i cant do this anymore.

I’m living a lie now. I’ve pretended to be happy for so long to please the people i thought cared but they don’t, not anymore. All i think about is sadness, loneliness, death and how i can next try it. I just don’t want to be here anymore and I have no one to talk to about it. My foster parents think I’m fine because of how much I’ve lied about it, my boyfriend says I’m tiring him out with all my emotions, my sister is too young to know this stuff, i have no friends left and the ones i do have stay so far away and barely know me. To make things worse I have my ex-best friend constantly on my back at how I’m pathetic and attention seeking, telling people i sleep around when i don’t, how I’m a disgrace because i cut. She drains every piece of happiness i have. I keep all these emotions a secret from my boyfriend because I’m scared ill loose him because hes all i have left who understands a little more than anyone else, but i have to make him happy. I lay in bed crying every single night and i just cant take it anymore. I try to be nice to everyone but no one knows how sad i am, how angry i am at the world, how alone i am. I’m scared of my emotions, they make me do things i don’t want to do. I’m like 2 months clean from cutting, but only because i avoid time in my room, i avoid being alone, i avoid talking about any emotions, but i cant hold it in any longer. I just want to explode, but i have no one to explode on! no one cares enough for me to even listen without asking questions or judging or trying to send me away. i think about cutting and killing myself every single day, i just want to be gone. I bet you’re thinking that if i really wanted to be gone, then i would’ve just done it? well when i tried before my sister was in a state and i didn’t even leave her a note. i know a note wont help, but it’ll help a little. i just cant find the right words to say to her, and I’m not leaving her without anything! i feel like i have no soul anymore, like the darkness within me is taking over. like I’m giving up, slowly but surely. Someone help me find the words to tell these people goodbye? please.