Thinking about suicide calms me down

I’ve never really allowed myself to think about suicide. Whenever a friend asked me my opinion on it, I’d say it was extremely selfish for the people around you. You take your pain away and transfer it to everyone you knew. But even as i said those words I always had a seed of doubt, wouldn’t it just be easier to die? I never finish anything. Maybe I don’t wanna finish living my life, I give up too easily, thats true, one of my many faults, but recently, I don’t know when exactly, I acknowledged my pleasure in thinking about suicide, I’ve been trying not to think about it for a few months now. Its not that I would seriously do it, I mean maybe I would, but it calms me down SO SO MUCH to just think, well if all else fails I can just end it. And then I get a little nauseous when I think of all the people I knew and my family, to be that one person in their life that killed themselves. I dont wanna be that person, I don’t want my family to go through that either. The best way to go would be to save someones life, if someone was being robbed or something, I get killed but they live. That way no one would know I wanted to kill myself but I would be dead. I feel like I’m under so much pressure I can’t even fucking die the way I want to without thinking about what people are going to say.