Saying things are hard is an understatement, yet everyone just keeps saying it. They keep expecting me to say it too, like that one word makes it all make sense. Like saying I feel bad gives justice to my feelings. Well it doesn’t. I feel twenty things in just as many minutes, sometimes even seconds.
I tried to tell someone, someone I really cared about. I told him I’d finally made my decision, that after a lot of research and back and forth I was content with my answer. I told him it felt right, like this is what I’ve been waiting to do all these years. I thought he’d get it, he always understood me better than anyone else. He always said he’d never stop me if that was what I wanted to do. And it was. It turns out he wasn’t who I thought he was, he is like everyone else. I woke up the next morning to cops at my door, there to escort me to the hospital. I hadn’t done anything, it wasn’t even time yet I had just made the decision. I told them that, but they took me in anyways. A waste of a morning, a waste of money, a waste of a friendship. A useless endeavor, I learned to lie my way out of hospitals years ago.
I know I should have taken the opportunity to get better, but when they asked me if I wanted help, I could honestly say I didn’t. I don’t want to ‘get better’, to take pills to numb me for the rest of my life. To be a lifeless drone. Yet even without the meds I’m still numb, I feel no happiness, only the constant thrum of despair. You’d never know it to look at me, because I’v always got an easy smile on my face, but this smile is getting too heavy to bear.
Life isn’t hard anymore, it’s unbearable. My facade is wearing thing and soon I’ll just be a distant memory, hopefully the next world is a happy one. I just wanted it on record that I tried, that it didn’t work, and that this next step is the logical and inevitable conclusion to my story.
2 comments
I can’t begin to say that I know how you feel; nor can I begin to imagine how you feel about your life and the entire world. But I’m here to tell you that I’m not going to try and empathize, because you’re beyond that. I’m not going to try and lie to you and tell you that I know how you feel or that there are others who have gone through what you have; because in the more sincere form of honesty, that’s complete and utter bullshit. We are all unique individuals who each live a particular and special version of our lives; there are no two lives similar, and with that being said, there are no two emotions felt that are similar.
I understand that you might be feeling pain, despair, loneliness, whatever it is that you may be feeling… And I get that. I’ve felt it before too. But if there’s anything I want to try and tell you; it’s that when life has given me absolutely no reason to live; there’s something that pulled me back. Not a someone but rather a something. I’m not going to try and convince against making a serious life decision like taking your own life. That’s not my choice to make nor do I have any authority to tell you otherwise.
I just want to let you know that despite what life has shown you thus far; there are far greater things in store for you should you stick around and tough it out. I’m not going to say that it’ll get easier from here on out… It might get harder; but I promise you, that if you somehow manage to stick around and push away every single obstacle that comes your way… the gift of life that you will receive after it’s all said and done will be something beyond your wildest imagination.
You may not care about what other people think; but I’m here to tell you that I care about what you do… I want you to be happy. And no matter what you decide to do with your life, I want to make sure that your decision is honest and sincere.
this post..it describes everything oh so clearly..the numbness, the despair,the facade, unable to bear with…everything is so clear..i couldnt describe it better myself..the way people feel..the way i feel..