Hi i have a question to any one who would like to comment.Is suicide selfish? i will try to explain why i am asking this question. i tried to commit suicide in October last year by taking an overdose of Valium. well i didn’t die, much to my surprise when i woke up alive in the hospital. My husband found me and called an ambulance and well here i am alive. So after i got out of hospital i was in there for a week i went through the whole rehabilitation thing more medication ( i have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder) more therapy and the like. well here i am 7 months later and considering suicide again. i expressed my thoughts to my father the other day when i was very upset and told him how i do not wish to live like this anymore and wish i was dead. He then told me how selfish it was of me to want to kill myself and how would he and my mum cope with it and my husband, you get the drift. Well here is my very point the only thing i hear is how would they cope. Have they ever considered what its like to be in my shoes, live one day in my life, feel how i feel every second of every day more depressed then ever, not able to leave the house, have to force feed myself as i am never hungry, have to try to put on a brave face around my parents my husband and friends that come over. Take countless medication that has given me very bad side effects. Anemia, hair loss, loss of coordination, drowsy just to name a few.I am like a drug addict except my drugs are legal and come from a doctor. whats the point of staying alive when i am not even living. I feel people just want me to be alive so they don’t have to deal with my death. Maybe they are the selfish ones not me. Keep me around for what purpose, to look at and be like yep shes here check. Cant they just understand that it would be better for everyone concerned if i did just die. I am sure they would get over it. Whats the big deal we will all die one day, its going to happen. so what if I’m 26 years old instead of 86 years old, i am still going to die one day. What is the reason for even living anyway. my husband will probably leave me sooner or later and i don’t blame him if he did, i wouldn’t want to live with me either. anyway any thoughts would be great.
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It really pisses me off when the people around us try and ‘guilt’ us into living. Like, as if we can just up and stop feeling the ways we do. Hey, here’s a thought people: Do you really think we suffer like this for the kind of attention we get? Being told we’re selfish, etc.? Oh, yeah, that’s it. I really want to stay when you try to support me like that.
That’s just how I feel. I can’t speak to what you’re considering. I only know that I struggle daily with ‘do I stay or do I go?’ and it’s not because I give a shit about being selfish. Because selfishness depends on who you are – the dead or the living. So, my problem is more about whether or not I’ve had enough and am already dead enough to do the kindest thing for myself.
The short answer is “yes … it is selfish” … but not in the way they are implying you should consider it … but then so is eating breakfast lunch or dinner … we do most everything for ourSELVES.
You surmise correctly that most people that use the “suicide is selfish” load of crap are actually the selfish ones … because it’s THEM that can deal with your choice to exit and the feelings or social stigmas it may hang on them … but that isn’t your problem anymore than getting married or having children is their “problem”
BUT – you do have responsibilities and commitments to consider (i don’t know what these might be) … if you have children, you do have to do your best to prepare them for life … you do have a husband … you did make commitments to … unless he has told you he is “going to leave sooner or later”, you can’t cast your thought of you onto him and make those choices for him … THAT is selfish … he married you because he loves you … just because you don’t love you doesn’t give you the right to assume that he CAN’T love you anymore (of course, i have no clue as to the state of your relationship – so i say all this in general)
Either way – you got to weigh the commitments and responsibilities with your needs – but your choice IS your choice – for YOU and no one else … is it selfish? yes … because it’s supposed to be … but don’t let them guilt you for THEIR selfishness – that is the ULTIMATE in selfishness to force someone to suffer for their entertainment
Dilemma dawg
I think it’s a massive grey area.
Perhaps it is selfish, but no more than expecting someone else to suffer misery so you don’t have to.
Then again, is it really wrong to be selfish?
If they are implying it’s wrong to be selfish, then they should realize that they are also being selfish, and that makes them wrong. But if being selfish doesn’t make anyone wrong, then none of you are wrong, except in the way that, if you all want the same thing: an end to your misery, then the right thing to do is for all of you to work together to get to the source and correct it, so that you can have a life that you want to keep, instead of just being miserable just to avoid inconveniencing those who would suffer your departure.
It’s totally not fair for people to “guilt” the sufferers into perpetuating their own misery. Calling you selfish makes them selfish too, IMO.
It’s unfortunate that more people don’t understand this type of despair, and even more so that they end up making it worse through their ignorance and resistance to learning.
I think the best advice i can give anyone in such a situation, is to attempt to explain to those guilt-trippers that their ignorant abuse of guilt, will neither change your mind, nor improve the situation, and is at least as selfish as they are claiming you would be… and then, to not give up on yourself, and to continue to search for a way that would motivate you enough to create a meaningful and fulfilling life for yourself, that you would want to keep, even if it’s difficult to reach, even if it’s agonizing sometimes. You need time to “heal,” time to think, time to get to the source of your despair, and a safe place to support you in your most difficult moments, when the hurt spikes.
You need to get stable and motivated, and ultimately separate yourself from those who stifle your personal development… so you can be independent, instead of relying on those who are likely contributing to your despair.
I think you should be selfish… but in the ways that cause you to care enough about yourself to cut the toxic crap from your life, so you can be content, instead of miserable. I think we are all allowed to be that selfish.
Of course suicide is selfish. Who do you think you’re doing it for lol.. But pretty much everything you do as an individual is selfish anyways so who cares?
Clevername couldn’t be more dead nuts correct … more often than not we put ourselves in a self perpetuating negative dive … where negative thing foster negative thoughts and negative thoughts draw our focus to negative things … we’ve got to break the cycle and view things as they are not as we perceive them …. a rose is just a rose … if you focus on the thorns it’s negative … if you focus on the flower it’s positive … there’s positive and negative in all things.
yin yang dawg
I’ll go with Dawg: you’ve got needs, they’ve got needs, and the two have to be weighed.
But, whatever you choose, don’t kid yourself that “they’ll get it over it” like it isn’t going to devastate them, likely for years. It’s NOT better for them for you to die, else they wouldn’t be grasping at straws to keep you here. If you can’t understand that, I’ve afraid that you’re not doing your weighing of things very well.
@dallas-
I find merit in your comment.
I don’t think suicide is ever about whether or not “they’ll get over it.” Obviously, some will and some won’t. Maybe sometimes it’s done out of spite, just to make someone hurt… but i don’t think that’s usually the case.
Perhaps there are times when the misery of loss can be balanced by the closure of knowing the one who is gone is no longer suffering.
It could be “better” for them to be miserable without you, knowing you are no longer miserable… than it might be, for everyone, for you to still be around to be miserable for their sake.
Sometimes we don’t want to let go of the burdens that weigh us down, because they are attached to things we value… like people.
Still, even if your end releases them from worry over your suffering, they will then transition to worrying over your absence, and hurting every time they remember you, whereas if you were still around, no matter how miserable, they would be able to reach out to you in those moments, and could be allowed to feel like they are helping you, or at least allowed the chance to try, should you reach out to them.
At the risk of seeming to advocate ending it:
It’s not about them. It’s not about whether they can handle the loss. It’s about us passing the point of no return, where we feel ready to disconnect from this existence entirely, permanently, even fully expecting it to hurt those we care for… because it has become too much to handle, and is better to let it go, and to let the event occur, so that those who don’t want you suffering, can experience the loss, begin coping, and eventually move on… rather than delaying that inevitable, and ending up with the same result, but with less time to recover from it. Anticipation and suspense can be agonizing as well.
I’m not saying anyone should choose to go… i am saying i understand it. I’ve been to that place, where no amount of familial “love” or “care” or “concern” will repair your misery, or cause you to hold on just for them.
And that’s the essence of the issue: it’s about You. If you’re sick of being miserable, motivate yourself to get to the source of it, and spend every bit of energy you have left, to try to fix it… because we all know what happens, if you can’t. You should always make sure to exhaust all other options, before flipping the permanent off-switch. We should all be selfish enough to fight for a life that we want.
Everything anyone does is selfish. When I volunteer or donate it’s selfish, in that these are deliberate attempts to make myself feel better by helping others. About the only things anyone does that are not selfish are mistakes and accidents. Like if I step in dogshit that I did not see or break my head by falling down the stairs.
People have loads of meaningless witticisms like that. Another one that’s making a comeback is “it was all just an act.” Of course it’s an act every movement anyone makes is an act. That’s the definition of an act! Once in awhile in stories about a suicide they interview the friends and relatives and they start going off about how angry they are about the decedent and how “selfish” the person is..
That’s amazing to me I just think about how miserable the poor person must have been, to be surrounded by such jerks. The person is DEAD and they’re still talking shit to news reporters about them. It’s all about their personal loss and their 5 minutes of fame. Gosh I just think “what jerks I’d have killed myself too.” Great post blackcat thanks for sharing.
@clevername,
Thank you for the kind words. I think we are much in agreement: it’s the choice of the person who is suffering. It’s just that if I see people seeming to say that they think it’ll be easy for their loved ones to get over it, I know it’s time for a breather.
Some people, to be sure, will (at least appear to) go over it. When I’m down, I like to watch “the Bridge” on youtube, a documentary about people who have jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. What’s so attractive to me about it is well adjusted the surviving families seem to be. It’s like a promise that, if I should choose to go, they’ll be OK, and I find that comforting. But still I know that my family would be horribly hurt, and that I can’t justify doing that until I can say with high confidence that I’ve tried just about everything. Even then, when I think about the note to leave behind, I realize that that notes basic purpose will be to try to make them see that my death is a release for me, hopefully pushing them at least a bit faster to that point where they can not be quite so hurt by my death.
Most suicides will hurt people. Family/friends or first responders.
Life is all about fitting into this world. Being in sync with your surroundings.
Going with the flow. To some extent that also applies to awaiting your time. Not in a theistic kind of way, just, you know, the time when you’re plucked from this life.
If you feel like your suicide serves a higher purpose, that can instill peace in yourself, but it will still usually hurt your surroundings.
Basically it’s about doing what you feel is right. That also ties in with finding peace.