Top Ten List (in no particular order): I can’t be in a relationship because…
1. I’m hung up on my ex. How can I love anyone else? Unfortunately he dumped me during the “honeymoon phase†where everything was wonderful…to me. Obviously it wasn’t so wonderful for him. It felt like we were perfectly compatible in so many ways… one particular way I’d NEVER been compatible with anyone before. No man should have to compete with that. I realize I’m idolizing him, but I don’t know how NOT to. The only thing I can come up with is “he’s not who I thought he was; we didn’t have what I thought we had, or he wouldn’t have left.†And even that is hard for me to believe because I’m sure I somehow drove him away.
2. I don’t love correctly. A long time ago, a man told me “you’re supposed to grow into people, not onto them.†I dismiss this as untrue when I find someone else like me who also grows onto rather than into, but it never works, so he must be right. I’ve never been able to date casually. I either feel it or I don’t, and I know it quickly. This is wrong. Well, I can’t fathom being with someone I don’t have strong feelings for. I’d rather be alone. …and so I am.
3. I can’t handle others’ issues/baggage appropriately. I don’t know how to help a man with his struggles. I take everything personally. He will think he’s making me unhappy that I can’t “fix†him when I fail. It’s not his fault, it’s mine. I am not supposed to think this. Yet I always do.
4. I live in my little bubble. I’ve removed myself from the world; my life is over. I have rules I follow about what I’m allowed and not allowed. How can I explain my reasons? And what do I have to offer anyone if I have no passions and interests and knowledge of current events?
5. I am extremely jealous. I have to water this tendency down soooooo much because no guy should have to put up with the level of insecurity I have.
6. I am quasi-suicidal. Relationships are about life, not death. I don’t want to drag someone else down. I think people that do this in an attempt to give themselves a reason to live are being unfair.
7. I have low self esteem. A lot of the other items on this list tie into this one. I tend to think that just because I don’t go around crying “woe is me,†or laying a pity party on the guy, that my opinion of myself won’t taint a relationship…but despite my efforts, it seeps through anyway and poisons it.
8. I’m damaging my health with my weird eating and I don’t want to stop. With no proof of the alleged damage, I want to keep doing it until it either makes me truly suffer or until I reach my goal. I can’t give it up without getting something in return.
9. I will never be able to trust that he means what he says, or that his feelings will last. This is tied into #1. Trust is important in a relationship. It’s not fair to punish a new guy for what happened with the last one.
10. I may not be able to overcome my sex/intimacy problems. I include this tentatively because I did make some progress here, before. It used to be my #1 flaw and the “may not be able to†was a “can’t.†It’s not really something I can fix on my own, so I don’t know how much of an issue this would be without being in the relationship… rather a catch 22. It would definitely be something that has to be dealt with, and I hate that someone I care about would have to deal with it. It’s not fair and it makes me unworthy of him right from the start.
~
Recognizing my flaws and limitations doesn’t fix them. I am an unfit companion. I was fine with this before. I only remembered the bad things about relationships, and it was easy not to want that. Now I’ve been spoiled and there’s no going back. I don’t know how to live without love anymore.
Do any of you have a similar list for yourselves? I’m curious. Come fly your freak flag with me ~
32 comments
What do you mean by weird eating (8). I’ve always wanted to try turtle. I’ve never been able to find a restaurant that serves it.
Also I’ve always been curious as to what penguin might taste like. They aren’t quite a fish, nor are they poultry. I suspect they’d taste like duck but you never know, they could be anything.
Wouldn’t they be poultry? Good luck with that 😛
If I laid it all out it would sound like an eating disorder, but it’s not. I have rules I “have” to follow. (I know I don’t really but it’s a coping mechanism) It’s difficult, or impossible really, to do if I’m with other people.
Penguins is practically chickens
So there ya have it 😛
polar dawg
Mmm, barbecued penguin…
The only penguins I’ve eaten are gummies.
Ok, that explains #8.
If someone said they were fine with all of 1-10, would you still consider yourself an ‘unfit companion’
Uh… hmm. That would be weird. I’d probably think they weren’t thinking it through carefully enough. They’d also have to be okay with the non-deal-breaker type things about my personality…I guess they would be if they got to that point…and I’d have to be okay with theirs… it’s a wonder how ~normal~ people match up, let alone the nutjob types, huh.
Lol, yes, yes, and yes. I’d like to add to that list that I’m batshit crazy and nobody needs that in their life.
Nope, no one needs that 🙂 “Batshit crazy” is rather vague though. If that counts as one item you’d probably have to break it down to a) b) c) etc…
If your lucky that lestatbarron guy might drop you his email.
Hmmph. Does it read like I’m trying to get lucky or are you being cute?
Remind lestatbarron I’m old.
Do you even know who I’m talking about.
No, you don’t come across as desperate. Your just a little dissatisfied and don’t see how anyone can bring out the best in you.
No not really — I don’t see any posts but I’ve seen that name. A friend of yours…or an alias? (if it were an alias though why would you out yourself here?)
I think some guys might think of it as a challenge. Like “I’m man enough to handle anything” or whatever. Or maybe they wouldn’t want what I want and just think I’d be an easy lay. *snicker* They’d be in for a surprise in that case.
Nope. Not one of my aliases. I actually don’t have many. There was only one of my usernames I kinda miss. He was a pretty cool guy but no one liked him very much because he was a stick-in-the-mud.
Aww. I get along with sticks in the mud for the most part.
I wonder how many people on here have multiple accounts. (one is plenty for me)
I can’t be in a relationship because…
I write top ten lists!
🙂
I relate to the thinking behind your list.
When I think about relationships I wonder if I should try again, if I am even capable.
My history would indicate that it would take someone special. Someone who won’t panic if and when my various neuroses show themselves. I have worked hard on becoming more conscious and present but everyone falters every now and then.
I don’t make lists however not panicking is a trait that is a important to me as I tend to shut down with the drama.
I noticed that your list contained allot of Cognitive distortion such as ‘all or nothing thinking’, ‘Magnification’, ‘jumping to conclusions’.
Cognitive distortion can only get in the way of what we want. Finding a neutral third party to work though them can be a great help.
I’ve recommended this book before on this site as I really found it helpful.
‘How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving’ – David Richo
His other books were also helpful:
‘How to Be an Adult: A Handbook on Psychological And Spiritual Integration’
‘The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them’
Cute 😛
I also have a “reasons I should die” list but that one’s too pitiful to post here and was written in despair. I still review it when I’m so inclined.
I know I have black/white thinking in many areas. And that I contradict myself because I know I have a lot of gray areas! Thanks for pointing out what you noticed. You should be a therapist! (er…if you know how to fix it, that is?! Not like they ~know~ either) I’ve talked about some of this stuff with my therapist but seem to be reluctant to give up views I’ve had for ages.
Thanks for the recs. Since I can’t have one, does it make any sense to read about them like I can? My hope is to just put the thing to rest somehow and be done with it >.> If living a half-life is better than being dead, which most people seem to think is true.
I doubt many. This site hardly has any customers these days.
I think there’s just not a lot of people on at this time of day? Or a lot of people find it from google searching suicide related stuff and then don’t care to make an account. Seems like there’s always plenty of fresh blood… not that many oldies that are around ALL the time but eventually they poke their heads back in…
When posts go unanswered, people think there’s little point in sticking around. I’ve had lots of interesting discussions on here in the past but none within the last 8 months or so.
I reckon about 95% of the people here are ‘lonely’. I’m not. This site doesn’t fulfil their needs.
A site like SF where you hang out would be very detrimental to me. That’s why I avoid those places.
It’s discouraging to post something and have it go unanswered but I’m not sure what people expect. It’s not like there are therapists and psychiatrists on staff here round the clock to give support to everyone equally. We’re all just fuckups like they are. Dunno about 8 months ago, I’ve only been here for about 4. I do notice a lot of turnover.
I know, you’re just here until you get more money to go do stuff 🙂
I hang out more here but I like it over there too. I know it’s not for everybody. I use the feature that lets you check for new posts, skim over which forum they’re on and the title to see if I want to read them, don’t read most of them. I love the Member’s Diary feature, that’s mainly what I use.
Well, the one thing therapists/psychiatrists can’t do and say:
‘that’s ok, this is what I went through, I understand’ etc…
Some of them may know…maybe that’s why they went into the field? But yeah, good point.
One reason I tend to avoid certain types of posts is I feel like I have no business commenting if I haven’t been there. Besides a throwaway “I’m sorry you’re hurting :(” generic comment with nothing of substance. Other posts I tend to avoid because… I’m mental?
People just want to be heard, they want their issues to be recorded and for the world to know what they are going through.
I try not to provide any opinions now (it’s bad for my karma).
There also must be a lot of people who get upset, impulsively search google and stumble across this site, make an account, post, feel better the next day (or maybe over the course of a week…a month…whatevs), and never come back. I used to look back on posts I’d commented on for responses and it’s like the person just vanished. Sure, they could have killed themselves, we’d never know. But it just seems more likely they forgot about the site or didn’t feel they needed it anymore.
My first post got 2 responses. I remember feeling glad that at least 2 people read it.
You and your karma! Provide opinions if you want to ~
…I should be fired. I’ve done hardly any work all day. I mean, I don’t have anything urgent to do, but I could work on something non-urgent. It’s like they’re paying me to comment on here.
Hmm, if I could break it down to a, b, and c there might be hope for me, but it really is just a general crazy.
Some go for the crazy tho 😉
Oy! Some of the stuff you’re saying here rings a bell. As I noted before, the similarities with my girl are a bit uncanny at times. It’s not exactly the same, or necessarily even parallel, but, damn, there’s enough there to make me believe you two think very much alike about a lot of things (and things that are central to her issues). Your insights into some of these patterns and behaviours are very helpful. For my girl, figuring out the patterns and breaking them is my game. After much thought and effort, I have come to believe it’s the only way to help her get her life back. It’s the only way to give her the “restart” she deserves. Would you feel comfortable speaking about this in private? Your call. No pressure.
A few observations, if I may.
You’re pretty hard on yourself. “Can’t” is a pretty strong statement. The rules, the rituals, and the rationalizations don’t sound like a method to select the right person, but rather a method to keep out anyone and everyone (it’s spinning thread for your cocoon). I’m sure you already recognize that with the black/white thinking, the rules go out the window when you fall in love with someone. So, how helpful are they, really? It won’t keep the right one (in your mind) out; it just keeps everyone else out. Don’t cut off your social network. People need people.
It’s not a question of loving correctly, it is just how you love: intensely, immediately, irrationally. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if you spend all your time hiding in your cocoon, you’re severely restricting your chances of bumping into the one who’s going to spark that excitement in you. You don’t have to “put yourself out there,†you just have to be out there.
It becomes a bit self-fulfilling that you can’t find someone who’s going to spark that excitement, when you’re not out there in the world, because you’re focused on the rituals. I guess that’s the point, isn’t it?
As to idolizing your ex, well, nostalgia is a kind of blindness. The things we think we cannot have always look rosier with time. Was it ever really as wonderful as we imagine? And even if it were so, from the sounds of it, this was not fully mutual. Imagine then what a relationship that is mutually satisfying might be? Give yourself a break.
Also, if you’re human, whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, you’re suppose to have feelings for your exes. It’s a reminder that it mattered. It’s okay to have people who mattered who are no longer in your day-to-day life. It’s okay to have people who mattered who are no longer in your life at all. You learned something about what it means to love and be loved. Shouldn’t that be wonderful in itself?
It is possible, in fact very possible, to have intimacy without sex, even in male-female relationships. That’s what good friendships are all about. That’s a relationship; it’s just not a romantic relationship. Not all relationships have to be romantic. You still learn a helluva lot from each and every one, including intimacy.
The trust thing too. Give yourself a chance. Trusting others isn’t about them; it’s about you. Give yourself permission to feel good, to be scared, to love, and to hate.
Whatever you do, don’t give up on yourself.
Cheers.
Oh wow, if my crap is at all helpful to you I’m glad! I’m game for continuing in private. I’ll answer this particular comment here in case anyone’s following this…and, okay, because I’m anal and don’t like to leave any comments hanging.
I do need to keep people out to some degree. Dating-wise…I’ve never really even looked at it as a selection process. Which falls under the “I don’t love correctly” category, I suppose. I either feel something or I don’t — it’s not always lightning-fast, but I at least feel POTENTIAL for something or I don’t. And that leads me to guys that are wrong for me. I’ve heard the cliches about women being drawn to the bad boys, or to unavailable men…I’ve had both problems… but for the past decade or so they’re not “bad” per se, just…apparently not right for me. (and I still struggle to see how the last one is not right for me) I HAVE noticed some parallels. I end up with men who don’t want to get married, and who don’t have any money or very little money. I’m not rich, but I’ve always been able to pay my bills. It helps that I’ve never been without a job, not even for one day. I also have a problem with trying to buy people’s affections. I recognize it, but I still do it >.> But I digress.
I’m not completely in the cocoon. I do go places. Now that the weather’s getting warmer here I may start taking little trips again too, and this time it won’t be so much trying to run away from my pain. …and I keep writing and deleting and rewriting this paragraph so I think that’s all I’m gonna say about that for now!
The thing is…if I were more hardcore with the rituals, they would work better. They used to. I want so badly for this to be black and white too but it’s not. (at least your girl can identify herself as ill whereas I can’t)
It really was pretty much perfect with him, though. It’s been the toughest break-up ever because of that. It completely took me by surprise. With everyone else, I COULD think about the sucky things and feel glad I at least didn’t have to deal with them anymore. And I can honestly say I don’t have any romantic feelings left for any of those other guys. But this one… I still don’t understand and I’ve given up trying to understand. He insisted he still loved me when he dumped me and he would still love me after, we just couldn’t be together. I don’t know what to do with that. I have to respect his decision but part of me can’t help hoping that if I wait long enough, he’ll come back… and that just doesn’t happen to girls like me 🙁 Siiiiigh.
I am starting to let go, little by little. I hope that one day I can remember him fondly without all the pain. I’m weaning myself off communicating with him. I once thought I wouldn’t be able to stand not knowing anything about his life… but that just makes me anxious and upset. Better to NOT know, than to think “he chose this over me” — no matter what it is. I’m the thing he decided to cut out of his life.
Looking forward to talking with you some more 🙂 Emailing you now, go fish me out of your spam folder!
@SadBk
“Since I can’t have one, does it make any sense to read about them like I can?â€
Yes – The books I mentioned are about relationship in all its many facets including and perhaps most importantly the one with yourself. The books help to reframe (or frame for the first time) what your expectations of relationship are. Most people assume they know what relationship is, what they want from relationship…. and don’t realize that most of their concepts are assumptions and ungrounded and even unconscious.
The focus of the books is to help the individual understand what relationship is and the role they play within one.
After words you may change the statement from “Since I can’t have one†(un helpfull all or nothing thinking) to “I choose not to have oneâ€, or perhaps leave the door open and if the opportunity arises be in relationship, as an adult, with attainable expectations to work towards for yourself and partner.
That makes sense. Looking at my old journals makes me remember what an unrealistic concept I had of a relationship when I was young. VERY idealized and fantastical. No one could ever live up to it. It’s what I wanted, and I knew it was wrong, that it was impossible, but I couldn’t help wanting it.
If I get out of this…whatever, thing I’m in… maybe I’ll give those a shot.
Thank you.
SadBk,
I don’t know if you’re reading this website anymore, or if you’re even still with us, but your posts resonate with me on so many levels. I hardly have the energy for lengthy conversations or private communication anymore, but should you read this and want to get in touch, I’d love to hear from you either here at SP or via email.