My Awakening

I couldn’t stand to even look at myself in the mirror anymore because all I saw was a fat, ugly girl with a lot of baggage.  Everybody sees me as the bubbly, happy girl in school but almost every day, I would go home and slash my wrists because I couldn’t stand myself.  I hated myself. I wished I was dead. This week was horrible.  I almost got dumped, my parents yelled at me for stupid things on multiple occasions and my days seemed to be getting longer as I couldn’t sleep.  About a year ago, I started to make myself throw up after I ate.  I wanted to be beautiful.  I wanted guys to notice me as something other than a “bro.” I started cutting and burning a little over 4 months ago.  All I wanted was someone to pay attention, I thought I had to hurt myself to get it.  A couple nights ago,  I sat on my floor, a knife in one hand as I slashed my ribs, wrists and legs.  A bottle of pill in the other.  I wrote my suicide note.  I wrote a separate section for all of my friends and family.  I didn’t cry contemplating suicide.  I didn’t cry writing the note.  But, as I twirled the little pills between my fingers, I thought, “Wow.  It’s crazy how a few little pills hold so much power.” I reread the note and I started bawling.  I thought about all the people I was leaving behind and I couldn’t do it.  I threw away the pills, put my knife away and tore up the note.  That was the day I realized that I wanted to live. That I wanted to grow up, have a husband, a family and a life.  Please, if you’re like me, don’t hurt yourself.  Get help and live to the end of your natural born life, not the one you chose for yourself.  I love you <3