hurt! Don’t think even I could go that far!
good and pain normally dont go together !
it wasnt yall i just really want to do it and i want someoe to say ok go do it
i know this deppresion is coing back and its going to be hard ]
Sucks
It’s hard not to feel bad.
Old don’t. Just keep pushing through. You can’t do it cuz of your job so don’t. Please. I don’t want anyone else to have to do this tonight
I suppose they don’t to normal people. Depends what kind of pain you’re talking about though.
Hanna.
There’s a hole in one of my shirts. It’s lined with the sod now. Lol. (sod is like a solve metal that melts fast and cools fast. It’s what is used in some stained glass stuff.
Idk why but somehow I feel tempted to go all the way tonight.
You are right, It is too unreal this experience, talking to you and decision I made and all the stuff around me. I guess this is a new thing, smehow I wish I met you a bit earleir
Oh no please don’t. I can’t take another one of you leaving.
You are right, It is too unreal this experience, talking to you and decision I made and all the stuff around me. I guess this is a new thing, smehow I wish I met you a bit earleir .
Me too.
77evergone77
no way youare 13 you know more than a 13 year old, te tan line you mentioned and all that you can not be 13
Hanna I promise I will try. It’s just…tempting. Knowing it’s right there.
really? why do you reckon?
I know it’s tempting. Have had a bottle of vodka up here all night.
bottlE of vodka? what for?
TP
I’m on this site cuz I wanted to die and needed hope. You’d really think I’d lie?! It’s only typical I’d know more. It’s the only way to fuck someone up this fast. Overexposure extremely early. Either that or screw up their childhood in one of the many ways. I am the age I am. It’s a fucking number. It has nothing to do with how I act
Hannah.
I Won’t if you don’t. Well stick Together. You me TP and sucks.
TP – I already told you what for.
Sage – I agree with the overexposure part. I also know your frustaration at being only 13. I was always very mature for my age. I just wish people on here would take a minute to think.
That sounds like a nice plan, everybody needs to help each other, right?
hannah I googled cutting body girls depression and this came up
http://img124.imageshack.us/i/appletattoobloodhz7.jpg/sr=1
!!!!!!!
oh the drowning thing, well hope you wont!
Not right now no! Wanted to before though.
77evergone77
have youby chance been abused by family as well?
Hannah
Yeah. 🙂
Owieee. You know how a cramp feels? I have one but wrong time. It so annoying! >.<
Maybe if you guys are lucky like Violet Blake you'll get to see my immature side and my philosophical side. Lol. Right now I'm somewhere in the middle. Not sure. At least I'm not as numb anymore. 🙂
TP
…define abuse…
Yeah, I had really bad tummy ache before. Has gone now.
like sexual abuse
Lucky. I’m rolling around in annoyance right now. Gahh. I almost fell of the bed(I’m on my iPod)
You can get the internet on your ipod? Cool. I am on my laptop.
GUYS I got to go meet a lawyer for breakfast in abit, it is 07:00 in the morning nearly. Hope to be able to talk you again sometimes today 🙂
wow i am cryn i am watchn a video on suicide and just cant stop cryn
Why are you annoyed?
I am on my laptop too.
TP
I’m not 100% sure. Don’t remember a lot
Of stuff. Either that or I just remember it or forgot it as a dream. But I think I wasn’t. Not sexually
OK TP, hope everything goes well. If I don’t get to speak to you again, thanks for everything and I hope you find peace whatever you choose to do.
cheers hanah 🙂
hope to talk to you guys later 🙂
i am out now
same hear tp
What video you watching?
TP
I hope so too. I’ll look out to try to see if you come on. Love ya buddy 🙂
Sucks
Why are you watching a video that could be triggering. -hug- don’t cryyy. O.O
Hannnah
The stupid cramp thingy. It’s annoying. >.< oh well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zg3fgTMSuhw&feature=related
stop teen suicide
My head has just started ringing. It’s like a continuous bell thing I get sometimes. Is driving me mad
its STOP! teenage suicide
I feel scared
I feel scared too. and sad for some reason.
why
I dunno. I feel kind shakey. Like I’m not 100% lucid now. And yeah. I feel sad too. Very sad.
I feel shaky too – think I’m tired now!! Don’t know why I feel sad just came on all of a sudden. Why are you sad?
why do u watch to video or something
I think Somone I
Know might be dead. I think I should throw out this blade and did a new one. It smells too much like blood.
I was just wondering. Just looked at one on youtube that was called that. Don’t know if it’s the same one.
dont plz
and i am sorry i know that feeling
plz dont cut
wow i want to so badly and i am saying this shit
Who might be dead?
ya i re said wht its really called
She’s not from this site. A different one. But she left a message and was upset. Now she’s gone. I hope she’s okay.
Me too
call her … maybe shes not dead i bet if call her it might keep her from doing something stupid
or txt her
Maybe she’s just gone off to think for a minute.
She’s from a site. I don’t have her #. The message was a week ago. I had responded but she never answered. She’s never waited this long before.
If I go off in a minute, don’t worry about me, I haven’t killed myself or anything…I have fallen asleep
This is killing me
Okay Hannah. Same goes for me. But I dnt thnk I can really sleep. I’m afraid I’ll do what I mentioned earlier.
i know there a guy from hear a few days ago he said heawas going to the hospital out of no where and i havent herd from him
try getting in contact with her
what site is it can i ask
Ok well don’t panic – there’s nothing you can do anyway. Give it a while, maybe she just forgot to message you back or something.
Sucks, who was the guy from on here?
i dont know if i should say
Teenhelp.org
I don’t think shed forget though. I’m trying not to panic. I really am. I can’t cut three times in a night. It’s not good. Really bad.
Is that what you’re scared of? Falling asleep and harming yourself? Have you considered getting some sleeping tablets or something?
It’s OK if you don’t want to say, was just wondering if I knew them.
Sage, please don’t cut again. You sound like you’ve done enough tonight already. She might of just give it a while and then we can all panic.
It’s not so much harming myself as it is the nightterrors. Hopefully. You guys helped enough so I cn be fine tonight. Havnt harmed in my sleep
In a while. That’s why I dnt want to tonight.
Good, I’m glad you think we helped. What time is it where you are?
I have done enough. It would be too far to do it again. And I’m glad you guys helped. It’s about 1:35AM
How about you?
wow i am in a sweet fight
omg same time hear
OK, it’s 6:40 am here have been up all night with AP.
Sucks, who you in a fight with?
guy a friend ask me to join in
Sucks & Hannah
Cool. Woah. Lol. Dizzy for a sec.
Tonight is crazy.
Sucks
Sorry. R u a girl or boy?
Tonight is crazy, you’re right there. How badly have you cut to be going dizzy??
a girl
I’m not that dizzy. And it wasn’t too much. I’ll be fine.
How are you doing?
I’m fine thanks. Just tired.
Sucks
Of so I was right 😀
Yay. Haha
haha ya
Oh okay. Do you want me to go so you can sleep?
Sucks
How old are you?
No, I’m ok. What are you doing now?
18
you can ask anything just so u know
How long has everybody been feeling this low?
well mine is just comeing back
Sucks.
Thanks. Glad to know
Hannah
I’m laying down.
I Don’t really remember when this all started. But I guess it’s prettyimilar to most. Sad first. Cutting second. Suicidal third.
Yeah, but how long before that? Do you feel worse now than you did before – now you’ve had a look at life without the depression for a while? That’s what scares me about getting better. The fact that it makes the next hit worse.
Mines sort of on an off randomly. It’s so disorienting.
I don’t remember where all this started either. Just little pathetic issues seem to have just exploded.
well mine was bad years ago but it is coming back i just know its going to bae bad
That’s interesting. I don’t know what’s worse – having it on and off, or living with it permanently, like I do. I suppose when it’s on and off, the ‘on’ times are harder to deal with, whereas you get so tired when you have it constantly.
Exactly. I know what you mean.
That’s really tough, sucks. I can’t imagine the life you’ve had.
ya i have gotten used to it
and plz dont tell i shouldnt
i really hate that
Please don’t tell what?
that i shouldnt get used to this life and all the bad things that are in it
On and off is spirit breaking. It’s like giving you hope to get better than stealing it and throwing the person bak down. Only for them to be tossed back up and fall down. Again and again. Different heights. Sometimes I feel almost normal. It hurts. Knowing whit it could be like and never being Able to truly have it
If I disappear I either passed out, fell asleep, or my iPod died
Yeah I get that. That must be hard. When you put it like that, I think you have it worse. At least if you have it constantly, you , i dunno, adapt to it, i guess.
hannah who are u talking to
sorry i slow
You keep saying pass out, and that is worrying me. You know how you feel about that girl? Please don’t make me feel that for you. I’ve got this image of you now, with blood everywhere.
Sage, I think. Anybody, really. Sorry, am so tired, I’m not really sure myself.
In the same way as it’s like getting cruely tossed around it’s also like drowning but staying alive cuz you can so
Times bob back up and take a small breath to try to survive the next deal back into the water
Hannah.
Dammit. Sorry. I truthfully was only listening to the part of my brain that says no one cares. Don’t be worried. I’ll be fine. Don’t think about blood everywhere or anything like that. I’d never do that unless I was trying to die for sure. When I’m cutting and only cutting I keep
It neat and rarely let the blood flow. So don’t be worried Hannah
good i gues u both when off
I didn’t. Guess Hannah did. If you wanna go you can. I wanna try writing one more time. Just to see if it’s really out of reach now.
i am good have to stay on i am waithing for someone
Oh okay then. So how are you feeling?
ok kinda
i was called fat in the fight so now i am not going eat tomorrow
I never went off guys, sorry. Started daydreaming.
o ok kwel haha
Sucks
I hate being called fat. Barely ate anything over the break. And I still feel like a fatass.
Hannah
It’s okay.
ya my eating disorder is like just starting
Why are girls so obsessed about being fat? In the grand scheme of things isn’t being happy more important? I feel fat all the time and I’m a size 10. It’s ridiculous really.
As long as you dont become like my friend. She hates food. Used to e bulimic but lost her gag reflex. I almost went bulimic. But then mentally slapped myself cuz I wouldn’t b able to hide it as well. Don’t develop a bad disorder. It could go too far
i know my sisters had one to
and i am doing this cuz my sister ask me to louse weight for her wedding
No idea what the difference is between US and UK sizing. Sooo yeah.
I still hate my fatass. No wait. ¡Yo no tiene in colo! Agh.
Suck
As long ad you don’t take it too far okay?
God that’s horrible. If someone asked me to lose weight, I’d have to end it. Have no self confidence as it is now.
i wont i eat one meal a day and today my other sister made me eat a hole plate i really wasnt happy
ya but its them they talk shit to me all the time
but i still love them
Hannah
Neither do I
I’m called fat and pathetic and other insults and stuff multiple times per day. It gets to be too much sometimes. No idea how I’m keeping myself from an eating disorder right now.
Good for you.
I bet you’re not even fat. If you saw someone else with your body, would you say they were fat? Honestly?
Sucks.
I know how you feel
I would say they could stand to loose a few fuckin pounds. But apparently they’re to lazy and have no fucking motivation or help. -_-
77evergone77
good dont start
honestly i dont think i will beable ro stop
and hannah i am like 170 in weight
i wouldnt say fat
Sucks, I can understand that completely. I know how you feel to have shit repeated to you time and time again. You get paranoid, don’t you?
I’m 125-127ish
Sucks
It’s hard to keep from it sometimes. Stes I can’t stop myself before my fingers are halfway down my throat it after I skipped a meal or two.
yup
i used to cut over what they would say but thin i made rules
idk y i am not a rule foller but i seam to follow thies
I’m 126, I just worked it out. Might be a good time to mention that I’m only 5 foot 2 at this point.
I’m 5ft 4in.
honestly i dont get me i cant look at big cuts
but i cut
and i cant stand to be 95 pounds but because of this wedding i want it
and i ahve never made myself to throw up i saw what it did to my sister so i thought it would be safer to not eat
I’ll brb in a sec. I just have to go do something
See my point!! I know we said age didn’t matter but even a 13 year old is taller then me. Honestly, it’s embarrasing!!
95lbs. Is that how much you are supposed to weigh for the wedding?
i dont know what i am
no thats what i want to be or well way under what i am
How tall are you?
606 comments holy shit i want a post with this many all i have is with a qirl who was fight ing me
idk
Is that how many we’ve got now? Wow. All this started 9 hourse ago now.
If you’re tall, being 95lbs is not going to be fun is all I was gonna say.
Back…
are u sure wow i left for what a few haha
but ya idk what my heigt is
at the moment idk what my weight is either
well welcome back haha
Guys, I think I gotta sleep for a bit now. You guys gonna be alright? Will you be on later?
well i believe i should be i will take the knife and the broken razors off my bed
Sucks thanks
Hannah
I’ll try to be here and
I promise I’ll be alright
Well done sucks, I know it’s hard but cutting isn’t the answer, For any of us, including myself.
K guys, speak later. Thanks for getting me through the night. Felt like shit when I first came on and 617 comments or something later, I feel a bit better. (Think we just smashed the longest conversation record!!!!!!!)
haha alright night sleep well i need to sleep to but my friend is still not on
yes we did haha world record
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))
77evergone77
u still on