How I feel today.

So yeah I feel like shit
It all began 5 years ago, I was still young and attending high school. I was a child without worries,  and tragedy or sorrow were things never spoken of nor happening within my neighborhood. That was until my mom started to behave quite strangely, I finally thought we had found peace after she divorced my dad. He had betrayed her more than once and was remarrying already. I remember how she got sicker but was to stubborn to go to the hospital.
When my dad got all concerned he took her and she was diagnosed with a brain tumor that day. I was a fucked up kid really, I was living in some sort of bubble and it was as if I didn’t care, I was sad yes but not afraid or supporting towards my mom. The moment that breaks me years after is the day before when she was telling me her concerns and she was crying, she just fell off the stairs and though she might have cancer, I brushed it off, said it wouldn’t be so bad and went to my room.
She died the fifth of June that year. I feel like the most ignorant and stupid child ever, I should have cherished our last moment more and told her I loved her, from the day she was diagnosed to her death I probably never said it.
Things kind of went downhill from there, I didn’t speak about her for four years, especially when my dad was around, I still blamed him for leaving her and me when I was younger, like he never really left but those nights out with his other ‘lover’, it was betrayal in any kind.
So when I talked about her, you know you get the usual responses, ‘ow I feel really sorry for you, that must be so hard having no mom’ and yeah it is, but I get this uncomfortable feeling they don’t get it and I change the subject quickly.
Every year around the fifth now I get dragged in this black hole of sadness, and I get angry with everything, I cut myself last year but it wasn’t relieving for me, others say it is but it didn’t work for me. This only makes it harder because I couldn’t make the pain leave.
In those years I barely spoke my childhood friend came by from time to time, she was growing up you could definitely see that. And I fell in love with her, but she fell for my step-brother, and I hated him, and felt so angry, the world was seriously playing games now, why didn’t the one I loved, loved me back. I repressed those feelings and stayed behind in pain once again.
I barely saw her after she broke up with him.
It was only a year later I noticed to get feelings for both boys and girls, and it made me feel really scared, I was a freak because I was hurt but being bisexual as well, liking girls more than in a friendship way? You know things get too much from time to time. And I got no one to talk with, I did research but kept pushing it away. I accepted it later but then I got outed by a friend, she was drunk but I didn’t want people knowing this shit about me, especially people I have to live with every day.
My dad is constantly putting me down, mocks my sexuality, says I should quit school even though it’s the only thing that makes me proud of myself, but even that is disappearing.
My best friend is sick and I haven’t seen her in more than a month and we haven’t spoken about deep stuff in months. The people who try to listen and care don’t seem to mean it or don’t make me feel better. I have watched the movie ‘lost and delirious’ and suicide is spooking around in my head. Flying away, being free, stop hurting, stop being unloved, stop being worthless.
The belt has been on my neck but I haven’t pulled yet, and I wanted to share this, just because, I don’t want people saying don’t do it or anything, I just wanna share and not have to be scared about reactions for once.