“I’m just tired, I’m fine.”
If I had a penny everytime I said that… huh.
Hey, I’m [blank] and I’m the worst human being to ever live. No really, I am. I’ll prove it.
I can’t hold a conversation with anyone without hurting them. I don’t want to, it’s just…I know I’m not going to be living much longer, and I don’t want them to be hurt when I go. But then those times, when I’m sitting in my bed, crying, wanting the pain to end…I need someone. Anyone. Just to talk to me, help me through this. But I have no one, because of me. I am my own worst enemy.
Of course, I try my hardest not to hurt someone I think of as a sister to me. I love her, and would do anything for her. But I still do. It’s like I’m just a machine that’s built to hurt others. I want to tell her everything, but I just can’t do it. Because I hate to complain to others, which doesn’t help me one bit.
I’m a mess up at everything. Whether in football or wrestling, when we lose, it’s my fault. I always bring the defeat unto my shoulders. I always could’ve done more. In school, my grades are high, sure, but that’s not going to last. They’re going to fall, hard, and it’s going to be my fault. I’m going to disappoint my parents, not for the first time. With my friends, I’m always hurting them with everything I do. When, at school, I’m burdened by the guilt of my own terrible self, they ask what’s wrong, and I just say I’m tired. I lie to them, and to what effect? I push them away, right when I need them most. Finally, my brother; he has autism. We didn’t know it until last year. Which doesn’t make sense because autism develops in the first three years of life, always. The doctor said stress from the family and from school could’ve enhanced it, made it more noticeable. Well, it wasn’t from school. He had straight A’s and was popular with everyone. In the family, my mom and dad always have favored him more than me (because I’m a failure), so that leaves me. I was my brother’s trigger into autism because I hurt him, like I hurt everyone.
So, now that you know who I am, what I am, and what will become of me, maybe you’ll be able to realize the amount of pain I’m in. The amount of pain I’ve caused. To me. To others. And how much easier it would be to everyone if I just…left. Forever. I should. To save everyone from me. And to save me from my pain.
1 comment
Your not a failure. If you make your team lose that’s not bad. It happened plenty of times to in my soccer games. I don’t think you can trigger autism either. You said you have good grades too so your parents shouldn’t be disappointed. Just try to keep them up. I know when your depressed its really hard to but please try. Your parents probably aren’t disappointed. Maybe you should try to talk to them ? Trying talking to your friend too about what’s bothering you so they at least know why you have been so distant . It might make you feel a lot better.