I’ve been reading posts on this website for a while and this is my first post. Â I’m in my thirties, but still feel like a little kid. Â I hate so much about myself. Â I’ve considered suicide since I was in high school, maybe even before that. Â Been to counseling and psychiatrists for a good portion of my life. Â I know what they’re going to say but it never really sinks in or works for me. Â I don’t know if I’m too stubborn, stupid, scared, or just suck. Â All of the above? Â Probably. Â My husband is divorcing me, I’m going to A.A. for alcoholism, and my relationship with friends is only via Facebook. Â I wish I could find joy in hanging out but I’ve never enjoyed it. Â I’d rather be by myself but I still hate being lonely. Â I’ve always had trouble making friends and keeping them, and I’ve always been shy and awkward. Â I wish I was never born. Â I’m hating myself everyday. Â I cause all of my troubles, including the divorce and I’m always scared. Â I wasn’t supposed to be born in this world. Â I shouldn’t have been. Â I feel bad that my parents have to have their only daughter be a fuck up. Â I am afraid to find employment as I haven’t worked for 8 years. Â I don’t know if I’ll even be able to find a job. Â Who would want to even hire me? Â I have no talents, no specialties, etc. Â Men, except for my husband, have always disappointed me. Â I’m never good enough and feel that i’m not interesting enough for them to want to be with me. Â I cry a lot and feel sorry for myself with self hate. Â I’ve cut myself many times and wish I could do it more but I don’t want any more visible scars. Â My life feels sad and so much time has been wasted. Â My heart hurts. Â Can I please be successful at something positive? Â I’m running out of hope.
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4 comments
Hi. I hear you. I understand how you feel, to feel paralyzed and stuck and wish you had never existed. I’m only 21, but it’s been one sh*t storm after another. Same old habits, same old thoughts, patterns, cycles, whatever. People stay the same and so do our thought processes, and I understand completely how it feels not to have that special talent, that shtick to fall back on and keep you preoccupied. I don’t think I can give any proper advice but, I really hope things work out for you.
Start over. Different outlook on things. Don’t sit and soak in self pity, I know it’s difficult not to. But as long as you feel bad about yourself there will be no improvement. I haven’t been able to reach my happy place yet, its a process really. I am lost and it sounds like maybe you are lost as well? So try to discover yourself again, go to a college take some classes find out who you are and what you want to do. There isn’t a right way to do this so you can’t mess it up. Plenty of people go back to school some even in their forties and that’s fine. I have known someone who was in a similar position and hadn’t worked for a number of years and didn’t necessarily have friends other then on social media. She was fortunate enough to find a job and is working full time. Peoples lives constantly change and I am sure that if you take those first steps towards bettering your life for yourself. If you cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself you will only leave room for improvement. I believe that you are capable of having a more positive life and I wish you luck.
Thank you so much dear alina_01. I really appreciate your kind and helpful advice. I do tend to soak in self pity a lot. I’ve done that for a long time but I do want to change for the better. It just seems like it’s overwhelming sometimes. But you are absolutely right about learning to forgive myself and that will leave room for improvement. I guess the only way to go is up if I just try. It’s so difficult but I know that deep down I still have hope even though some days feel hopeless. Thanks again for your comment my dear. 🙂
I’m 29 and can relate very closely to a lot of what you’ve written in this post. I have achieved nothing, ten years of college off and on with no degree, now raising a 3 year-old son (unplanned) and living with him and his mother (we’ve broken up but are on good terms, we still live together). I got back on Facebook recently and was shocked at the little ‘career’ listing under the names of all these people I grew up with–as if I’ve been frozen in place while everyone else grew up. The most problematic part is that I resolutely do NOT want those things, do NOT want to participate in a sadistic economy of relentless cruelty and meaninglessness–and yet I can’t help feeling that sense of competition, so essential to our society, and my sense of having completely failed as a fellow competitor.
I’ve also done the AA thing, two DUI arrests actually did more to stop my drinking than the (blatantly religious) program the court ordered. So yeah, I am in a very similar situation and have no fucking idea what we’re supposed to do.