Reaching the end of my road

I describe my life as a long road and that I keep moving forward. No matter how many twists and turns I have to take, no matter how many obstacles I have to overcome it’s all about moving forward. All my life I’ve lived by this concept, but now I’m at this point where I don’t know where to turn. It seems that every time I breach this certain predicament, I have to sit down and tell myself what’s my next step. What’s the next thing to do. I’m finally at that point where I’m saying I don’t know. I’m the type that always thinks I always have to plan ahead. I don’t believe in the concept of we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I always plan ahead. I always want to know what I’m going to do with my life. I want to be prepared and have something to look forward to, but maybe that’s the thing. Maybe looking forward to the future is what’s making my life so complicated.

I’ve spent the past two years in college and I’m going for a major. I find it very interesting and I want to change the way people think. I’m not out to leave my mark on the world or become famous, but I want to leave this earth knowing that I changed at least one person’s life. I want to make a difference somewhere. I don’t necessarily want people to remember my name, but I want my life to be of some value. I want it to not have gone to waste.

I’m at this point where I’m not sure where I’m going. I feel like no matter how far forward I move it only puts me two steps back. The harder I try at something the more obstacles I meet and the further back it pushes me, as if it wants to prevent me from reaching my goals. So what’s the point in trying anymore?

Why do I try to make something good out of my life if I have this supposed all-knowing life form whose trying to tell me that my hard work is never going to pay off. If I can’t do something I love then I might as well be dead. I want to help people. I want to provide an opportunity to someone, one that I’ve never had. I do want to make a difference in someone’s life, but will i honestly ever have the opportunity.

Life is such a struggle for me. I’m not even wanted in my own home. My mother is currently on her third marriage. She cares more about keeping her marriage alive than worrying about her own kids. I understand that I’m an adult now and should take care of myself, but it’s as if she’d rather see me die on the street than worry about me at all. She’s already obviously moved on and started a new family while I’m on the outside looking in. I don’t know who my father is and I probably never will. I don’t think I’d want to try to find a man whose abandoned me anyway. I live in a world where both my parents are alive, but they would rather see me die than to interfere with their family. I almost had the chance to meet my father, but he cancled that because he didn’t want his new family to find out about me. And as I’ve mentioned above my own mother has started her new family. I now have no family. I have no one. No one but sadness and this corner where I’m sitting. The only solace I find is in my music.

I feel like some of the artists I hear must be watching over my life personally if their songs have so much meaning of comparison to my life. Music is my only refuge at this point. I face this world alone and I feel as if there’s no one out there who understands this struggle. I’m sure things can get so much worse, but I’m at this point where I just want to throw my hands in the air and admit defeat. I want to call upon God and tell him You win!!!! I can’t go on with this life anymore. You’ve defeated me. I feel as though you’ve put me on this earth for a purpose and I’ve failed you. I’ve failed you and I’m sorry.

I don’t know how I’m going to move forward if the more I try to make things better things only keep worse. The harder I try to hold on to the people I care about the more they try to pull away. Eventually they will be all gone. And I’ll have nothing but pen and paper.

I think it was pen and paper that have gotten me through all these years. While my mothers abusive husband was beating her till she screamed, all I had was a corner with pen and paper. I couldn’t cry or scream without suffering the same fate as her. Pen and paper helped me express my silent screams. Some people eventually saw these silent screams, but nothing ever came about it. No one could ever help me.

Now I use it to express myself as tears are brought to my eyes. I used to think that living alone would be the best thing in the world for me, but now it only expresses more loneliness in my life. It makes me feel like I’m trapped in my own house. Like the outside world is nowhere to go and that I’ll only be safe here in solitude.

I”m at the point where going on no longer seems like an option. I have considered numerous posibilities and have tried nearly all of them. I have seen numerous doctors whose only solution is to lock me in solitude for a few years. And the doctors who don’t agree with that do agree that my condition is far too advanced for their treatment. I even tried turning to God but it seems that he’s let me down every time.

I try to turn to family, but my immediate family doesn’t care whether I exist or not and my far away family has given up on me. At first they seemed caring and concerned, but according to them it’s as if I want to be sad and depressed and they don’t want to entertain those thoughts anymore.

It’s sad because maybe a couple of them do truly care about me and love me but have never had the chance to show it. I surely wish they did try to make the time. It would’ve made one hell of a difference with the way I feel about my life right now. I wish someone could be cheering for me or at least tell me I’m doing the right thing. I don’t have any parents to be proud of me or my accomplishments. I feel like they’re useless. I know I should be doing this for me and not for them, but if I don’t have anyone who gives a damn about me then what makes my accomplishments worth anything?

Im not saying I need encouragement. I just wish there was someone that I care for to be selfless for at least one minute and actually try to figure out what’s wrong with me or try to be there for me when I need them. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. It seems everyone I love eventually leave my life. Even though someone temporarily steps in I just know that they’ll eventually leave to. It’s truly heart-breaking.

Every night for the past two years I have done nothing but cried myself to sleep. For years I have wondered what’s wrong with me. It seems that the last option seems to be the only option at this point. I’ve tried searching my soul to try to find out what’s wrong with me so I can fix it. I know i shouldn’t care what other people think about me but as down as my life is it seems to be the only thing that matters.

I thank anyone who has taken the time to read this. I just want you to know that I love you. Even though we’ve never met nor do I know what you look like I love you. Because you and I are both going through the struggle. We may have taken different roads and faced different obstacles, but we are walking together with the same struggle. I wish I can take your hand and kiss it and let you know everything will be alright. That no one will ever harm you again and if I have anything to do with it, you will live the rest of your life worry-free and I’ll do everything in my power to make sure that’s how it will stay. I truly love you and I hope we can make it through this struggle and in the end we will turn out to be a better person.