“Stay with me
Safe and ignorant”
-Pet, a Perfect Circle
Well, it’s official. I grew a comfort zone. Is that even possible? Apparently, because not only do I have the comfort zone bound to my guy, but now I grew one to my teddy bear. the worse part is, it seems like the comfort zone with my guy in it is depleting. God I wish it wouldn’t yet I want it to so badly.
My new comfort zone, the one with the teddy bear. It feels like I can just hold onto him and just ignore the rest of the world easily. I’m numb when I hold onto him, but it just makes ignoring easier. It feels like a mix of anesthesia and morphine. I’m awake and alert enough. But too doped up to make a move or do anything about it. And it’s just the perfect state I want to be in again. (While I was in the hospital recently I was given morphine, wheeled to a surgery room and given anesthesia, and for the 20-40 seconds I was awake with both stuff through me, it was probably the best thing I’ve felt in months. The stuff is like the only way to get to a state of isolation. When they gave me morphine for pain, everyone left me alone so I could sleep. It was the most isolation I got. And I absolutely loved it. It made me want to sing badly, by the way. I was drugged, who wants to hear a drugged 15 year old Hispanic sing?Â
Hell. I wouldn’t feel so bad about it, but the fact that it’s my teddy bear, is just a bit freaking me out. I thought I was going through some sort of phase with the teddy bear, cuddling it because I never had one when I was a young little bastard. But am I going to grow up to be a 35 year old ‘man’ that still sleeps with his teddy bear? Because that will be really sad… What would be even MORE sad is if I’ll be a 35 year old ‘man’ still sleeping with his teddy bear and single.
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I’ve never been drugged before, yet I know the pleasures of isolation and silence brings.
If you fear it, you won’t become it.