So what now?

I really think I need help, and I really think that if I say nothing, I will do something I might not even give myself enough time to regret. Problem is no one will listen, I don’t have any friends, the only oneI had when I was little died on brain damage and when I met someone else, turns out she was behind me with my boyfriend. No one else will talk to me, at school they all think I’m annoying, as they said so many times, and no one wants to hang out with the weird Hispanic girl because I’m different, and because I don’t really talk back, I guess, I have a funny thick accent I can’t change and they all laugh at me when I do. I can’t tell parents, I don’t have, my mom left when I was baby and my dad tried to take care of me but after a while I was put to foster care in a catholic border school that took care of me until a lady wanted me in high school. But I can’t tell her either, she hates me, since day one she always says that I’m a failure to life and that I make her life a living hell and I’m useless and I will never get anywhere. She got me because I looked like her son that had recently died but turns out I’m really bad at trying to be him so I’m useless. I can’t tell the counselors, my school is really cheap so our counselors are always busy because there’s not enough of them, and mine hates me as well, because we got in a fight about dual enrollment. I tried googling more solutions, and it said to talk to my pastor, but i got kicked out church, when i tried going, twice, at different churches. I got kicked out for not fitting in with them,funny thing is i never told themI’m atheist. I just wanted someone to listen. I thought as good christians maybe they could… I tried calling the suicide prevention line, but I waited for three hours until the machine voice said that I’m sorry the program was down, because apparently, not even them wanted to listen to me. Tried telling a stranger at the bus, she said “what the hell is wrong with you” i said “what isn’t wrong with me” and she walked away. So instead I came to you guys instead, it’s my last resource.

I’m eighteen years old, as of yesterday, and as such, the contract that the lady who says is my mom signed for only until I was an adult, which means I will have to move by this summer. Problem is I don’t have a job, I’m currently looking, but no one will take a simple high school kid with no real experience, and I don’t even have a phone that they can call to. I can’t afford it. Either.

I can’t do anything right, I have ADHD which means I’m clumsy, I break everything I touch, I ruin everything my hands get close to, I drop and break and destroy everything. I run into walls because in have problems paying attention which make people make fun of me. I can’t afford nice clothes so I always look like the undertaken care of girl that everyone is too disgusted to hang with.

I’m failing. I had a perfect attendance and an average B throughout elementary. But now I’m just plain failing. I don’t care about anything anymore. I just don’t. All I want to do is sleep. Forever. Not even eat. Just sleep. I usually go weeks without food. But again. It’s not cheap. Gov helped me when I was a minor by a monthly check which I used to buy me food or school accessories but its not really enough for the cost of leaving in Miami. Given that more than half I had to give to pay her for rent. I loved reading, but suddenly every book just drags out words, and I loose every chess match I play. I lost my skills. I don’t care for it, for anything. My perfect attendance dropped to failure for missing class. I don’t even know what’s going on.

I’m left handed. Growing up, they told me I had the devil inside me and I was pre destined to go to hell, partly why I’m atheist.. Can their really be a god that punishes you by sending you to eternal hell to suffer forever because of a mistake he did on his on factory? So they used to tie the pencils to my right hand, at which given point I started writing backwards, like it was only read through a mirror, and they got mader and would just scream I’m doing everything wrong. And so it kept going for all… Until now, really.

No one cares about me, I’m like my own worst enemy. I wish I had a normal life. I wish I had parents that were married. That said. Don’t you worry child ill help you pay for college.
I wish someone would tell me “I’m proud of you” for once. I wish I was normal. I wish I had someone to listen and that not everybody hated me, including myself. Then again I get as much attention as the white crayon on the crayola box. And unless that drawing pad comes with a pre designed zebra.. It doesn’t get much. I wish I didn’t had to work since I was born to pay for my living because no one else would. That I had food more often, although and thanks to my depression I don’t really get hungry. Hooray for clinical depression!!! And I don’t even care about any of that. I don’t have parents and I think I’m a good person, still. I don’t do drugs or get random tattoos or anything. I always try to study but lately it seems so hard I read the book twice and nothing ever sticks.

Sometimes I feel like I wanna be someone else, like a Disney princess, but I never had the sweet sixteens and I never been to a single homecoming, and I’m not allowed in prom for my absences and I will never marry catholic with the dress. I don’t think I will ever get to wear a formal dress! Ugh. Why is that even important?

I can’t seem to stop crying either. Always. At random. I hate it. Everyone I ever loved died, and everyone else hates me. Sometimes I feel like I should join the only friends I have, or Had actually..

Hmm this is longer than I thought, how do you end this things anyway?

(Please insert conclusion here)