I dont know how to help myself.

To sum it all up, I’ve been self harming. I don’t know hot to control myself or deal with emotions. I keep giving myself goals and reasons not to commit suicide but i feel like things are getting worse. I want to have control over something so i dont feel so pathetic. I feel like i’m forcing myself to stay and I just dont want to. Its not for attention but i tell people so that i have a reason to stay. i’m getting so tired. My boyfriend is always there for me and he’s so amazing but he’s losing his patience with me. I wasn’t always like this. I used to know how to deal with this. This is something i have been dealing with since i was in elementary school. I was raped around 4 years old and I didnt know what to do about it or who to tell so i kept it to myself and i became a really shy, really insecure, untrusting child. My father cheated on my mother and my family had to deal with this around the same time. I saw alot of people cry and i was determined to help everyone i could. i have. but now i feel like i dont want to be here anymore. i cant help myself with my own problems and nobody i talk to is helping. I love my family and my parents worked things out and theyre good now and they never took anything out on me. I dont know what my problem is anymore. There are so many things i left out.