To anyone deigning to read this let me begin with basics.Â
I am a woman, 29 years old, a mother….
My life in and of itself has been a melancholy opera of sorts….violently abused as a child, to escape this I fell headlong into learning to find an escape. I am bi-polar. Â Mainly racing thoughts, these racing thoughts have been a gift at times, giving my mind insights that no one around me can grasp…..while at other times being such torment they keep me from eating and sleeping for weeks.Â
Why do I want to kill myself….simple; life does not contain what I need, and no remedy from medical means, to the spiritual have ever brought me peace. I was recently told I have cancer, I am refusing to treat it, hoping to hasten my demise.Â
I believe only those that have the essence of will enough to end themselves, can see the detail of the world every moment they remain alive. My attempts have all been stopped. I have tried to slit my wrists, hang myself, throw myself off a bridge, threw myself in front of a car *quiet upset at that one, didn’t even break a bone* Overdosed on multiple drugs…..nothing has worked……so far. After an attempt, I try to find a secluded place; A quiet spot in nature….you can really smell the wind, the ground beneath your feet, see every color in a handful of sand, the tiny veins in a leaf, hear every note and nuance in Symphony No. 7 Allegretto.Â
I have always known I will not live to be an old woman. I have been death centered since I was 7 years old. I made my will at 18, my funeral wishes have been on file at the funeral home since I was 19….. I feel keenly much like Virginia Woolf, the thoughts, the voices, the odd behavior……so much like myself.Â